moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

It's weird how slowly time goes by when you're waiting for a text message. And it kinda scares me how easy it is to slip back into old habits. And I'm kind of at the point where I stop feeling anything again. I always think I'll like that part but I never seem to. Sometimes I'd rather just be angry. Anger is easy. It blocks out pain too. You feel invincible and that whatever is bringing you down is insignificant, that you can handle it. But numbness, now that's something different altogether. You start crying and you don't know why. You just are crying. And the make up is stinging your eyes but you don't dare stop because who knows what else might happen after that. Who knows what else might try to seep out of you. And what else might be seeping in.
Hello depression, my old friend...as if I'm greeting an old classmate from school or something. Depression is definitely my enemy. It sits in the shadows of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness. I'll give it credit for that though, it has never truly left me alone. It's always waiting for it's time to shine...or darken I suppose. And I guess it found me again.

I think I've been pretty open that I have depression and if you didn't know that about me now you know. And it is something I have carried around with me for about 8 years. I've been trying my hardest to fight it but it's not working anymore. It's effecting my family and relationships. I just feel so alone and others would probably say I'm just desperate for attention and I guess that's true. Everyone has kind of abandoned me and no one knows how much help I need. I am hopefully starting therapy again soon and I'm scared but I want to get better and I owe it to all of you to do so so I can be a good friend to you again.

So please just bear with me for awhile. I'm trying as hard as I can even though it may not seem like it :/


Thanks. I love you all.

i feel so far from where i've been.

Sorry I haven't actually written something in awhile. I've been struggling, I'm not going to lie. But I've been trying to keep busy. I must admit I've been a little reckless and have wanted to runaway more than actually stay here and face my problems but I am still here after all right? I've felt a lot weaker lately than I've ever felt in my life. I've always kind of known I was stronger than the average person but I haven't felt that way lately. I honestly feel really lost in my life right now. I don't know what my future holds at all. I don't know what I want to do with myself as a career or anything like that. I think for the most part all I've figured out in my first couple years of college are all the things I don't want. I guess that's slightly helpful but it'd be nice to actually have goals or ideas of where I want to be going instead of stumbling around in the dark which is what I feel like I'm doing in my personal life. I guess I'll just be straight forward and say that my boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago now and I don't even know what to say about it. I just thought I'd tell my readers who I don't talk to very often anymore and keep them updated. It happened because of odd circumstances that I won't go into here but it's been hard for me as all break ups are, I just don't know how to handle it at all. And I keep going back and forth between all these feelings I have and I just don't know what to do. I worry about him and I still love him but he's pushing me away and I have to accept that and sit around and wait. Things that I'm really really not good at at all.

In other news school is starting in less than a month and I am torn between feelings of yay distractions and ugh no more summer. I'm really bad at this thing called life. Someone help me?

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...

dsfdshregfd

I have these meltdowns probably once a month. I think I bottle things up a lot. I've somehow gotten it into my head that showing weakness is probably the worst thing a person can do. So I keep everything inside me. I'm a very sensitive person too so eventually (about once a month) it all hits me and I either start hyperventilating and freaking out or crying and getting really depressed. It scares me when I get like this and I continually tell myself I need to be stronger and keep bottling these things up but the cup always spills over and I can't undo it once it happens. The flood gates open I guess you could say. And I guess that's what's been going on the past couple of days and I can't stop it and it's scaring me. I feel so fragile and I hate it and I feel like a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. I don't know how to not be like this though :/

hi, i suck at blogging...

sorry.

Really though...I am sorry I haven't been updating this as regularly as you have all grown accustomed to. Although, that being said, I had 3 comments on my last entry because I wasn't updating as much so HA! I beat the system...or something...

Well let's do a quick life update from when we last spoke shall we? Okay here we go. Patrick came home from Greece! Yay! It was a joyous reunion. We spent a lot of time together and he gave me presents! But him being back was the best present of all. (end sappiness).

I also got a job! Finally! After a year of searching my lovely pal Rachel hooked me up with a receptionist job at a salon. She also works there too but sadly we won't ever work together because they only need one receptionist at a time. But it's all good! So most of my week was basically me training and trying to figure it all out. I sound like an idiot but it actually is kinda difficult at once and my anxiety kinda kicks in and I really don't wanna mess up anyone's schedules! But I'll get the hang of it I'm sure...

So that brings us to this weekend. I have been in sunny St George/Las Vegas since Thursday and it has been well...great and boring. Vegas was really fun because we got a lot of shopping done and ate delicious food and what not but St George has been super boring. I got some sun by the pool yesterday and I guess I missed a lot of spots with sunblock because I'm pretty burned. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Like my left foot is burned and a little patch before my hairline. I look like a fool. Umm...yeah other than that it's been super boring down here and I've just been missing my friends a lot. Especially because the last time I was in St George they were all with me and by comparison it has not been even close to the same!

Anyway, sorry this was kinda a boring life update blog. I'll try to be more artsy and thoughtful at some point but now is not the time. Love you all.

sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

Oh man. I do love Adele. I feel like you guys should all know that by now, but I digress.

