do you remember how it used to be, we'd turn out the lights and didn't just sleep

So I'm just sitting in my room listening to a playlist on 8 Tracks called "From Bitter to Better" and trying to figure out when exactly I became so old. I became acutely aware of it today while wandering around Butlerville Days with my friends and looking at all the high school kids and thinking "God, did I really look that clueless and awkward at 16?" And I realized that yes in fact I did, and I probably looked worse... this was me at 16

If you don't think that's bad enough check this out

I had no boobs hahaha

I'm also super weirded out that I have so many pictures of me from high school where I'm taking dumb mirror shots. I forgot this was when Myspace was still popular. Maybe I'll post more if you're lucky ;) 

But I digress

I'm 20 years old. And when I got home from my night I sat down next to mom and watched Doug on the 90's Are All That and seriously I felt so old. I have just had a strange night I guess. I'm not even sure how to word how I feel right now, I just feel really weird. I guess I reflected back on high school and graduation and I thought of my life then and I never imagined I'd end up this way. When I graduated high school I thought I was going to Utah State. I thought I'd go there for four years and become a psychologist which meant going somewhere else for grad school and now I'm on a completely different path. My best friends then are now total strangers to me that I've barely talked to in the past year. Some people that I was acquaintances with or enemies with even are some of my closest friends now. I suppose vice versa has happened as well, I've lost some close friends too. People have been engaged, married, and having kids that I never expected would settle down so fast. It's all just mind blowing I guess.

I don't really know what the point of this was but it's nice to throw my thoughts out there sometimes. I think I'm always contemplative and thinking about how different my 24th of July always is every year. Last year I was at a Real game with my boyfriend Truong and Ed and Diana. Truong and I went out to lunch at Market Street and then we swam in Chelsea's pool with Ed before the game and I didn't have a swimsuit so I swam in my underwear haha. She was on vacation and her cousin was over and he came outside and scared the hell out of us. Truong was pretending to be a koala and clinging to me and said I was a eucalyptus tree. It's weird the things you remember. Haha. The year before I barely remember. Jane wasn't my friend anymore and I think I stayed home and sulked about it. The year before that Jane and I went to Butlerville Days together and watched the fireworks in our friend Brad's backyard. I don't know why I'm telling you guys all of this I'm just feeling reflective. My heart is big. I remember things down to the very last details and it's hard for me to let go I guess. It's hard for me to believe that people I loved so dearly could stop loving me back but it seems to be a trend in my life. People move on, but I never seem to.

may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows...

It's funny how a song can bring you back to a moment so quickly. One minute you can be driving home on a warmish night and a song comes on and you're instantly transported back to another time, which is what happened to me tonight. I was driving home and looking over the Salt Lake valley and I heard this song come on and a smile spread across my face as last summer all came back to me. Driving on the freeway at one in the morning blasting this song. Laughing at our inside jokes...breaking into Chelsea's house when she was on vacation. It all seemed so surreal and I realized how much of my life I will never experience again. Memories that are just that, memories. It wasn't really a sad realization either. It was just that a realization. We're not the people we were last summer. This song is the same but we're very different now and holding your hand driving through the canyon to our special spot will never happen again and I am perfectly okay with that. You went your way and I went mine and it seems so strange that two people who used to be so intertwined and so convinced they could last forever could now be strangers and act as if we hadn't been those people we were last summer. It kind of scares me a little bit. The way things are now could be completely different in a year and I expect them to be. It makes me wonder who will be a stranger next year and who will still be beside me and if I could do anything to stop them from leaving or if they'll be gone because they chose to or had to be. It's all very strange when you actually think about it. And all the people you have yet to meet or had no idea you'd ever be hanging out with in the future. It's all very weird and life seems crazy sometimes but I guess that's the only thing in life you can count on...change.

i've learned to live half alive...

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore
You lost the love I loved the most

I learned to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And learn to live half alive
And now you want me one more time

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are
Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are
Running 'round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

love never dies a natural death; love only dies when you kill it.

So if you guys haven’t noticed I’m not very good at this blogging thing. I try to make it appeal to wider audiences but that’s really not my writing style. I think I’m finally going to just abandon that completely and if none of you ever comment on this again as a result, so be it.

Break-ups are hard. That’s a pretty obvious statement but really. They’re also very strange. One morning you wake up, and you pour yourself a bowl of cereal like every morning. The same Froot Loops you’ve been eating for the past week when you were in a relationship but now you’re single. Technically they taste the same. But for me, even after months of separation they taste different.

i never got a chance to tell you, but i really was falling in love

Well, shit.

twelve.

Day Twelve: We want to see your teeth today/post a self portrait

Uh, I didn't really know how to take this one. I think they're trying to be cute by making you smile all big in a portrait by yourself buuuuut they could also be literal. Ha, I decided to take the former approach instead of putting up some random picture of my mouth.

This picture isn't actually recent but it's the last picture I took with my best friend Scott before he left for his mission in August so here it is. Also, it's kinda blurry and I look bad but I four-fourths don't care :)

In other news, I registered for next semester today.

Math 1010 (finally, don't judge ha), French 1020, English 2600 & 3600. Wooo.

English 2600 is supposed to be online too so that'll be an adventure.

Ha, this is all going by so fast. Life...such a crazy thing.