Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

dumbed down & numbed by time & age

I should be reading Shakespeare which actually amounts to me reading Sparknotes on Shakespeare but even that is seemingly daunting at the moment. I woke up with a sore throat today. I haven't been sick in a long time so I actually am not too upset by it. I made a tumblr the other day, I still don't fully understand that nonsense but maybe in time I will. Most of my days are spent on campus wasting away in the library or bored to death in a class that I lack passion for. I am not a fan of this semester in the least. I find myself growing jealous of friends that only have class twice a week or have taken a hiatus from school to work. I don't know if this is normal for all college students that are almost done but I am just so over this school life. I'm tired of the endless questions about if I want to teach or what I want to do with my English degree because in all honesty I want to do this. I want to drink overpriced coffee and wander around big cities and write what I feel. And I didn't even need to go to school for that.

some nights.

For some reason, I always have this running dialogue in my head and it usually begins with "My name is Sammy. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I ________." And the blank is whatever is on my mind at the time. I don't know when I started narrating my life in this way. It seems like it's been forever. And it's stupid, really. I probably have even written about it before. But anyway.

Summer makes me nostalgic. Which is weird. I think every season makes me nostalgic in one way or another though. I guess I truly am an old soul at heart because for some reason I always think longingly of the past as "the good ole days", even though truthfully it wasn't as good as I remember it being. I was reflecting on warm summer nights like this, while driving home from work as I drove past a car with one headlight aglow and I instinctively hit the roof of my car with my fist, yelling "SEX!" And I thought of a boy with pale blue eyes and a big, goofy smile that he was never really fond of, spread across his face looking at me. And it was weird because I hardly think of him that way at all anymore.

And then I started thinking... 

I remember writing a similar post last year. Reminiscing on what my previous summer was like and wondering how different I'd feel this summer from last. The funny thing is, I actually feel exactly the same as I did last summer. Even though almost everything in my world is different. I wondered what friends I'd lose and what people I wouldn't think about anymore. Or people I'd long to think about. But I never could have imagined who I would gain, or ever be prepared for some I would lose. I'm also surprised by those who I lost but have since gained back and under what circumstances. It's all crazy really. Life, I mean. I don't really know why I'm writing this, or why I have a blog anymore. No one reads this, or cares. But I thought I'd throw something out there.  

don't bring me down with you.

They say people get used to beauty. But I don't think I ever got used to yours. And I remember me sitting on your bed an hour before and watching you pack and thinking how beautiful you are to me.
The way your brown hair slightly curls in all the right spots and your pale blue eyes and I kept wondering how I could be so lucky. And it's weird to think about now. All of it really.

I need to write more. I'm the worst writer ever, how long can you consider yourself a writer if you don't write anything at all? Although, that's not entirely true. I'm writing a 6 page paper right now for school but it's not something that's for my soul. I need to write things for my soul. My sister told me the other day that I talk like a writer. And I don't think I've ever been given a more beautiful compliment in my life. I've missed it. Remember when I used to blog weekly? I need to get back to that. And this summer I'm going to write. I have to. What kind of writer am I if I don't? I need to get back to writing my paper but I just thought I would say something here so my readers don't forget about me. Even though I think there's only about 2 of you nowadays.

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge

The rules for this tag game:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a picture of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them. 

Randomness


1. I should be writing a paper right now.


2. I have a ridiculous number of Draw Something games going on right now and I never seem to be able to catch up on them.


3. I just got a job at a new boutique at Fashion Place mall. It's called Francesca's Collections.


4. I'm craving coffee. Might have to take a study break to procure some. 


5. I have 7 different iPhone cases...it's a bit of an obsession.


6. I have 434 followers on Twitter so I'm a relatively small deal.


7. I am going to California on Wednesday.


8. Every time I think about blogging it's usually because I'm either avoiding something or need to vent. Neither one of those things are very good for maintaining followers but it's therapeutic so you'll have to deal.


9. I'm home alone! And breaking all the rules. Well just a few.


10. I want to fix things with a certain person and I'm starting to worry the only way I'll be able to do that is giving him a taste of his own medicine.


