moving...

Unfortunately I'm not physically moving (yet) but I am moving virtually. I started a blog on WordPress (if anyone still reads this and wants to know where I am).

The link is: sammermaid.wordpress.com

Come visit. I still might resurrect this guy at some point if I feel so inclined. Will keep you posted.

Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

a story without an ending

Friends, Hold the Benefits

An agreement we both made,

late at night

when the inhibitions are low

and the lights are too.

Our midnight conversations

and the playful flirtation

gave way to this confession,
You kept me up all night.

I didn’t want you to slip away,

I grasped at anything I could,

the attraction was exhilarating

and you infuriated me.

The looks we exchanged,

the secret smiles we shared,

knowing our contract was sealed

and waiting to be signed.

But it never came to fruition,

and I felt you withdraw,

waiting for the benefits to kick in,

but they never did.

The premium was too high,

perhaps

Or maybe I was just too much of

a

liability.

A Pirate and his Rum

A pirate and his rum,

a codependent bond.

Because what good is rum

if it will not be drunk?

And what good are your lips,

if they will not move

and form the words to free

me from this uncertainty.

A mermaid and her penchant,

for things she can’t have.

Legs to walk on land,

or to attract the pirate man.

And what could be more fitting,

than a pirate and a mermaid,

to intertwine, and intertwine their

love of the sea.

Addictions

These are the thoughts that fuel alcoholism in your middle age

the what-ifs and regrets return like an old friend.

The possibilities now like dead end signs or

neon lights fallen into disrepair

sputtering and shaking til it goes out.

And there’s an irony that your disinterest

catalyzed my addiction

when you swore to never become

your father.

But it isn’t your fault

We were predisposed and this is fate.

No.

This is bullshit.

The way humans can affect you

simulating a drunken feeling and

I never got as drunk again as I

felt with you.

I chased the sensations to try to

recreate you.

There’s no way your chemicals don’t

react the same way.

This is madness.

An obsession

Fix me, fix me

I need this.

Just a taste on my lips

just a touch on your skin.

Can you be addicted before your first time?

Maybe the anticipation is the rush,

the trip, the experience.

Make me clean,

break me whole

fuck me

up.

Sirens and Sirens

Hazards and warnings,

to keep us safe,

but there is no precaution for

the shards and cuts

sustained from this.

It used to be my favorite place to be,

the water could camouflage me,

distorting the flaws I carry,

but it only seemed to illuminate,

and make the blemishes more clear.

My inexperience became apparent,

my cockiness caught up.

You let me drown.

I accepted it at first,

a whirlpool pulling me under.

When I realized what had happened though,

that you were waving from your ship,

safely in its harbor,

I was alone.

This siren lost her voice,

and didn’t scream for help.

fools like me, oh we love blindly.

I know that life isn't fair, and I never expected or demanded that it be. The only thing I do ask of life is that I try to have control of mine sometimes, and I often don't. And the fact that you get to sit there and smile at me with those big blue eyes as you twirl your mustache in your fingers, the same way you twist my emotions in that longing gaze is making me sick. You have been leading me on for weeks when I have been nothing but honest with you, and when you asked me about my intentions like you were trying to be honorable when in reality you just want to make me vulnerable and weak. But the best part about you not taking the time to get to know me is that you don't know that you can't break me down or get to me. I'm not the kind of girl that will fall apart or let you walk all over her and if that's what you were expecting, you're going to be disappointed. I'm ready to unleash hell upon you, don't fucking fuck with me anymore. And those commitment issues and well delivered lines about "not being anyone's first or last" don't fool me, you're terrified of feeling anything which is pretty unattractive in and of itself. You think you're such a strong man because you don't let feelings control you or dictate your life but you really are cutting off an entire part of your being that you could be experiencing.
You're not a fearless pirate, you're a fucking coward.

"you can never be overdressed or overeducated"

It's been awhile.
It's summer again.
I turned 22.

There's been a lot and yet nothing has happened. I don't even feel like writing on here anymore. There's so many feelings and none I want to share with the world. I might just go old school and started writing by hand in journals again. I hope you understand, whatever readers I may possibly still have left. I might post here again. I don't really know. I just thought I should throw something on here. I still read a lot of friend's blogs and use blogger to do so, I promise.

One of the classes I took last semester was my senior seminar. I had no idea what it would be about when I registered for it, the only thing I knew was it was called British Studies. It ended up being about Oscar Wilde and I have never loved and hated a man so entirely and so much. I think I will always have a special relationship with him and his writing and I'd like to share some quotes (who knows how accurate they are).

caring is creepy

I would like to unknow this please.
Many things but mostly that. I can't get it out of my mind. The lonely look and desperate need for companionship. It broke my heart. And I realized how well off I had things and how much people change when they grow up. And lately I've just been realizing how old I am. How old we all are. And when did that happen? My birthday is next month, but no. The number thing doesn't matter to me really. We were all in such a hurry to grow up, become adults and find out what kind of people we were meant to be. I think I've been doing a job of that part, actually. I like who I am, and it's only getting better to me. But there are still some parts missing. I'm graduating in December. That seems really close and really far away. I still don't know what I want to do.