Sunday, January 29, 2012

"if you really need him fate won't let you lose him, fate will bring him back, it may not be soon, but he will come back."

A lot of my life has been built up on my belief in the idea of fate. It has been one of those things that has gotten me through countless challenges in my life. Just the idea that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be has always been a comfort to me but lately I've been wondering if it is actually true. I guess I've just been wanting fate to prove itself to me. I need that reassurance that I am in the right place, with the right people, and the right person will find me. That last one is the biggest for me. I know I am young and not really ready to be married but living in the place I do, in the culture that surrounds me I start to wonder why I am not in that place yet. And then I get worried I won't ever be in that place. Perhaps it's my anxiety disorder that mucks everything up in my mind but I do get scared. I know that God has a plan for me or what not but I don't know if things can go wrong or get messed up. Do we always end up where we're supposed to? I've always had to believe that for myself. Just for peace of mind and being able to get out of bed in the morning otherwise the things I have lost would probably kill me. I wouldn't say that I am lost exactly I just feel like so much of my life has changed that I'd like to know that it's all supposed to have happened. That all of these losses I've experienced haven't been for nothing and having my heart ripped to pieces wasn't pointless. I'd like to know that you were supposed to have hurt me this way to make us both grow as people and if we are meant to be together our paths will cross again. But I don't have that assurance and I guess no one really does.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I know no one reads this anymore and I know all anyone will tell me is just to trust in God or something. I guess I'm hoping that fate will make you read this and maybe you'll know what I'm trying to say. But it may or may not and I guess that is fate's prerogative. But truthfully you always show up at the worst of times. I catch a glimpse of you when I am the least prepared and it scares me and my blood pulses and I feel like I've just been kicked in the stomach or something. It's like I have to be reminded that I am not supposed to forget about you or the effect you have on me.

This is just venting I suppose anyway. The truth is no one knows. Not even you.

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