Saturday, December 31, 2011

"I cannot forget that I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

I said I didn't want to do this.

Remember 2011. But on New Year's Eve it seems almost inevitable so I will try to keep it short and sweet and possibly just sum it up with this quote from One Tree Hill

"This year I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for, but in a way, I lost even more."

It's true. I had everything this year, more than I ever could have anticipated. And I lost all of it and possibly even more. And although at the end of most trials people look back and are grateful because they learned a lot about themselves and they don't take things for granted anymore or something, I don't know if that's true for me. And maybe it's not true for anyone. We all just say these things because looking back on the past actually breaks our hearts but we know we can't do anything to fix it. We can't change the past. The way we acted and reacted to things that changed our lives is over; we have to keep moving. 
So maybe that's just what we tell ourselves to ease the pain of what we've lost or things that have changed. We tell ourselves it's okay, I'm better now for it. I've grown. 

But I don't know if I really have. Do any of us? I mean really, do we ever really change? I'd like to say yes and maybe we can. And not to quote One Tree Hill again but I think I have to 
" the end of the day, you are who you are. And at the end of the day, it's probably who you've always been."
I think the only way we really change is we become more of who we really are. I don't think you can dramatically change your personality. People get hurt and have to adapt and change all the time, but really deep down you're just becoming more of who you are. I mean, I know it's possible and there are exceptions to the rule but I think this is the rule. Who you are is who you've always been.

In other news...
I made the Dean's list this semester so I guess having a broken heart was good for something.

I still haven't given up yet.

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