dumbed down & numbed by time & age

I should be reading Shakespeare which actually amounts to me reading Sparknotes on Shakespeare but even that is seemingly daunting at the moment. I woke up with a sore throat today. I haven't been sick in a long time so I actually am not too upset by it. I made a tumblr the other day, I still don't fully understand that nonsense but maybe in time I will. Most of my days are spent on campus wasting away in the library or bored to death in a class that I lack passion for. I am not a fan of this semester in the least. I find myself growing jealous of friends that only have class twice a week or have taken a hiatus from school to work. I don't know if this is normal for all college students that are almost done but I am just so over this school life. I'm tired of the endless questions about if I want to teach or what I want to do with my English degree because in all honesty I want to do this. I want to drink overpriced coffee and wander around big cities and write what I feel. And I didn't even need to go to school for that.

your ex lover is dead.

It's been an eventful weekend. I love where I am in life right now. And I love that no matter what happens to me and no matter how bad life seems it always bounces back. There is never any time or any situation that lasts forever. And even though it may be sad that it's true for unbelievable happiness as well, the dark times don't last forever. And I hope anyone reading this that is in a dark place knows that it will get better again. It has to. It's the way the world works.

I can't wait for summer. I know it's still February but I am so excited. It's funny to think of the person I was last year or even last fall. I have come so far since then. I truly know who I am and I truly love it. And the cool thing about finding out who you are and loving it is it's so much easier. Everything is easier. You make friends easier, people like you better because they get to know the real you! And if they don't like it then find someone else who does. It really is simple. We complicate life so much when in reality you don't need to. Let go of people who don't love you and find people who do. There are all kinds of great people in the world that might be waiting for a friend like you.

Sorry I know I'm being ridiculously cheesy right now I am just blissfully happy. Everything happens for a reason. Fate and serendipity are watching over me. I know it. Things are falling in to place. And even though I'm really stressed with school right now and trying to get a job it's all gonna be okay. I know it. I'll get through it and if some things fall through the cracks it'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. In fact in a year I'm sure I'll be amazed at how far I've come again...these challenges are a part of life and I welcome them.

Seriously so happy right now. Just kinda feel like telling everyone I know and giving everyone hugs. I love all my friends and I am so grateful to the ones that have stayed by my side and the new ones I've been making along the way. 

Yes you can judge me for loving Katy Perry's new song. Also the lyrics in this video are kinda off but really this song makes me happy and I blast it in my car and belt it out. So judge away, I'm happy.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

it's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I always think of the best blog posts to write while I'm driving. Or in the shower. You know, the moments where there's no possible way to jot down your thoughts to revisit later. But I guess that's the way life is. It's fleeting, it's passing us by all the time. And it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

Lately there's been a lot of songs that have been able to convey my feelings better than I have lately. I guess that's one of the hazards of being a writer. Sometimes you can't find the words, or they've already been written for you. I don't like to think of myself as an "aspiring writer" like many people my age or even older that are trying to establish themselves. No. I'm just a writer. Whether I aspire to be published, downloaded, printed, whatever doesn't matter really. I am writer. It's what I do and it's also who I am. I may aspire to be a better writer but that's about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure where that came from. I didn't really have a specific topic in mind when I started this either, just that I'm on the computer and thought I'd throw a few lines down. I've been thinking about last year a lot lately. It's good and bad. It's crazy to think of how different my life was only 12 months ago as opposed to now. I've grown a lot and I never think I can grow more but then something happens and you have to. It's strange, it makes me wonder where I'll be in another 12 months. Like I said it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

[I know it's from the new Footloose movie but I promise it's good]

it's times like these when silence means everything.

Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.

So much has changed. I loved someone a lot, and one day I woke up and I realized what moving on really is. There’s such a big difference between getting over something and getting through it. I got through with it all, but if he came up to me and told me that he sincerely loved me, I wouldn’t resist that. It’s funny how things work out right? You think you’ll be best friends with someone forever and one day you’re just not anymore. All I know for sure is that when you love someone, I mean truly love someone, whether it’s a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you never stop loving them. Think about it. I’ve moved on, yes, but a part of me will always belong to him. I will always have that part of me that loves him.

Gossip girl comes back tomorrow. I could not be more excited. I guess I should probably do a life update or something. School is good. It's a lot different than last semester. I think I am actually gonna have to do a lot of homework, mostly reading and writing because I'm finally into my major. Yay. I went on a date on Friday, it was a lot of fun. I'm still amazed by how much my life has changed over the course of one year. I'm still not used to it, but it's becoming more and more normal. I'll try to update at least weekly but well, you know me, and I've said that before.

i'll take my time if you want to. and i'll give you whatever you need.

The words that I'm living 2012 by (although spelled correctly). I'm sick of my life being complicated. It doesn't need to be.

I've always found the greatest regrets in my life are from things I didn't do or didn't say than things I did.

Food for thought.

I'm starting school again tomorrow. Should be interesting. Things are actually looking up for me. I've made some changes and I started demanding more from myself and others. I'm not looking to cause drama, although I haven't been since high school. I'm owning up to things I've done and said and that's that.

Also listen to this song.

Jackson Waters is my favorite right now. Cold War Kids are great too.

why do we like to hurt so much?

Guys...
I have decided that I'm giving up on the reverb challenge. I don't get any comments or feedback from it and honestly I'm not sure what good it's doing me to keep looking back over this past year. I feel okay with the half that I did but I don't think I'm going to complete the project. I hope you understand and I will just be going back to my normal and sporadic posts from now on. And that's not to say I won't ever post about my past again, I just don't think this particular project is helpful for me.

i'm impossible to forget but hard to remember

DAY ELEVEN - Health and Wellness

Health and wellness - What did you do in 2011 to improve your overall health/fitness/wellness? What unhealthy habits would you like to break in the new year? With what healthy habits would you replace them?

