somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

this will blow over in time.

It's weird how a song can bring you back to a moment. I've talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Because right now I'm in your car. And we're driving around. Doing something stupid, like buying a lava lamp on a gray afternoon in May. Your hand is out the window, and this song comes on so you turn it up. It's one of your top 3 favorite bands ever. Just one of those stupid things that I still remember after all this time...but I digress. And now I'm listening to it here. Six months later. In my room while writing a final paper for a class that was the furthest thing from my mind.
And the truth is, I don't miss you at all. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I will always be in love with that boy who gave me a glimpse of his heart, which is more than most can say I assure you. But we are different people than we were merely six months ago. We have both changed and been altered by each other I'd like to think. In fact, I'd even be so bold to say we are strangers.

I don't know you anymore and you sure as hell don't know me. 

sometimes i write poetry...

City of Sin

The bright neon lights of the city

contrast to the black desert sky,

Light and dark,

that’s you and I.

You took a long drag from your ten dollar cigar

feeling invincible but looking so out of place.

Hand in hand underage kids

drunk off love.

Singing our duet for everyone to hear,

but now it’s too

entwined with you

to ever sing on my own.

It will always be you and me

stumbling arm in arm

both weak and not dependent

to make each other strong.

i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

Oh hi. Yeah I still suck at blogging.

Here's some things I love lately:

Astrology

So I've always been intrigued by astrology but my bff Josh White has gotten me more into it (as well as most of my friends). It's hilarious, we have these deep cons about how our signs are the best and how we interact with each other. They may not be worth basing your whole life off of or anything but they're pretty interesting and can seem surprisingly accurate at times.

Dear Photograph

I don't know if you guys have heard of this website but I recently found it and I think it's sooo cool/cute/awesome. Basically you take a picture of yourself holding a picture. If that doesn't make any sense then you should check it out and see for yourself haha.

Listening to songs with amazing lyrics that I used to love

Yeah this one is weirdly specific but I recently started listening to some old bands that I used to be obsessed with back in middle school and their lyrics are still amazing. I will always love Brand New, Something Corporate, and Bright Eyes. Also Panic! At the Disco's first album is pretty great to blast in your car when you're feeling a little angry hahaha.

Bingo

Nuff said. Also I'm totes doing that college bingo when school starts. Ha.

Love Culture

I was looking for new places to buy cute clothes for school and happened upon this website! I had never heard of it before but it's super cute and they have a store opening at City Creek in 2012! Yay. I bought the cardigan above and also another striped cardigan. I'm a sucker for them what can I say?

Cheers.

you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.

Well hello there blog readers. I don't really know if any of you are out there anymore but I hope you enjoyed all my little pictures from my last post. Probably not because no one commented haha. I feel like I should actually write something but I'm scared of what might spill out if I start letting it. I'm trying really hard to get past things. I really am. I'm using unconventional methods...at least for me. School starts in a week though so I guess I'll have to focus myself on my studies instead of partying which will be better for me mentally and physically ha. I'm taking creative writing and I am so excited, maybe I can actually start writing something meaningful again. It's been too long. Loss is always good for writing too so maybe this will be a good semester. Here's to hoping. I'll try to write more later I'm really tired. Last night was a little crazy...here's some words of wisdom from an 8 year old to tide you over...ha

we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I don't feel like writing. So this is for you. I think it sums up some of my emotions over the past week.

i love when jersey shore comes back...

Because then this happens:

Also this happens:

and this

Sorry I have sucked at updating lately...I've been super busy. I'd tell you the details but yeah not really blog worthy. Anyway I'm off to see a movie with my two cute Leo boys, I'll give you a better update later I promise.

Ciao bitches.

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

do you remember how it used to be, we'd turn out the lights and didn't just sleep

So I'm just sitting in my room listening to a playlist on 8 Tracks called "From Bitter to Better" and trying to figure out when exactly I became so old. I became acutely aware of it today while wandering around Butlerville Days with my friends and looking at all the high school kids and thinking "God, did I really look that clueless and awkward at 16?" And I realized that yes in fact I did, and I probably looked worse... this was me at 16

If you don't think that's bad enough check this out

I had no boobs hahaha

I'm also super weirded out that I have so many pictures of me from high school where I'm taking dumb mirror shots. I forgot this was when Myspace was still popular. Maybe I'll post more if you're lucky ;) 

But I digress

I'm 20 years old. And when I got home from my night I sat down next to mom and watched Doug on the 90's Are All That and seriously I felt so old. I have just had a strange night I guess. I'm not even sure how to word how I feel right now, I just feel really weird. I guess I reflected back on high school and graduation and I thought of my life then and I never imagined I'd end up this way. When I graduated high school I thought I was going to Utah State. I thought I'd go there for four years and become a psychologist which meant going somewhere else for grad school and now I'm on a completely different path. My best friends then are now total strangers to me that I've barely talked to in the past year. Some people that I was acquaintances with or enemies with even are some of my closest friends now. I suppose vice versa has happened as well, I've lost some close friends too. People have been engaged, married, and having kids that I never expected would settle down so fast. It's all just mind blowing I guess.

