moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

don't bring me down with you.

They say people get used to beauty. But I don't think I ever got used to yours. And I remember me sitting on your bed an hour before and watching you pack and thinking how beautiful you are to me.
The way your brown hair slightly curls in all the right spots and your pale blue eyes and I kept wondering how I could be so lucky. And it's weird to think about now. All of it really.

I need to write more. I'm the worst writer ever, how long can you consider yourself a writer if you don't write anything at all? Although, that's not entirely true. I'm writing a 6 page paper right now for school but it's not something that's for my soul. I need to write things for my soul. My sister told me the other day that I talk like a writer. And I don't think I've ever been given a more beautiful compliment in my life. I've missed it. Remember when I used to blog weekly? I need to get back to that. And this summer I'm going to write. I have to. What kind of writer am I if I don't? I need to get back to writing my paper but I just thought I would say something here so my readers don't forget about me. Even though I think there's only about 2 of you nowadays.

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge

The rules for this tag game:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a picture of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them. 

Randomness


1. I should be writing a paper right now.


2. I have a ridiculous number of Draw Something games going on right now and I never seem to be able to catch up on them.


3. I just got a job at a new boutique at Fashion Place mall. It's called Francesca's Collections.


4. I'm craving coffee. Might have to take a study break to procure some. 


5. I have 7 different iPhone cases...it's a bit of an obsession.


6. I have 434 followers on Twitter so I'm a relatively small deal.


7. I am going to California on Wednesday.


8. Every time I think about blogging it's usually because I'm either avoiding something or need to vent. Neither one of those things are very good for maintaining followers but it's therapeutic so you'll have to deal.


9. I'm home alone! And breaking all the rules. Well just a few.


10. I want to fix things with a certain person and I'm starting to worry the only way I'll be able to do that is giving him a taste of his own medicine.


11. My best friend moon walked into a freezer the other day at the grocery store and it still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.




Jill's Questions
1. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
That changes on a daily basis. Right now I think just plain chocolate sounds delightful.

2. If you could live anywhere for 10 years, where would you live?
London, of course.


3. What would have as a pet if it could be anything?
I legit want a fox as a pet, they actually can be domesticated too.

4. Favorite movie?
The Holiday, duh.

5. Paper or plastic?
Paper. I am a writer, after all ;)


6. What is an invention that you want to invent?
I'd appreciate if any kind of food could just appear at the touch of a button. Like in the Capitol in Hunger Games.


7. What is your favorite kind of weather?
Pretty much like today actually. Mild weather with a bit of sun. I love rain too though.


8. I'm copying this, but guilty pleasure?
Taylor Swift and Gossip Girl.

9. What are you most excited for during 2012?
Summer.10. If you could have any career in life, what would it be?
Traveling writer. Or something.

11. If you could redo one thing from the past five years, what would it be? 
I don't play that game anymore.


11 New Questions.


I don't really know anyone to tag so I'll just make 11 new questions for whoever reads this and wants to play. If you do though, leave me a comment so I can read your answers!


1. Would you ever audition for a reality show? Which one?


2. What literary character do you most wish was real?


3. How do you feel about gay marriage?


4. Do you like cats?


5. Do you believe in fate?


6.  Favorite Disney movie as a kid?


7. Do you believe in an afterlife?


8. Would you rather wake up early or sleep in late?


9. Are you single or in a relationship?


10. If you could be another race, what would you choose?


11. Do you have any strange eating habits? 

let's skip the charades.

I feel like I should write something here but I don't know what. It's been a pretty boring Sunday night and I am done with all my homework that I need to get done immediately so here I am. My iPhone has a broken lock button so I might have to get it replaced tomorrow so I've been backing up stuff and in my notes I have some blog ideas/writing that has popped into my head when I haven't been able to write it down. Here's one of those quotes:

I was never a girl that sat on the sidelines of love. I jumped right in, guns ablaze. I won't say it hasn't hurt me or broken my heart sometimes seemingly beyond repair but at least I know what love is. And that is; something worth fighting for.