So this is one aspect of my life that needs great improvement ha. I don't think I did much of anything to help my health this year except my mental health. Physically I definitely want to take up running or something next year. I should probably stop eating so much fast food and Chick-fil-A and replace it with more fruits and vegetables. I'm kinda a failure when it comes to this stuff haha but I promise I will try to get better.

there are 7 billion people in the world. sometimes all you need is one.

I cannot go to the ocean,

I cannot drive the streets at night,

I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind.

But so you're gone and I'm haunted,

and I'll bet you are just fine.

Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out...

of my life?

-A Fine Frenzy "Almost Lover"

maybe you'll remember me. what i gave is yours to keep.

I don't really know what to say lately which is why I haven't been saying anything at all. I guess I'm of that old school of thought where I keep my mouth shut unless I have something important to say. Although you wouldn't know that by my twitter feed, but that doesn't really matter. I updated my layout, I don't know why just wanted a change I guess, which is kind of what I've been wanting in my life. It's all the same and I desperately need something to shake me up in a good way. But I don't really know what to do about it...besides watch lots and lots of Gossip Girl since it's now on Netflix. 

But anyway I bought 3 new iPhone cases this week and I found this while I was shopping and I thought it was so cute

I am really gonna try to start blogging more I swear.

september obsessions.

Alright so I'm creatively blocked and super bored so we're gonna have a cop out blog and have some September obsessions! Woooo.





1) Foster the People


Except I really don't like Pumped Up Kicks. I do love this song though. So much.

2) Taco Bell Chicken Flatbread Sandwiches


Umm these are only 99 cents. And they're actually delicious. I am not ashamed hahaha.

3) Catcher in the Rye


I tried reading this book before my junior year(?) of high school and I absolutely hated it. I decided to cop out and just read the Spark Notes but I was assigned to read it for my Adolescent Lit class and I absolutely love it. It's up there in my favorite books now. If you hated the book in high school I recommend you try rereading it. Or if you haven't read it you should give it a try. It's a very polarizing book and it seems like you either really hate it or really love it but yeah. Holden Caulfield ♥

4) Gray nail polish


This one to be exact! Break a Leg-Warmer. Haha I love it. It's Sephora by OPI.

i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

Oh hi. Yeah I still suck at blogging.

Here's some things I love lately:

Astrology

So I've always been intrigued by astrology but my bff Josh White has gotten me more into it (as well as most of my friends). It's hilarious, we have these deep cons about how our signs are the best and how we interact with each other. They may not be worth basing your whole life off of or anything but they're pretty interesting and can seem surprisingly accurate at times.

Dear Photograph

I don't know if you guys have heard of this website but I recently found it and I think it's sooo cool/cute/awesome. Basically you take a picture of yourself holding a picture. If that doesn't make any sense then you should check it out and see for yourself haha.

Listening to songs with amazing lyrics that I used to love

Yeah this one is weirdly specific but I recently started listening to some old bands that I used to be obsessed with back in middle school and their lyrics are still amazing. I will always love Brand New, Something Corporate, and Bright Eyes. Also Panic! At the Disco's first album is pretty great to blast in your car when you're feeling a little angry hahaha.

Bingo

Nuff said. Also I'm totes doing that college bingo when school starts. Ha.

Love Culture

I was looking for new places to buy cute clothes for school and happened upon this website! I had never heard of it before but it's super cute and they have a store opening at City Creek in 2012! Yay. I bought the cardigan above and also another striped cardigan. I'm a sucker for them what can I say?

Cheers.

we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I don't feel like writing. So this is for you. I think it sums up some of my emotions over the past week.

i love when jersey shore comes back...

Because then this happens:

Also this happens:

and this

Sorry I have sucked at updating lately...I've been super busy. I'd tell you the details but yeah not really blog worthy. Anyway I'm off to see a movie with my two cute Leo boys, I'll give you a better update later I promise.

Ciao bitches.

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

i feel so far from where i've been.

Sorry I haven't actually written something in awhile. I've been struggling, I'm not going to lie. But I've been trying to keep busy. I must admit I've been a little reckless and have wanted to runaway more than actually stay here and face my problems but I am still here after all right? I've felt a lot weaker lately than I've ever felt in my life. I've always kind of known I was stronger than the average person but I haven't felt that way lately. I honestly feel really lost in my life right now. I don't know what my future holds at all. I don't know what I want to do with myself as a career or anything like that. I think for the most part all I've figured out in my first couple years of college are all the things I don't want. I guess that's slightly helpful but it'd be nice to actually have goals or ideas of where I want to be going instead of stumbling around in the dark which is what I feel like I'm doing in my personal life. I guess I'll just be straight forward and say that my boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago now and I don't even know what to say about it. I just thought I'd tell my readers who I don't talk to very often anymore and keep them updated. It happened because of odd circumstances that I won't go into here but it's been hard for me as all break ups are, I just don't know how to handle it at all. And I keep going back and forth between all these feelings I have and I just don't know what to do. I worry about him and I still love him but he's pushing me away and I have to accept that and sit around and wait. Things that I'm really really not good at at all.

In other news school is starting in less than a month and I am torn between feelings of yay distractions and ugh no more summer. I'm really bad at this thing called life. Someone help me?

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...

yay :)

And I can't wait to write this summer's. If it's anything like last summer's then I'm in for a real treat.

Let's make some memories friends :)