I don't really know what the point of this was but it's nice to throw my thoughts out there sometimes. I think I'm always contemplative and thinking about how different my 24th of July always is every year. Last year I was at a Real game with my boyfriend Truong and Ed and Diana. Truong and I went out to lunch at Market Street and then we swam in Chelsea's pool with Ed before the game and I didn't have a swimsuit so I swam in my underwear haha. She was on vacation and her cousin was over and he came outside and scared the hell out of us. Truong was pretending to be a koala and clinging to me and said I was a eucalyptus tree. It's weird the things you remember. Haha. The year before I barely remember. Jane wasn't my friend anymore and I think I stayed home and sulked about it. The year before that Jane and I went to Butlerville Days together and watched the fireworks in our friend Brad's backyard. I don't know why I'm telling you guys all of this I'm just feeling reflective. My heart is big. I remember things down to the very last details and it's hard for me to let go I guess. It's hard for me to believe that people I loved so dearly could stop loving me back but it seems to be a trend in my life. People move on, but I never seem to.

i feel so far from where i've been.

Sorry I haven't actually written something in awhile. I've been struggling, I'm not going to lie. But I've been trying to keep busy. I must admit I've been a little reckless and have wanted to runaway more than actually stay here and face my problems but I am still here after all right? I've felt a lot weaker lately than I've ever felt in my life. I've always kind of known I was stronger than the average person but I haven't felt that way lately. I honestly feel really lost in my life right now. I don't know what my future holds at all. I don't know what I want to do with myself as a career or anything like that. I think for the most part all I've figured out in my first couple years of college are all the things I don't want. I guess that's slightly helpful but it'd be nice to actually have goals or ideas of where I want to be going instead of stumbling around in the dark which is what I feel like I'm doing in my personal life. I guess I'll just be straight forward and say that my boyfriend and I broke up about 2 weeks ago now and I don't even know what to say about it. I just thought I'd tell my readers who I don't talk to very often anymore and keep them updated. It happened because of odd circumstances that I won't go into here but it's been hard for me as all break ups are, I just don't know how to handle it at all. And I keep going back and forth between all these feelings I have and I just don't know what to do. I worry about him and I still love him but he's pushing me away and I have to accept that and sit around and wait. Things that I'm really really not good at at all.

In other news school is starting in less than a month and I am torn between feelings of yay distractions and ugh no more summer. I'm really bad at this thing called life. Someone help me?

don't forget me i beg, i remember you said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

If I could possibly write something right now I would.

No I'm not really okay, thanks for asking. But if you see me you'll have no idea.

i love you more than i should, so much more than is good for me...

Just another Sunday afternoon spent driving around instead of church. I'm stuck behind some woman who thinks her grandkids are cuter than mine and doing everything in my power to stop thinking. I look up and suddenly I'm at 33rd South. It bothers me that no matter how hard I try I can't get lost in this city. I guess living here for 20 years makes that tough. I am craving that feeling though. The feeling of being lost. All alone. The rush of wondering when I'll make it back, if anyone would even notice or if my triumph of making my way back would just be mine and mine alone. Something I'd cling to when things get hard and I'd remind myself of that time I was lost and found my way back. But I didn't find that feeling today.
And I realized I now keep the volume on an even number at all times, I guess you rubbed off on me. My fantasy of running away is still in tact and getting stronger everyday. I just want to keep driving and never stop.

Run away,
Like the clouds move across the sky
and I'll follow them until we both dissolve.

he's just not that into me

Don't be flattered that he misses you.  He  should miss you.  You're deeply missable.  However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you.  Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.  I understand.  What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone?  It's validating.  It's exciting.  It's irresistible.  But resist you must.

Cut your losses and don't waste your time .  Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it?  Fine.  Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby.  He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is.  If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!"  But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that.  I miss him.  I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.  If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.  Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.  Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

God this book is so true. I seriously feel like someone wrote it just for me sometimes. I think this is like my 4th time reading it too and it hurts and it's hard to read sometimes because you really are convinced that this person really loved you, but I guess he didn't.

i won't rescue you to just desert me.

reunited.

I've been sitting here staring at this blank page trying my hardest to figure out a way to start this entry. I think I just have to dive in. I guess after awhile of missing someone you start to get used to that feeling that something is missing until you see them again. Especially when it's someone who used to be such a big part of your life. I had coffee with my former best friend Jane yesterday and I still kind of can't believe it. I don't really know what more to say about it except that it's weird how there's some people that I think you never really lose a connection with. It was a little bit awkward at first and we've both changed a bit but we still have a bond and I could tell she still really cares about me. Hopefully we'll be able to rekindle our friendship even more over the next couple months while she's home.

