some nights.

For some reason, I always have this running dialogue in my head and it usually begins with "My name is Sammy. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I ________." And the blank is whatever is on my mind at the time. I don't know when I started narrating my life in this way. It seems like it's been forever. And it's stupid, really. I probably have even written about it before. But anyway.

Summer makes me nostalgic. Which is weird. I think every season makes me nostalgic in one way or another though. I guess I truly am an old soul at heart because for some reason I always think longingly of the past as "the good ole days", even though truthfully it wasn't as good as I remember it being. I was reflecting on warm summer nights like this, while driving home from work as I drove past a car with one headlight aglow and I instinctively hit the roof of my car with my fist, yelling "SEX!" And I thought of a boy with pale blue eyes and a big, goofy smile that he was never really fond of, spread across his face looking at me. And it was weird because I hardly think of him that way at all anymore.

And then I started thinking... 

I remember writing a similar post last year. Reminiscing on what my previous summer was like and wondering how different I'd feel this summer from last. The funny thing is, I actually feel exactly the same as I did last summer. Even though almost everything in my world is different. I wondered what friends I'd lose and what people I wouldn't think about anymore. Or people I'd long to think about. But I never could have imagined who I would gain, or ever be prepared for some I would lose. I'm also surprised by those who I lost but have since gained back and under what circumstances. It's all crazy really. Life, I mean. I don't really know why I'm writing this, or why I have a blog anymore. No one reads this, or cares. But I thought I'd throw something out there.  

i do my best when i'm busiest.

Random thoughts in no particular order:

• Thinking about doing the photo a day challenge on Instagram again in May. I did the one in February. It was a lot of fun.
• 21st birthday. 15 days. Could not be more excited. Just ordered a new dress. It's red. I hope it fits. Fingers crossed.
• This song
• My laptop is on its last legs of life. Yes, my pink "Legally Blonde"-esque laptop has seen better days. I was on Forever 21's website today and it wanted to translate the whole thing from Danish. Yeah...it was definitely in English. Psycho. Keeping my hopes up that I'll get a MacBook.
• I have one final this week. On Tuesday. Should be studying, not blogging. Oops.
• All eyes on me when I walk in, no question that this girl's a ten, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.
• I got an A- in Spanish 1020. Pretty exciting. Celebrating over Eggs Benedict with mi amigo Ryan tomorrow morning. Stoked.
• Love my job and my coworkers are the best. Some times it's boring but I love when it goes by fast or I can be silly with Hunter and Hanna.
• I need to start working out. Legit.
• I wonder if we ever stop feeling like we're teenagers.
• I started Mad Men on Netflix (finally). I can already tell I'm gonna be addicted to it.
• All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more stupid love song I'll be sick.
• Someday I'll be good at blogging. Maybe.

maybe you'll remember me. what i gave is yours to keep.

I don't really know what to say lately which is why I haven't been saying anything at all. I guess I'm of that old school of thought where I keep my mouth shut unless I have something important to say. Although you wouldn't know that by my twitter feed, but that doesn't really matter. I updated my layout, I don't know why just wanted a change I guess, which is kind of what I've been wanting in my life. It's all the same and I desperately need something to shake me up in a good way. But I don't really know what to do about it...besides watch lots and lots of Gossip Girl since it's now on Netflix. 

But anyway I bought 3 new iPhone cases this week and I found this while I was shopping and I thought it was so cute

I am really gonna try to start blogging more I swear.

what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane

...and on the second week of school Sammy came down with the cold from hell. Actually I think it's more like the flu. My whole body is aching and my throat has never been more sore in my life.

I should be doing my Spanish homework because it's due tonight but I'm taking a break. Spanish is so hard for me, I keep getting the words mixed up with French words because well, I took French for 3 years. Why am I not taking French now? I've been asking myself the same question...oh yeah! Because French is scary haha and the class times sucked. Also Spanish is a lot more useful soo we're giving it a try.

Anyways yeah that's the bane of my existence. I'm not really good at this whole school thing. Homework is kinda not my strong suit. Oh well I guess. Maybe you'll be lucky and I'll update again soon.

i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

Oh hi. Yeah I still suck at blogging.

Here's some things I love lately:

Astrology

So I've always been intrigued by astrology but my bff Josh White has gotten me more into it (as well as most of my friends). It's hilarious, we have these deep cons about how our signs are the best and how we interact with each other. They may not be worth basing your whole life off of or anything but they're pretty interesting and can seem surprisingly accurate at times.

Dear Photograph

I don't know if you guys have heard of this website but I recently found it and I think it's sooo cool/cute/awesome. Basically you take a picture of yourself holding a picture. If that doesn't make any sense then you should check it out and see for yourself haha.

Listening to songs with amazing lyrics that I used to love

Yeah this one is weirdly specific but I recently started listening to some old bands that I used to be obsessed with back in middle school and their lyrics are still amazing. I will always love Brand New, Something Corporate, and Bright Eyes. Also Panic! At the Disco's first album is pretty great to blast in your car when you're feeling a little angry hahaha.