I am not sure when I wrote that now. Within the past few months I guess but it's still completely true. And I hope that everyone who reads my blog knows that too. Love is always worth the pain you go through to get it. I have never regretted falling for anyone or the memories I have shared with them. So don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Tell someone how you feel. Make the first move. Do something. You never know if maybe they're hoping you will.

it's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I always think of the best blog posts to write while I'm driving. Or in the shower. You know, the moments where there's no possible way to jot down your thoughts to revisit later. But I guess that's the way life is. It's fleeting, it's passing us by all the time. And it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

Lately there's been a lot of songs that have been able to convey my feelings better than I have lately. I guess that's one of the hazards of being a writer. Sometimes you can't find the words, or they've already been written for you. I don't like to think of myself as an "aspiring writer" like many people my age or even older that are trying to establish themselves. No. I'm just a writer. Whether I aspire to be published, downloaded, printed, whatever doesn't matter really. I am writer. It's what I do and it's also who I am. I may aspire to be a better writer but that's about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure where that came from. I didn't really have a specific topic in mind when I started this either, just that I'm on the computer and thought I'd throw a few lines down. I've been thinking about last year a lot lately. It's good and bad. It's crazy to think of how different my life was only 12 months ago as opposed to now. I've grown a lot and I never think I can grow more but then something happens and you have to. It's strange, it makes me wonder where I'll be in another 12 months. Like I said it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

[I know it's from the new Footloose movie but I promise it's good]

"I cannot forget that I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

I said I didn't want to do this.

Remember 2011. But on New Year's Eve it seems almost inevitable so I will try to keep it short and sweet and possibly just sum it up with this quote from One Tree Hill

"This year I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for, but in a way, I lost even more."


It's true. I had everything this year, more than I ever could have anticipated. And I lost all of it and possibly even more. And although at the end of most trials people look back and are grateful because they learned a lot about themselves and they don't take things for granted anymore or something, I don't know if that's true for me. And maybe it's not true for anyone. We all just say these things because looking back on the past actually breaks our hearts but we know we can't do anything to fix it. We can't change the past. The way we acted and reacted to things that changed our lives is over; we have to keep moving. 
So maybe that's just what we tell ourselves to ease the pain of what we've lost or things that have changed. We tell ourselves it's okay, I'm better now for it. I've grown. 


But I don't know if I really have. Do any of us? I mean really, do we ever really change? I'd like to say yes and maybe we can. And not to quote One Tree Hill again but I think I have to 
"...at the end of the day, you are who you are. And at the end of the day, it's probably who you've always been."
I think the only way we really change is we become more of who we really are. I don't think you can dramatically change your personality. People get hurt and have to adapt and change all the time, but really deep down you're just becoming more of who you are. I mean, I know it's possible and there are exceptions to the rule but I think this is the rule. Who you are is who you've always been.

In other news...

I made the Dean's list this semester so I guess having a broken heart was good for something.

I still haven't given up yet.

the ones that love you will never stop.

I've been really busy with school stuff lately so I haven't had time to update, what with the semester winding down and what not. I did want to say this though. My adolescent literature class has been one of my favorite classes in my college career thus far. I thought it would be amazing to read books for teens and not really do a lot of work which is mainly true, but we were all required to teach one of the books to the class. The book my group was assigned was The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian by Sherman Alexie. It's a great book if you haven't read it or heard of it like I hadn't. I mainly just wanted to post some quotes from it because I loved it. I also decided Sherman Alexie might be one of my favorite writers. His poetry is great too and he's hilarious which is a nice bonus. I follow him on Twitter and if that's your thing then I'd recommend following him.  


"There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away."

"I ran away from there as fast as I could. I wanted to run faster than the speed of sound, but nobody, no matter how much pain they're in, can run that fast."

"I think the world is a series of broken dams and floods, and my cartoons are tiny little lifeboats."

“I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,” I said. “By black and white. By Indian and white. But I know that isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes: The people who are assholes and the people who are not”.

“If you care about something enough, it’s going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear. Get mad. Arnold, get mad.”

