why do we like to hurt so much?

Guys...
I have decided that I'm giving up on the reverb challenge. I don't get any comments or feedback from it and honestly I'm not sure what good it's doing me to keep looking back over this past year. I feel okay with the half that I did but I don't think I'm going to complete the project. I hope you understand and I will just be going back to my normal and sporadic posts from now on. And that's not to say I won't ever post about my past again, I just don't think this particular project is helpful for me.

now all your love is wasted then who the hell was i?

DAY FIFTEEN - Popular Culture

What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/ words you hope will stay in 2011? What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/words you hope to hear more of in 2012? 

Ew number one person I want to stay in 2011 is Kim Kardashian and any Kardashian really. They're such a waste. That was the first person of popular culture I could think of to exile and I really think that's the main one. Ha I don't really have any other issues with anything that's popular. I totes love my abbrevs still ;)

I'm not really sure what I want to hear more of...there's nothing really that I'm super passionate about pertaining to pop culture. I'd say I wanna get rid of hipsters but let's be honest I listen to hipster music all the time and those are the people I end up dating haha so I guess I can't go there. Although I don't really want more of them either ha. I really don't know this is a hard question for me. Although the Occupy protesters weren't organized at all and pretty much are lame I like the idea that people our age are actually attempting to change things. That's pretty cool to me, so I'd like to see young people take a stand and be less apathetic. Wow now I sound like my parents...I'm done now ha.

So that explains it...

thankful.

DAY FOURTEEN - Appreciation

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I have so many things to be grateful for but above all this year I am so thankful for my family. I have always heard people say that your friends come and go but your family will always be there and this year more than any other I have found that to be true. I'm so glad my little sister is my best friend. I would be so lost without her and I am gonna be so sad when she moves out next year to go to college but I am so excited for her. I have had some issues with my mom too but I love her more than anything and I am so grateful for her. As well as everyone else in my family. They're great. 

Me and Katy. We're twins basically.

if you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken

DAY THIRTEEN - Sticky!

What stuck with you? In 2011, what book that you read, film that you saw, song that you heard (or whatever is your preferred sensory experience) really stuck with you? The kind of thing where you keep thinking about it.

This is awesome because I just saw a movie today that I thought was so great and I think it'll stay with me for awhile. It's called Hugo. I hadn't heard of the movie but my parents heard it was good and because I am done with school and had nothing else to do I tagged along. And it was so cute. I really loved it. I did not see it in 3D  because it gives me a headache but I'm sure if you're into that kind of thing it'd be great. James Cameron even said it was the best use of 3D he had ever seen (including his own movies). So there's that. It is a kid's movie but it definitely appeals to adults and if you love movies you have to see it. Just do it.

These were my favorite quotes from it:

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason."

"If you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken."

"You've been trying to forget the past for so long. Maybe it's time to try and remember."

Other than that I think I pretty much have already blogged about things that stick with me. Certain songs I've posted like Cosmic Love and I Would Be Sad etc. Also the musical I saw Next to Normal. I try really hard to share the things that stick with me so they can stick with you too :)

if you weren't real, i would make you up

DAY TWELVE - Community

Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2011? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2012?

Haha this is perfect because I have been getting even more into Twitter lately. Which seems like the stupidest community from the outside but the people on it are hilarious and more caring than a lot of people I really do know. They're a nice escape sometimes. I've had my Twitter account since spring of '09 and I made it as a total joke. I then eased into using it more and more when I had things to say that I didn't want to post on Facebook then I eventually learned about Favstar which was a total game changer. If you have a Twitter account and have never logged into Favstar you really are missing out on how fun Twitter can be. Just saying.

i'm impossible to forget but hard to remember

DAY ELEVEN - Health and Wellness

Health and wellness - What did you do in 2011 to improve your overall health/fitness/wellness? What unhealthy habits would you like to break in the new year? With what healthy habits would you replace them?

So this is one aspect of my life that needs great improvement ha. I don't think I did much of anything to help my health this year except my mental health. Physically I definitely want to take up running or something next year. I should probably stop eating so much fast food and Chick-fil-A and replace it with more fruits and vegetables. I'm kinda a failure when it comes to this stuff haha but I promise I will try to get better.

& your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow

DAY TEN - Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

Yay I love this :) I think by far the biggest thing I learned this year about myself is acceptance. I think this is the first time in my life that I actually can truly say I love myself and I am not insecure about my appearance or anything. This is nearly impossible in our world to find I think. People that are comfortable in their own skin and not comparing their bodies, personalities, pay checks, etc to everyone else is practically unheard of. But I have finally reached it. No more thoughts of "I'll be beautiful when I lose 10 pounds." No. I am beautiful right now. I may not be the skinniest or the prettiest but I'm not the fattest or the ugliest either. I love who I am.

I think my strength is something that always surprises me. I am a very emotionally strong person. And this year more than ever I have stopped taking people's shit. I think this quote sums it up beautifully:

Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really changed my life, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to become.

And I haven't looked back since.

the great loves are the crazy ones

DAY NINE - Travel

How did you travel in 2011? How and/or where would you like to travel next year?

