Tuesday, August 2, 2011

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

1 comment:

  1. I think you are awesome for standing up for yourself and doing what is best for you! You're awesome! :)