“I didn't know what to say to her. What do you say to people when they ask how it feels to lose everything? When every planet in your solar system has exploded?” 

“Grief is when you feel so helpless and stupid that you think nothing will ever be right again, and your macaroni and cheese tastes like sawdust, and you can't even jerk off because it seems like too much trouble.” 

“You have to love somebody that much to also hate them that much, too."

there are 7 billion people in the world. sometimes all you need is one.

I cannot go to the ocean,

I cannot drive the streets at night,

I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind.

But so you're gone and I'm haunted,

and I'll bet you are just fine.

Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out...

of my life?

-A Fine Frenzy "Almost Lover"

i would be sad for all the love i've had before.

Just a little bit in love with this song right now. Extremely. The Avett Brothers make me sad but in such a great way. I'll write something later.

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad because the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
Although I know it’s not something that you were asking me to do
And I know we are young but we won’t always be, so marry me
Let’s not be that predictable young couple changing moving on
But I can tell by watching you that there’s no chance of pushing through
The odds are so against us you know most young love it ends like this

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
You know me I’ve always been the kind with easy confidence
Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there
Is stopping me especially not someone who’s not loving me
Now listen here I told you I could live on without loving you
I was bluffing then but it seems that just might have been the truth
Well my dad told me one-day son this girl will think of what she’s done
And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come
And he said if she doesn’t call than it’s her fault and it’s her loss
I say it’s not that simple see but then again it just may be

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad for the lies that you had told me
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I had before
I would be sad for all the love I had before

‎"Day after day...give me clouds, and rain, and gray. Give me pain, if that's what's real. It's the price we pay to feel."

I saw the most amazing play last night. It's called "Next to Normal". I hadn't really heard of it before but my parents saw it last week and my professor in one of my classes was talking about it so I went on closing night and I can't remember the last time I loved a play so much. I keep thinking about it today. I'm sad it's not on Broadway anymore. The link explains what the play is about but really if you ever get a chance I'd highly recommend it. It's an interesting viewpoint of someone with a mental illness as well as addressing suicide and prescription drug problems.

Anyway it reminded me of this quote:

I think mental illness or madness can be an escape also. People don't develop a mental illness because they are in the happiest of situations usually. One doctor observed that it was rare when people were rich to become schizophrenic. If they were poor or didn't have too much money, then it was more likely. And this is natural, if things are very good, you can find satisfaction with the world as it is, as it seems to be. If things are not so good, you may be one to imagine something better.

I'm not gonna pretend I have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or any disorder that might have hallucinations or what not but as someone who does have depression and anxiety I really appreciated the fact that they said mental illnesses are like any other kind of physical illness if it goes untreated you could die. I have a lot of friends with depression and I know they're struggling and it makes me sad and worried about them. It's easy to say that life is hard and that it'll get better on it's own but sometimes that isn't always the case. Sometimes you need extra help, and I just want everyone to know that getting help isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. 

Anyway I don't know where that all came from but I think that's all for tonight.

tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

It's weird how slowly time goes by when you're waiting for a text message. And it kinda scares me how easy it is to slip back into old habits. And I'm kind of at the point where I stop feeling anything again. I always think I'll like that part but I never seem to. Sometimes I'd rather just be angry. Anger is easy. It blocks out pain too. You feel invincible and that whatever is bringing you down is insignificant, that you can handle it. But numbness, now that's something different altogether. You start crying and you don't know why. You just are crying. And the make up is stinging your eyes but you don't dare stop because who knows what else might happen after that. Who knows what else might try to seep out of you. And what else might be seeping in.
Hello depression, my old friend...as if I'm greeting an old classmate from school or something. Depression is definitely my enemy. It sits in the shadows of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness. I'll give it credit for that though, it has never truly left me alone. It's always waiting for it's time to shine...or darken I suppose. And I guess it found me again.

I think I've been pretty open that I have depression and if you didn't know that about me now you know. And it is something I have carried around with me for about 8 years. I've been trying my hardest to fight it but it's not working anymore. It's effecting my family and relationships. I just feel so alone and others would probably say I'm just desperate for attention and I guess that's true. Everyone has kind of abandoned me and no one knows how much help I need. I am hopefully starting therapy again soon and I'm scared but I want to get better and I owe it to all of you to do so so I can be a good friend to you again.

