Wednesday, November 10, 2010

every smile you fake is so condescending, counting all the scars you made

Day Ten – Write a letter to the person you hate most or caused you a lot of pain

Dear person who has caused me a lot of pain,

I don’t know how many times I’ve written letters to you in my head over the past couple months. There are so many things left unsaid between us, so many things that I will never know because you’ve pushed me and everyone else away. Life is picking up and things are getting better for me lately. But I still miss you. I think about you everyday and there has not been one moment in the past 3 months that I haven't wanted to put you back in my life. It’s this constant aching for you and missing that person that I used to have so much in common with.
I know you’re not doing very well, I wish I could help you. Our mutual friends tell me these things and I worry about you, probably even more than they do. I wish I didn’t because I know you don’t think about me at all. I wish that we could have some kind of contact. Even just go out for coffee someday, I’d settle for a couple texts even. I don’t know what I did to you to make you hurt me this badly and cut me out of your life so cleanly. I can’t understand how one day everything could be so perfect and then suddenly you were telling me goodbye.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could listen to certain bands and read certain books and watch certain movies again. There’s pieces of you in every favorite thing of mine and memories of you around every corner. We weren’t together very long but it seemed like years to me. It’s weird to think about now because you seem so far away. The boy I knew from the summer has long faded. I don’t know where he is now, probably buried underneath your harsh “brooding” exterior but my heart still lies with him. I’ve tried to take my mind off of it and I think I am coping well, all things considered, but if there was any possible way that person could come back or even if you’d apologize and we’d try to be friends again I would be eternally grateful. I miss my best friend and other half of my heart. The person who understood all of my complexities and told me I was beautiful during those summer nights up Big Cottonwood Canyon. The boy with the big brown eyes who told me he loved me and actually made me feel his words as he said them and I believed it. My heart breaks thinking of all the plans we made and trips we wanted to take acting as if we would be together for many years to come and not fizzle and fade the way we did. You broke all your promises to me while I still upheld everything I ever promised you. And I guess that’s what hurts the most. Knowing all the ways I’ve loved and supported you and realizing you’ve never been anything but a let down.

There’s really nothing more to say right now. Maybe someday you’ll come back and realize how stupid you were to push me away. No one will ever love you the way I did. I wish you could stop hating me.





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