11. My best friend moon walked into a freezer the other day at the grocery store and it still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.




Jill's Questions
1. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
That changes on a daily basis. Right now I think just plain chocolate sounds delightful.

2. If you could live anywhere for 10 years, where would you live?
London, of course.


3. What would have as a pet if it could be anything?
I legit want a fox as a pet, they actually can be domesticated too.

4. Favorite movie?
The Holiday, duh.

5. Paper or plastic?
Paper. I am a writer, after all ;)


6. What is an invention that you want to invent?
I'd appreciate if any kind of food could just appear at the touch of a button. Like in the Capitol in Hunger Games.


7. What is your favorite kind of weather?
Pretty much like today actually. Mild weather with a bit of sun. I love rain too though.


8. I'm copying this, but guilty pleasure?
Taylor Swift and Gossip Girl.

9. What are you most excited for during 2012?
Summer.10. If you could have any career in life, what would it be?
Traveling writer. Or something.

11. If you could redo one thing from the past five years, what would it be? 
I don't play that game anymore.


11 New Questions.


I don't really know anyone to tag so I'll just make 11 new questions for whoever reads this and wants to play. If you do though, leave me a comment so I can read your answers!


1. Would you ever audition for a reality show? Which one?


2. What literary character do you most wish was real?


3. How do you feel about gay marriage?


4. Do you like cats?


5. Do you believe in fate?


6.  Favorite Disney movie as a kid?


7. Do you believe in an afterlife?


8. Would you rather wake up early or sleep in late?


9. Are you single or in a relationship?


10. If you could be another race, what would you choose?


11. Do you have any strange eating habits? 

let's skip the charades.

I feel like I should write something here but I don't know what. It's been a pretty boring Sunday night and I am done with all my homework that I need to get done immediately so here I am. My iPhone has a broken lock button so I might have to get it replaced tomorrow so I've been backing up stuff and in my notes I have some blog ideas/writing that has popped into my head when I haven't been able to write it down. Here's one of those quotes:

I was never a girl that sat on the sidelines of love. I jumped right in, guns ablaze. I won't say it hasn't hurt me or broken my heart sometimes seemingly beyond repair but at least I know what love is. And that is; something worth fighting for.

I am not sure when I wrote that now. Within the past few months I guess but it's still completely true. And I hope that everyone who reads my blog knows that too. Love is always worth the pain you go through to get it. I have never regretted falling for anyone or the memories I have shared with them. So don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Tell someone how you feel. Make the first move. Do something. You never know if maybe they're hoping you will.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

"if you really need him fate won't let you lose him, fate will bring him back, it may not be soon, but he will come back."

A lot of my life has been built up on my belief in the idea of fate. It has been one of those things that has gotten me through countless challenges in my life. Just the idea that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be has always been a comfort to me but lately I've been wondering if it is actually true. I guess I've just been wanting fate to prove itself to me. I need that reassurance that I am in the right place, with the right people, and the right person will find me. That last one is the biggest for me. I know I am young and not really ready to be married but living in the place I do, in the culture that surrounds me I start to wonder why I am not in that place yet. And then I get worried I won't ever be in that place. Perhaps it's my anxiety disorder that mucks everything up in my mind but I do get scared. I know that God has a plan for me or what not but I don't know if things can go wrong or get messed up. Do we always end up where we're supposed to? I've always had to believe that for myself. Just for peace of mind and being able to get out of bed in the morning otherwise the things I have lost would probably kill me. I wouldn't say that I am lost exactly I just feel like so much of my life has changed that I'd like to know that it's all supposed to have happened. That all of these losses I've experienced haven't been for nothing and having my heart ripped to pieces wasn't pointless. I'd like to know that you were supposed to have hurt me this way to make us both grow as people and if we are meant to be together our paths will cross again. But I don't have that assurance and I guess no one really does.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I know no one reads this anymore and I know all anyone will tell me is just to trust in God or something. I guess I'm hoping that fate will make you read this and maybe you'll know what I'm trying to say. But it may or may not and I guess that is fate's prerogative. But truthfully you always show up at the worst of times. I catch a glimpse of you when I am the least prepared and it scares me and my blood pulses and I feel like I've just been kicked in the stomach or something. It's like I have to be reminded that I am not supposed to forget about you or the effect you have on me.