I traveled mostly to St George/Vegas in 2011. I also visited Park City a handful of times and South Carolina for my yearly trip. I definitely need to do more traveling. I feel like that is the main theme of this whole thing besides how much I've changed over this past year. But traveling is definitely a big part. It's always been a part of who I am and a very important part of my family. I would love to travel to Europe next year but I don't know if that's possible. If anything I may end up in Zimbabwe for Christmas to visit my brother and his family but if not I am going to plan a trip to Canada or Seattle or something. I've been here far too long. I'm aching for an adventure.

it's almost like the world is saying "stop separating, you are meant to be together."

DAY EIGHT - Five Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2011 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2011.

Hahahahahahaha. Oh gosh. Hmm I'm just trying to picture the way my life would be right now if 2011 never happened. Wow. My life would be completely unrecognizable. I don't even know. My whole life has changed this year in so many different ways. And I'm sorry but I don't really want a play by play of what's happened over this past year. Not here. If you know me you know what happened if you don't then we have some catching up to do. And besides, I know there's no way my heart could forget it. Which kind of reminds me of that movie Eternal Sunshine. I know if I had the chance I couldn't and wouldn't erase you even if I tried. It wouldn't work.

come find me.

DAY SEVEN - Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I actually think 2011 was my biggest year of being who I am and not having regrets. The first thing that came to mind when I thought of something I didn't do in 2011 that I wanted to do more of was traveling but I don't really have any power over that because I have no money. I really miss traveling. It has always been such a big part of my life. But I definitely think I am going to try to be more adventurous in 2012 though. I've never been one to sit around and not tell people my feelings for them so that won't be an issue but I think I'll try to do more of that. Also greetings from St George! I am basically done with my semester, just have an online final and a portfolio to turn in on Monday. So happy :)

never looked better and you can't stand it.

DAY SIX - 11 Things

What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2012? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life?

1) Depression

2) Anxiety

3) Headaches

4) Fake friends

5) Broken hearts

6) Regrets

7) Doubts
8) Not having money
9) Shyness
10) Not traveling
11) Negativity


There's not really a lot of things I can do to eliminate those things. Besides well, getting a job, which is still proving to be difficult for me. Whatever. But most of them really have to do with changing myself. I think I've gotten a head start on most of them so really 2012 will just be about finalizing it and coming to terms with who I am even more. I couldn't be more excited.

i'm the one that's acting like i'm so strong, you're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong.

DAY FIVE - 2011: The Movie

If a film were made about ONE thing that happened to you in 2011, what would the film be called? Describe the plot/story.

So I've been staring at this prompt for 20 minutes or so trying to decide what thing that happened this year that I should write about. And I honestly don't think there is ONE single experience from the past year that is movie-worthy. Not to say my life has been drama free or anything like that I just think it would make a better movie if it were more comprehensive. Perhaps a look at my life over the past year overall would be better. And I guess I would just have to call it "A Work in Progress". 

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

reverb 11.

So I just heard about this blogging project called Reverb 11 that you're supposed to do everyday in December. And I really want to do it and it's only the 4th so I think I am still gonna go for it. Basically it's a reflection on 2011 and there are prompts for everyday that you're supposed to use. So I'm gonna do my first four days in this post and then try to do it daily from here on out. Here goes!

DAY ONE - One word.

Encapsulate 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re using that word.


Hmm that's really difficult. Of all the prompts I've had to do this one actually kinda tripped me up the most. I don't know what one word I could use to describe it. I guess if I picked one word it would be "trying". I think that word fits really well because it has two meanings. One is obviously to try something which I definitely did a lot of this year. I had a few firsts and did things I had never done before but also it has been trying in a different way. The second half of this year has been really hard for me. A lot of constant things in my life changed and I had to learn to adjust so yeah "trying" seems to fit.

DAY TWO - Let go

What, or whom, did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of some friends this year. I didn't feel like they were the best kinds of friends I could be hanging out with and thought it would be better if we went our separate ways. It's a lot more complicated than that but that's the gist of it. I also let go of trying to pretend I'm Mormon in front of my parents which was a big deal but I am so thankful that I am no longer trying to be someone I'm not. Admittedly it's not easy and I know it's still a disappointment to them but in the long run I know it's for the best.

DAY THREE - Ambitions

What are your ambitions? What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to/detracts from your ambitions? Can you eliminate it?

I think my main ambition is writing. I want to someday be published and I know that seems like an impossible dream it's what I've wanted since I was little. I don't know many little girls that wanted to be writers when they grew up but it's something I've always loved. I think something that detracts from that is the fact that I'm always busy writing things for school and not anything for myself anymore which is also why I wanted to take this challenge. I am hoping it'll force me to focus more time back onto my writing.

DAY FOUR - Healing

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2012?

I am still in a large process of healing. I started therapy again in early September because I could sense that I was about to spiral out of control and I am so glad I started when I did. I think if I had prolonged therapy any longer it could've been very bad. I had to fill out an evaluation when I started and I was only 3 points away from severe depression which is generally where people start committing suicide or acts of self harm. I took the test again last week and I am now in the normal range so I've made a lot of progress in just a few months. It's definitely been a drip-by-drip evolution and I am still in the process. I hope to have a lot more healing in 2012. I hope to be able to trust people again and kind of start over.