Bingo

Nuff said. Also I'm totes doing that college bingo when school starts. Ha.

Love Culture

I was looking for new places to buy cute clothes for school and happened upon this website! I had never heard of it before but it's super cute and they have a store opening at City Creek in 2012! Yay. I bought the cardigan above and also another striped cardigan. I'm a sucker for them what can I say?

Cheers.

stolen from jill.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to 10 Different People (but don't say their name):
1. I wish I could do more to help you. You've been such a good friend to me and you don't deserve all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life.
2. I think you're an idiot. I wish you never pushed me away. I feel like the only person in the world who wants to help you and you're denying yourself of it. You've brought this upon yourself. I still love you though, despite everything. I wish I knew you still cared. I wish you'd talk to me. You broke your promise. You ended up just like him.
3. I miss you. You were my best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I've really needed you these past few weeks but I've been too afraid to reach out. I'm too afraid that you'll leave me again.
4. I really wish you weren't doing this. I know you think it'll make you happy, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me.
5. I meant it when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been there with me through so much and I think we've always had a special bond...I guess you knew that too. I'm still shocked about everything but the fact that it's you makes it a lot less scary.
6. I know you worry about me, but I promise I'm going to be fine. I'm still the same girl you always knew, now I just get to be honest.
7. I'm so glad we're friends. You make me laugh like no other and we've gotten really close really quickly. I know you feel the same way about me and it's fantastic. I think we'll be friends for a long time. If we can get through all this we can get through anything.
8. You annoy the living hell out of me.
9. I hate your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up together, please you're so much better than that.
10. I probably take our friendship for granted a lot but you've always been there for me. More so than anyone else, even when I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or because I can't sleep. Thanks for being so sweet.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I am left handed.
2. I'm lactose intolerant but believe ice cream is always worth the pain.
3. Taurus and proud.
4. I would love to run away and not tell a soul.
5. I want to be a cat that lives in a bookstore in my next life.
6. I've kissed eleven people.
7. I could eat Thai, Indian, and sushi for every meal and be extremely happy.
8. London is my favorite city.
9. I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Honesty.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Endless conversations.
4. Proving that you'll stick around.
5. Going on fun/spontaneous/random/awesome adventures.
6. The little things (ie holding my hand, i love yous, compliments)
7. Letting me meet your family and friends. It means a lot.
8. Not giving up on me when I'm stubborn.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. You.
2. Money.
3. Traveling.
4. My family and friends.
5. Naps.
6. How much I want another dog.
7. Song lyrics.

Six Things I Do Before Falling Asleep
1. Put pajamas on.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Take make up off.
4. Check facebook and twitter.
5. Text.
6. Think about stuff and hope that I can fall asleep that night.

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Katy
2. My parents.
3. The rest of my family.
4. My Georgey Shore family
5. My other amazing friends.

Four Things I'm Wearing:
1. Pink and white striped shirt I got for my birthday.
2. Jean shorts.
3. Silver bow earrings.
4. Socks.

Three Songs I Listen to Often (this summer):
1. Fools Like Me - Vanessa Carlton
2. She (For Liz) - Parachute
3. Wayy too many Taylor Swift songs

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. See the Northern Lights while in a hot tub.
2. Live on the coast of Maine

One Confession:
1. 

i love you more than i should, so much more than is good for me...

Just another Sunday afternoon spent driving around instead of church. I'm stuck behind some woman who thinks her grandkids are cuter than mine and doing everything in my power to stop thinking. I look up and suddenly I'm at 33rd South. It bothers me that no matter how hard I try I can't get lost in this city. I guess living here for 20 years makes that tough. I am craving that feeling though. The feeling of being lost. All alone. The rush of wondering when I'll make it back, if anyone would even notice or if my triumph of making my way back would just be mine and mine alone. Something I'd cling to when things get hard and I'd remind myself of that time I was lost and found my way back. But I didn't find that feeling today.
And I realized I now keep the volume on an even number at all times, I guess you rubbed off on me. My fantasy of running away is still in tact and getting stronger everyday. I just want to keep driving and never stop.

Run away,
Like the clouds move across the sky
and I'll follow them until we both dissolve.

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...

hi, i suck at blogging...

sorry.

Really though...I am sorry I haven't been updating this as regularly as you have all grown accustomed to. Although, that being said, I had 3 comments on my last entry because I wasn't updating as much so HA! I beat the system...or something...

Well let's do a quick life update from when we last spoke shall we? Okay here we go. Patrick came home from Greece! Yay! It was a joyous reunion. We spent a lot of time together and he gave me presents! But him being back was the best present of all. (end sappiness).

I also got a job! Finally! After a year of searching my lovely pal Rachel hooked me up with a receptionist job at a salon. She also works there too but sadly we won't ever work together because they only need one receptionist at a time. But it's all good! So most of my week was basically me training and trying to figure it all out. I sound like an idiot but it actually is kinda difficult at once and my anxiety kinda kicks in and I really don't wanna mess up anyone's schedules! But I'll get the hang of it I'm sure...