This is just venting I suppose anyway. The truth is no one knows. Not even you.

it's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I always think of the best blog posts to write while I'm driving. Or in the shower. You know, the moments where there's no possible way to jot down your thoughts to revisit later. But I guess that's the way life is. It's fleeting, it's passing us by all the time. And it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

Lately there's been a lot of songs that have been able to convey my feelings better than I have lately. I guess that's one of the hazards of being a writer. Sometimes you can't find the words, or they've already been written for you. I don't like to think of myself as an "aspiring writer" like many people my age or even older that are trying to establish themselves. No. I'm just a writer. Whether I aspire to be published, downloaded, printed, whatever doesn't matter really. I am writer. It's what I do and it's also who I am. I may aspire to be a better writer but that's about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure where that came from. I didn't really have a specific topic in mind when I started this either, just that I'm on the computer and thought I'd throw a few lines down. I've been thinking about last year a lot lately. It's good and bad. It's crazy to think of how different my life was only 12 months ago as opposed to now. I've grown a lot and I never think I can grow more but then something happens and you have to. It's strange, it makes me wonder where I'll be in another 12 months. Like I said it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

[I know it's from the new Footloose movie but I promise it's good]

"I cannot forget that I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

I said I didn't want to do this.

Remember 2011. But on New Year's Eve it seems almost inevitable so I will try to keep it short and sweet and possibly just sum it up with this quote from One Tree Hill

"This year I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for, but in a way, I lost even more."


It's true. I had everything this year, more than I ever could have anticipated. And I lost all of it and possibly even more. And although at the end of most trials people look back and are grateful because they learned a lot about themselves and they don't take things for granted anymore or something, I don't know if that's true for me. And maybe it's not true for anyone. We all just say these things because looking back on the past actually breaks our hearts but we know we can't do anything to fix it. We can't change the past. The way we acted and reacted to things that changed our lives is over; we have to keep moving. 
So maybe that's just what we tell ourselves to ease the pain of what we've lost or things that have changed. We tell ourselves it's okay, I'm better now for it. I've grown. 


But I don't know if I really have. Do any of us? I mean really, do we ever really change? I'd like to say yes and maybe we can. And not to quote One Tree Hill again but I think I have to 
"...at the end of the day, you are who you are. And at the end of the day, it's probably who you've always been."
I think the only way we really change is we become more of who we really are. I don't think you can dramatically change your personality. People get hurt and have to adapt and change all the time, but really deep down you're just becoming more of who you are. I mean, I know it's possible and there are exceptions to the rule but I think this is the rule. Who you are is who you've always been.

In other news...

I made the Dean's list this semester so I guess having a broken heart was good for something.

I still haven't given up yet.

this will blow over in time.

It's weird how a song can bring you back to a moment. I've talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Because right now I'm in your car. And we're driving around. Doing something stupid, like buying a lava lamp on a gray afternoon in May. Your hand is out the window, and this song comes on so you turn it up. It's one of your top 3 favorite bands ever. Just one of those stupid things that I still remember after all this time...but I digress. And now I'm listening to it here. Six months later. In my room while writing a final paper for a class that was the furthest thing from my mind.
And the truth is, I don't miss you at all. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I will always be in love with that boy who gave me a glimpse of his heart, which is more than most can say I assure you. But we are different people than we were merely six months ago. We have both changed and been altered by each other I'd like to think. In fact, I'd even be so bold to say we are strangers.

I don't know you anymore and you sure as hell don't know me. 

maybe you'll remember me. what i gave is yours to keep.

I don't really know what to say lately which is why I haven't been saying anything at all. I guess I'm of that old school of thought where I keep my mouth shut unless I have something important to say. Although you wouldn't know that by my twitter feed, but that doesn't really matter. I updated my layout, I don't know why just wanted a change I guess, which is kind of what I've been wanting in my life. It's all the same and I desperately need something to shake me up in a good way. But I don't really know what to do about it...besides watch lots and lots of Gossip Girl since it's now on Netflix. 