So please just bear with me for awhile. I'm trying as hard as I can even though it may not seem like it :/


Thanks. I love you all.

pick me-up #8

New school year tomorrow. Bring it.

we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I don't feel like writing. So this is for you. I think it sums up some of my emotions over the past week.

stolen from jill.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to 10 Different People (but don't say their name):
1. I wish I could do more to help you. You've been such a good friend to me and you don't deserve all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life.
2. I think you're an idiot. I wish you never pushed me away. I feel like the only person in the world who wants to help you and you're denying yourself of it. You've brought this upon yourself. I still love you though, despite everything. I wish I knew you still cared. I wish you'd talk to me. You broke your promise. You ended up just like him.
3. I miss you. You were my best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I've really needed you these past few weeks but I've been too afraid to reach out. I'm too afraid that you'll leave me again.
4. I really wish you weren't doing this. I know you think it'll make you happy, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me.
5. I meant it when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been there with me through so much and I think we've always had a special bond...I guess you knew that too. I'm still shocked about everything but the fact that it's you makes it a lot less scary.
6. I know you worry about me, but I promise I'm going to be fine. I'm still the same girl you always knew, now I just get to be honest.
7. I'm so glad we're friends. You make me laugh like no other and we've gotten really close really quickly. I know you feel the same way about me and it's fantastic. I think we'll be friends for a long time. If we can get through all this we can get through anything.
8. You annoy the living hell out of me.
9. I hate your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up together, please you're so much better than that.
10. I probably take our friendship for granted a lot but you've always been there for me. More so than anyone else, even when I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or because I can't sleep. Thanks for being so sweet.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I am left handed.
2. I'm lactose intolerant but believe ice cream is always worth the pain.
3. Taurus and proud.
4. I would love to run away and not tell a soul.
5. I want to be a cat that lives in a bookstore in my next life.
6. I've kissed eleven people.
7. I could eat Thai, Indian, and sushi for every meal and be extremely happy.
8. London is my favorite city.
9. I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Honesty.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Endless conversations.
4. Proving that you'll stick around.
5. Going on fun/spontaneous/random/awesome adventures.
6. The little things (ie holding my hand, i love yous, compliments)
7. Letting me meet your family and friends. It means a lot.
8. Not giving up on me when I'm stubborn.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. You.
2. Money.
3. Traveling.
4. My family and friends.
5. Naps.
6. How much I want another dog.
7. Song lyrics.

Six Things I Do Before Falling Asleep
1. Put pajamas on.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Take make up off.
4. Check facebook and twitter.
5. Text.
6. Think about stuff and hope that I can fall asleep that night.

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Katy
2. My parents.
3. The rest of my family.
4. My Georgey Shore family
5. My other amazing friends.

Four Things I'm Wearing:
1. Pink and white striped shirt I got for my birthday.
2. Jean shorts.
3. Silver bow earrings.
4. Socks.

Three Songs I Listen to Often (this summer):
1. Fools Like Me - Vanessa Carlton
2. She (For Liz) - Parachute
3. Wayy too many Taylor Swift songs

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. See the Northern Lights while in a hot tub.
2. Live on the coast of Maine

One Confession:
1. 

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

post secret.

I cried for 2 hours after breaking our relationship on facebook. I guess that's not a secret anymore.

he's just not that into me

Don't be flattered that he misses you.  He  should miss you.  You're deeply missable.  However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you.  Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.  I understand.  What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone?  It's validating.  It's exciting.  It's irresistible.  But resist you must.

Cut your losses and don't waste your time .  Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it?  Fine.  Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby.  He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is.  If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!"  But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that.  I miss him.  I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.  If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.  Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.  Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

God this book is so true. I seriously feel like someone wrote it just for me sometimes. I think this is like my 4th time reading it too and it hurts and it's hard to read sometimes because you really are convinced that this person really loved you, but I guess he didn't.

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...