Um, this has been the longest week of my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I feel like it's been month in one week. I keep saying that I've been so bored but I actually have been doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of my favorite people. I just keep looking for distractions I suppose and there just aren't enough distractions to keep me from missing him. Luckily for me Patrick is finally coming home tomorrow night! I'm sooo excited. I probably won't be able to see him til Sunday though so it's basically like another full day so meh. In other news, apparently the world is ending on Saturday so if that happens I'll never see him again. So my anxiety is kicking in. Nah, not really. There's no way the world is ending on Saturday. Crazy people. Seriously who comes up with this crap? Anyway you should all go see Bridesmaids cuz I saw it last night with my best friend Max and it was sooo funny. Seriously Kristen Wiig is hiiiilarious. No joke. Sorry I'm not really saying anything super interesting right now but like I said I've been effing bored this whole week and I really miss my best friend. Facebook messaging him twice a day is NOT enough. I text this kid 24/7 when he's home and I'm with him everyday. This has been insane for me haha. Yeah I probably sound like a drug addict but I'm just young and in love. That's all it is. Oh in other other news, I'm obsessed with my new iPhone. Except I really don't know how to use it to it's full capacity haha, it's smarter than me nbd. It's also white so that's cool. Haha.

Love you alllll. Leave me a comment for once in your freakin lives. You never know, the world might be ending it might be your last chance! ;)

feel free to ignore this.

This is gonna be a lame update. And possibly a whiny one at that butttt...there is one thing keeping me from...

It is this asinine paper that I'm supposed to be writing about something that makes absolutely no sense. I'm serious if you don't believe me google James Joyce's "Finnegans Wake" it's one of the worst things I've ever read, but if any of you can understand it and help me finish this damn paper I will take you out to dinner. But because this is the only thing standing in my way it is probably going to be the worst paper I've ever written because I am completely half-assing it and not trying at all. Besides I think my professor is on crack which sparked an interesting discussion (read: argument) with my ex boyfriend about it who seems to think my professor is a gift from God. I guess there's a reason we're not together anymore right? Right.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant about stupid things. In other news, I got my hair done today so I'm on a high from that. It always makes me feel so much better afterwards :) I also caught up with my neighbor Ashley while laying in the sun and playing with her dog so it was nice and tonight I'm supposed to go to the Cheesecake Factory with my cute family. So all in all despite my stupid paper hanging over my head, I am having a great Thursday! Sorry this wasn't anything thought provoking or what not I just am not really feeling that right now. I'll just get back to writing my paper and watching Grease...the real one. Although it's not nearly as good as the one my high school did, at least not nearly as hilarious.

fo realz.

I really really really do. Update more after this nightmare is over.

i set fire to the rain

Peonies are my favorite flowers...in case anyone was wondering.

Quote of the week has been updated. I'm sorry I haven't been blogging as well as I should/used to. Not a lot of creativity has been coming to me I've just been dreading my finals. I can't wait for this semester to be over because quite frankly, it was the worst of my life. I keep trying to find the reason for why I had to be in Utah instead of London this semester and there's only one reason I can think of...and for the most part it's a pretty great one :)

i'm gonna read this later and think i was possessed...

If anyone wants to tell me what the hell Pound is talking about in his stupid Cantos now would be the time.

Thankssss.

I'll update more later, I'm kind of on the downward spiral of a nervous breakdown. The extra energy has been fun but I definitely had zero focus and probably said the weirdest things possible. I guess I should've taken that crazy lady in my Modernism class's advice when she said you need to be slightly intoxicated to understand anything we read in that class. If only...

fake palindromes

My name is Sammy Smith.

I have blonde hair and blue eyes.

I am completely overwhelmed by this stupid paper I'm supposed to be writing right now so for some reason my mind keeps narrating itself in a stupid manner so I thought if I wrote on my blog maybe it would go away.

So far it hasn't.

I guess there's a couple other things stressing me out more than my paper, it's just that the paper seems to be the most prevalent issue at the moment so it's taking all the heat.

I randomly have the urge to say that I hate John Mayer and Jack Johnson. I know, something must be wrong with me but I've never liked those two and I swear everyone else my age does. I'd rather listen to Andrew Bird and Joshua Radin. I probably should've gone to Joshua Radin's concert now that I think about it but 22 dollars seems like a lot of money to me these days. My Wednesday night was rather interesting on it's own anyway...

I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. I wish my brain would shut up for two seconds so maybe I could come up with something intelligent but at the same time, I really don't think anyone in my Modernism class is particularly intelligent. They all seem like desperate wannabes who just say things they think my tries-too-hard professor wants to hear. Maybe if they said it in French they'd impress him otherwise...I don't know. Now I'm just being catty and I don't really mean that. I guess I'm just so overwhelmed.

I want to run way. Why am I even in college? I don't know.

& i wonder if i ever cross your mind...

I officially:

-Suck at school, supposed to be writing an essay and don't even understand the topic

-Love Glee. Didn't think I could love it anymore but I doooo.

-Need sleep. I'm losing my mind from the stress of needing to write this essay and not knowing how mixed with loving Glee and a long car ride home today.

Oh and not giving a crap about the Superbowl was hard work.

Ha joke.

Anyway I should get off this stupid blog.

I looooove this boy. I made it Twitter official. So he basically officially thinks I'm a crazy stalker.