We also got mistaken for these two like old times. Ha!

when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

The soap here smells like Froot Loops, it's a little bit off-putting when you're in the shower. Luckily for me, my thoughts tend to be so scattered and random at all times anyway so it doesn't phase me for long. I've had a lot of different thoughts running through my mind lately though. I suppose it's natural after losing someone but I've been thinking about death a lot. My grandpa died about a week and a half ago and I guess that just makes you feel a lot more mortal. I suppose it's funny how things work out because the job I got recently fell through and I was able to drive out to California with my parents and sister to go to his funeral. I'm really glad I had that opportunity because I got to learn a lot more about my grandpa than I knew. He was such a great and inspiring man and I am so grateful to be related to someone so incredible. Military funerals are amazing by the way, and I'm so thankful to those who have served our country.
So I guess I've lost a lot these past couple weeks, but in the end I think I've learned lessons from each thing and I know it will all work out in the end. Here's hoping I land a new job soon and don't have to attend any more funerals for a very long time.

hi, i suck at blogging...

sorry.

Really though...I am sorry I haven't been updating this as regularly as you have all grown accustomed to. Although, that being said, I had 3 comments on my last entry because I wasn't updating as much so HA! I beat the system...or something...

Well let's do a quick life update from when we last spoke shall we? Okay here we go. Patrick came home from Greece! Yay! It was a joyous reunion. We spent a lot of time together and he gave me presents! But him being back was the best present of all. (end sappiness).

I also got a job! Finally! After a year of searching my lovely pal Rachel hooked me up with a receptionist job at a salon. She also works there too but sadly we won't ever work together because they only need one receptionist at a time. But it's all good! So most of my week was basically me training and trying to figure it all out. I sound like an idiot but it actually is kinda difficult at once and my anxiety kinda kicks in and I really don't wanna mess up anyone's schedules! But I'll get the hang of it I'm sure...

So that brings us to this weekend. I have been in sunny St George/Las Vegas since Thursday and it has been well...great and boring. Vegas was really fun because we got a lot of shopping done and ate delicious food and what not but St George has been super boring. I got some sun by the pool yesterday and I guess I missed a lot of spots with sunblock because I'm pretty burned. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Like my left foot is burned and a little patch before my hairline. I look like a fool. Umm...yeah other than that it's been super boring down here and I've just been missing my friends a lot. Especially because the last time I was in St George they were all with me and by comparison it has not been even close to the same!

Anyway, sorry this was kinda a boring life update blog. I'll try to be more artsy and thoughtful at some point but now is not the time. Love you all.

sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

Oh man. I do love Adele. I feel like you guys should all know that by now, but I digress.

Um, this has been the longest week of my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I feel like it's been month in one week. I keep saying that I've been so bored but I actually have been doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of my favorite people. I just keep looking for distractions I suppose and there just aren't enough distractions to keep me from missing him. Luckily for me Patrick is finally coming home tomorrow night! I'm sooo excited. I probably won't be able to see him til Sunday though so it's basically like another full day so meh. In other news, apparently the world is ending on Saturday so if that happens I'll never see him again. So my anxiety is kicking in. Nah, not really. There's no way the world is ending on Saturday. Crazy people. Seriously who comes up with this crap? Anyway you should all go see Bridesmaids cuz I saw it last night with my best friend Max and it was sooo funny. Seriously Kristen Wiig is hiiiilarious. No joke. Sorry I'm not really saying anything super interesting right now but like I said I've been effing bored this whole week and I really miss my best friend. Facebook messaging him twice a day is NOT enough. I text this kid 24/7 when he's home and I'm with him everyday. This has been insane for me haha. Yeah I probably sound like a drug addict but I'm just young and in love. That's all it is. Oh in other other news, I'm obsessed with my new iPhone. Except I really don't know how to use it to it's full capacity haha, it's smarter than me nbd. It's also white so that's cool. Haha.

Love you alllll. Leave me a comment for once in your freakin lives. You never know, the world might be ending it might be your last chance! ;)

it seems farther than ever before

Quote of the week: updated.

I can't wait til I can stop missing you :)

i need you so much closer.

So my birthday was yesterday and stuff and it was great but these past two days have been dragging on forever. It probably has something to do with the fact that I only got 5 hours of sleep last night or something but it mostly has to do with the fact that like my picture says, time goes by slower when you miss the one you love. I am pathetically listening to "Halfway Around the World" by A*Teens on repeat at the moment. I know, you all should probably unfollow me right now. How embarrassing.

It's also been weird to me thinking about how easily one can fall into old habits. It's weird how a time of year, a room, a smell, can take you back to a memory. I'm trying to avoid it and probably will I'm just slightly vulnerable at the moment.

I don't even know why I write here anymore haha. Whatever.