So that brings us to this weekend. I have been in sunny St George/Las Vegas since Thursday and it has been well...great and boring. Vegas was really fun because we got a lot of shopping done and ate delicious food and what not but St George has been super boring. I got some sun by the pool yesterday and I guess I missed a lot of spots with sunblock because I'm pretty burned. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Like my left foot is burned and a little patch before my hairline. I look like a fool. Umm...yeah other than that it's been super boring down here and I've just been missing my friends a lot. Especially because the last time I was in St George they were all with me and by comparison it has not been even close to the same!

Anyway, sorry this was kinda a boring life update blog. I'll try to be more artsy and thoughtful at some point but now is not the time. Love you all.

sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

Oh man. I do love Adele. I feel like you guys should all know that by now, but I digress.

Um, this has been the longest week of my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I feel like it's been month in one week. I keep saying that I've been so bored but I actually have been doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of my favorite people. I just keep looking for distractions I suppose and there just aren't enough distractions to keep me from missing him. Luckily for me Patrick is finally coming home tomorrow night! I'm sooo excited. I probably won't be able to see him til Sunday though so it's basically like another full day so meh. In other news, apparently the world is ending on Saturday so if that happens I'll never see him again. So my anxiety is kicking in. Nah, not really. There's no way the world is ending on Saturday. Crazy people. Seriously who comes up with this crap? Anyway you should all go see Bridesmaids cuz I saw it last night with my best friend Max and it was sooo funny. Seriously Kristen Wiig is hiiiilarious. No joke. Sorry I'm not really saying anything super interesting right now but like I said I've been effing bored this whole week and I really miss my best friend. Facebook messaging him twice a day is NOT enough. I text this kid 24/7 when he's home and I'm with him everyday. This has been insane for me haha. Yeah I probably sound like a drug addict but I'm just young and in love. That's all it is. Oh in other other news, I'm obsessed with my new iPhone. Except I really don't know how to use it to it's full capacity haha, it's smarter than me nbd. It's also white so that's cool. Haha.

Love you alllll. Leave me a comment for once in your freakin lives. You never know, the world might be ending it might be your last chance! ;)

it seems farther than ever before

Quote of the week: updated.

I can't wait til I can stop missing you :)

sorry, just had to be said

i need you so much closer.

So my birthday was yesterday and stuff and it was great but these past two days have been dragging on forever. It probably has something to do with the fact that I only got 5 hours of sleep last night or something but it mostly has to do with the fact that like my picture says, time goes by slower when you miss the one you love. I am pathetically listening to "Halfway Around the World" by A*Teens on repeat at the moment. I know, you all should probably unfollow me right now. How embarrassing.

It's also been weird to me thinking about how easily one can fall into old habits. It's weird how a time of year, a room, a smell, can take you back to a memory. I'm trying to avoid it and probably will I'm just slightly vulnerable at the moment.

I don't even know why I write here anymore haha. Whatever.

feel free to ignore this.

This is gonna be a lame update. And possibly a whiny one at that butttt...there is one thing keeping me from...

It is this asinine paper that I'm supposed to be writing about something that makes absolutely no sense. I'm serious if you don't believe me google James Joyce's "Finnegans Wake" it's one of the worst things I've ever read, but if any of you can understand it and help me finish this damn paper I will take you out to dinner. But because this is the only thing standing in my way it is probably going to be the worst paper I've ever written because I am completely half-assing it and not trying at all. Besides I think my professor is on crack which sparked an interesting discussion (read: argument) with my ex boyfriend about it who seems to think my professor is a gift from God. I guess there's a reason we're not together anymore right? Right.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant about stupid things. In other news, I got my hair done today so I'm on a high from that. It always makes me feel so much better afterwards :) I also caught up with my neighbor Ashley while laying in the sun and playing with her dog so it was nice and tonight I'm supposed to go to the Cheesecake Factory with my cute family. So all in all despite my stupid paper hanging over my head, I am having a great Thursday! Sorry this wasn't anything thought provoking or what not I just am not really feeling that right now. I'll just get back to writing my paper and watching Grease...the real one. Although it's not nearly as good as the one my high school did, at least not nearly as hilarious.

Quote of the week: updated.

this week's obsession?

With gems like that how can you not visit this website and love it?? Ha.

Today is World Nutella Day!

So eat some! It's delicious.

Also I'd update further but I'm in St George and my internet isn't working for some reason.

this time is ours♡

Golden Globes tonightttttt.

I am so excited.

I absolutely adore awards shows.

Can't even wait.

I'm rooting for King's Speech.

What can I say? I'm an Anglophile.

Also, why is The Bravery so amazing?

Still loving them, don't even worry about it.

i need freedom now, and i need to know how to live my life as it's meant to be.

Still sick. I think I'm getting worse. It's getting harder to breathe and I've acquired a man voice.

Starting school again on Monday. Pretty much terrified.

Nothing else to say really.

Hit up the Bayleaf with my pals tonight though. That was funnnn.

Also, Sunday secrets were already up so I peeked haha.

Some pretty good ones I'd say.

Anyway, I need to get some sleep.

well i for one love donuts.