I should've been there for you.
...is a sentence that I feel like I should say to many people, but at the same time I wonder if many people would say to me. How many of us have incredible struggles but don't say a word? Probably everyone. I don't know where that came from but whatever. I needed to write something here. I've been super busy lately, but not doing anything interesting at all. Work and school is all I seem to do. I get off school I go to work. I get off work I go to sleep. I have no life. I feel like a zombie. But there's only two more weeks left of this. Which is actually terrifying because I still have so much left to do. Does anyone want to write an 8 page paper for me? Because I've been dreading it all semester. And my professor is pretty much a huge jerk and doesn't help at all. I still am not 100% sure what I'm gonna write about, I have half a page so far. Yikes. I am so nervous about my classes this semester and if I'm going to pass. More so than any other. The weird part is I am probably going to pass math which had been my biggest concern during the summer, funny how things don't go the way you thought they would.
On that note, I have horrible taste in men. I believe my friend Kyle once told me I have the worst taste in men than anyone else he's ever encountered. But I think I kind of self sabotage a little bit by exclusively being attracted to men that I have no chance with. That's not being down on myself it's like there is some part of me that is hopelessly addicted to men that are emotionally unavailable in every imaginable way possible. Like, in high school I was in love with a boy who was gay. If that's not as emotionally unavailable as you can get I don't know what is. I like to chase guys. If a guy pursues me I am instantly and completely turned off. Which is probably why I'll never find someone cuz I know guys are like that too. But it's whatever, just little breakthroughs in my psyche that I have discovered from years of analyzation of myself. I don't think any of that made any sense but I don't really care. My brain is fried. I am so tired all of the time, every time I sat down yesterday I fell asleep. I am not kidding. What is wrong with me? When did I get so old? How am I almost done with college? How is everyone married or graduating or graduating AND married? I need to move and be more like a girl that wants to be pursued. I just don't know how to be that girl.