But anyway I bought 3 new iPhone cases this week and I found this while I was shopping and I thought it was so cute

I am really gonna try to start blogging more I swear.

the obligatory first week of school post

So I survived another first week of school. Admittedly, I've had worse first weeks of school, but I've also definitely had better. I reallllllly like my classes though. I love my professors, so already we're off to a much better start than last semester. I haven't met my Adolescent Lit prof yet because he canceled class this week but I have only heard good things about him and I could not be more excited for that class. So all in all I think I gave myself a pretty fun semester minus a few of the things that stressed me out this week I really have a lot to be thankful for.

In other news my bff/neighbor Sarah Marshall is getting married super soon and it's crazy. I am so happy for her though Max is a great guy and I know they'll be very happy together :)

I also saw the movie One Day this week and it was really good but so sad! I won't spoil it for people who haven't seen it but it's a pretty good one. I cried.

In other other news I don't really know what to say. I need to start writing something better again, this much I know. I just feel like people who read this blog can't handle the other side of me.

stolen from jill.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to 10 Different People (but don't say their name):
1. I wish I could do more to help you. You've been such a good friend to me and you don't deserve all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life.
2. I think you're an idiot. I wish you never pushed me away. I feel like the only person in the world who wants to help you and you're denying yourself of it. You've brought this upon yourself. I still love you though, despite everything. I wish I knew you still cared. I wish you'd talk to me. You broke your promise. You ended up just like him.
3. I miss you. You were my best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I've really needed you these past few weeks but I've been too afraid to reach out. I'm too afraid that you'll leave me again.
4. I really wish you weren't doing this. I know you think it'll make you happy, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me.
5. I meant it when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been there with me through so much and I think we've always had a special bond...I guess you knew that too. I'm still shocked about everything but the fact that it's you makes it a lot less scary.
6. I know you worry about me, but I promise I'm going to be fine. I'm still the same girl you always knew, now I just get to be honest.
7. I'm so glad we're friends. You make me laugh like no other and we've gotten really close really quickly. I know you feel the same way about me and it's fantastic. I think we'll be friends for a long time. If we can get through all this we can get through anything.
8. You annoy the living hell out of me.
9. I hate your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up together, please you're so much better than that.
10. I probably take our friendship for granted a lot but you've always been there for me. More so than anyone else, even when I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or because I can't sleep. Thanks for being so sweet.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I am left handed.
2. I'm lactose intolerant but believe ice cream is always worth the pain.
3. Taurus and proud.
4. I would love to run away and not tell a soul.
5. I want to be a cat that lives in a bookstore in my next life.
6. I've kissed eleven people.
7. I could eat Thai, Indian, and sushi for every meal and be extremely happy.
8. London is my favorite city.
9. I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Honesty.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Endless conversations.
4. Proving that you'll stick around.
5. Going on fun/spontaneous/random/awesome adventures.
6. The little things (ie holding my hand, i love yous, compliments)
7. Letting me meet your family and friends. It means a lot.
8. Not giving up on me when I'm stubborn.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. You.
2. Money.
3. Traveling.
4. My family and friends.
5. Naps.
6. How much I want another dog.
7. Song lyrics.

Six Things I Do Before Falling Asleep
1. Put pajamas on.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Take make up off.
4. Check facebook and twitter.
5. Text.
6. Think about stuff and hope that I can fall asleep that night.

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Katy
2. My parents.
3. The rest of my family.
4. My Georgey Shore family
5. My other amazing friends.

Four Things I'm Wearing:
1. Pink and white striped shirt I got for my birthday.
2. Jean shorts.
3. Silver bow earrings.
4. Socks.

Three Songs I Listen to Often (this summer):
1. Fools Like Me - Vanessa Carlton
2. She (For Liz) - Parachute
3. Wayy too many Taylor Swift songs

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. See the Northern Lights while in a hot tub.
2. Live on the coast of Maine

One Confession:
1. 

without you i'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I still love this song.



