Wednesday, November 13, 2013

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

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