"Stop For A Minute"
(feat. K'naan)

[Keane]
Some days, feel my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

[K'naan]
Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
I'm too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

[Keane]
And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

[K'naan]
I feel like a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

[Keane]
Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

[K'Naan - rap]
One... yeah...
And baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackled the bad til I know
I'm such a hassle every time I let my thoughts go
I get baffled so I hardly pause
I just crossed seas with these gnarly broads
Cos it hurts me just to see what I finally lost
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

[Keane]
And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
[K'naan]
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
[Keane]
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe
[K'naan]
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

do you remember how it used to be, we'd turn out the lights and didn't just sleep

So I'm just sitting in my room listening to a playlist on 8 Tracks called "From Bitter to Better" and trying to figure out when exactly I became so old. I became acutely aware of it today while wandering around Butlerville Days with my friends and looking at all the high school kids and thinking "God, did I really look that clueless and awkward at 16?" And I realized that yes in fact I did, and I probably looked worse... this was me at 16

If you don't think that's bad enough check this out

I had no boobs hahaha

I'm also super weirded out that I have so many pictures of me from high school where I'm taking dumb mirror shots. I forgot this was when Myspace was still popular. Maybe I'll post more if you're lucky ;) 

But I digress

I'm 20 years old. And when I got home from my night I sat down next to mom and watched Doug on the 90's Are All That and seriously I felt so old. I have just had a strange night I guess. I'm not even sure how to word how I feel right now, I just feel really weird. I guess I reflected back on high school and graduation and I thought of my life then and I never imagined I'd end up this way. When I graduated high school I thought I was going to Utah State. I thought I'd go there for four years and become a psychologist which meant going somewhere else for grad school and now I'm on a completely different path. My best friends then are now total strangers to me that I've barely talked to in the past year. Some people that I was acquaintances with or enemies with even are some of my closest friends now. I suppose vice versa has happened as well, I've lost some close friends too. People have been engaged, married, and having kids that I never expected would settle down so fast. It's all just mind blowing I guess.

I don't really know what the point of this was but it's nice to throw my thoughts out there sometimes. I think I'm always contemplative and thinking about how different my 24th of July always is every year. Last year I was at a Real game with my boyfriend Truong and Ed and Diana. Truong and I went out to lunch at Market Street and then we swam in Chelsea's pool with Ed before the game and I didn't have a swimsuit so I swam in my underwear haha. She was on vacation and her cousin was over and he came outside and scared the hell out of us. Truong was pretending to be a koala and clinging to me and said I was a eucalyptus tree. It's weird the things you remember. Haha. The year before I barely remember. Jane wasn't my friend anymore and I think I stayed home and sulked about it. The year before that Jane and I went to Butlerville Days together and watched the fireworks in our friend Brad's backyard. I don't know why I'm telling you guys all of this I'm just feeling reflective. My heart is big. I remember things down to the very last details and it's hard for me to let go I guess. It's hard for me to believe that people I loved so dearly could stop loving me back but it seems to be a trend in my life. People move on, but I never seem to.

i love you more than i should, so much more than is good for me...

Just another Sunday afternoon spent driving around instead of church. I'm stuck behind some woman who thinks her grandkids are cuter than mine and doing everything in my power to stop thinking. I look up and suddenly I'm at 33rd South. It bothers me that no matter how hard I try I can't get lost in this city. I guess living here for 20 years makes that tough. I am craving that feeling though. The feeling of being lost. All alone. The rush of wondering when I'll make it back, if anyone would even notice or if my triumph of making my way back would just be mine and mine alone. Something I'd cling to when things get hard and I'd remind myself of that time I was lost and found my way back. But I didn't find that feeling today.
And I realized I now keep the volume on an even number at all times, I guess you rubbed off on me. My fantasy of running away is still in tact and getting stronger everyday. I just want to keep driving and never stop.

Run away,
Like the clouds move across the sky
and I'll follow them until we both dissolve.

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...