Saturday, May 1, 2010

this is long overdue.

That is one of the last pictures my best friend Jane and I took. Jane and I were best friends for 6 years. From 7th-12th grade she was my everything person. We were inseparable basically. I told her everything, she told me everything, we were rarely ever seen without each other. We joined the same clubs, transferred classes so we could have at least one together and of course lunch, she drove me to school everyday junior year even though I could've easily driven myself, and other such memories that I won't go into right now. Of course we had moments where things got tough for us, but we never really got into arguments or fights that weren't resolved within minutes. Whenever we were mad at each other or whatever we got over it quickly because we had stuff to tell each other. To this day no one gave/gives me better advice than Jane used to. Anyway I suppose I should carry on with the story and why I'm writing this blog.
Basically, my senior year of high school was when things with Jane started to change. We started out the year normally and were best friends and what not until Christmas break. At the time I was stupid, I just want to throw that out there right now. I had this wonderful best friend who had always been there for me and I was taking her for granted. I want to go back and punch my 17 year old self and tell her she's an idiot.
Of course I can't do this so I'll continue on with what happened. One night we were hanging out and being dumb and for some reason I went over to this guy's house that I liked and I stayed in there for like 15 minutes?? leaving Jane alone in the car. Little did I know her family was freaking out and needed her home immediately and I had left my phone in the car. I guess she could've come inside after me but she knew I liked this kid and was giving us space I guess. So I get back in my car and she's speaking Korean in an angry tone on the phone so I know something's up and I rush her home. After that she doesn't talk to me for a few days. I sent her texts telling her I'm so sorry and what not and she didn't respond. I'm not sure how much time passed after this but she eventually got over it and we continued on. However, this was when things started to change. I won't go into every detail/moment when we started drifting apart but that was the first time when our rift was beginning to form.
More or less little things like that kept happening. However it wasn't all me, she would do things and not tell me about them or not talk to me at all for days. She started snapping at me and making comments about how she hated high school and everyone in Utah and she couldn't wait to get out of here and stuff. At first it didn't bother me that much because I always knew she wanted to go to college out of state but eventually I started taking it personally. I realized we were seeing each other less and less and if I tried to talk to her more she would push me away. I can see now that she had already begun building up this wall to move on from high school and the life that she had had but at the time it felt like a personal attack. I guess I forgot to mention she had started being less friendly with our other friend Rachael too who was getting quite annoyed with it as well and finally decided to say something to her.
So one day at the beginning of last May, Rachael started talking to Jane about the way she had been treating us. I found them in the middle of a heated argument in the hallway at school about it and immediately knew that there was no way for this to end well. If anyone knows my friend Rachael Page they know that she is extremely opinionated almost to a fault. I knew she must not be going easy on Jane and I just stood there trying to think of things to say that could make them both settle down. Unfortunately, nothing came to mind. Jane ended up kind of arguing herself into a corner and not being able to defend herself anymore and burst into tears. She yelled something about her parents getting a divorce and no one being able to understand her and she ran away. That was the last time I ever talked to Jane in person.
We had a class together and sat next to each other but she stopped going. I wondered if her parents were really getting divorced or where that had suddenly come from. I couldn't believe she would keep such a life changing event to herself and not tell me. I wondered if I should talk to her, run after her, apologize but I decided I should just give her space. I found out from my friend Becca that she was leaving school early...about 2 weeks early and would not attend graduation or anything. She sounded like she was just completely done with high school and everyone there.
So weeks passed...we graduated...months passed...and then it was almost time for school to start. I missed Jane. It had been the first summer I had had in a very long time completely without her. Summer had always been the best time for us. It was when we had the most fun...I regretted the way things ended and wished I had done something sooner but now I wasn't sure what to do.
So I packed up and went to Utah State and started school. After a few weeks had passed I messaged Jane on facebook. I figured it was the only way I could give her a long apology now. She never responded. Another time my neighbor Keith stole my phone after hearing about my falling out with Jane and texted her. She replied with a "Who's this?" after I told her who it was she never responded. Feeling a little defeated, I continued on with life, but still thought about her almost everyday. Not always in a longing/missing type way. Sometimes I was angry. Other times I just missed having someone that understood me and had been there through it all with me. Then I met new boys and had new crushes and I wanted to talk to her about it but she wasn't there. I wondered if I'd run into her somewhere over any breaks that she might be home. I never did. When I'd visit home on weekends and I'd drive by her house it was weird knowing I wasn't welcome there. But I digress...
Time passed as it does and suddenly it was April 19th - Jane's birthday. I decided to suck up the courage and send her a birthday text. It had almost been a year since our falling out and I wondered if she and I could put the past behind us. So I sent her a generic happy birthday text. And to my amazement she responded. For the first time in a year I saw the name "Supergirl" come up in my inbox. That stupid 7th grade nickname I gave her because of that Jessica Simpson song "With You" had stuck with her throughout our whole friendship. It was a surreal feeling. All she really said was thanks so I asked her how school was and she said it was good and that was the extent of our conversation. It seemed so stupid, if it had been with anyone else I wouldn't have thought much of it. But this was huge for us. Contact had been restored.
Feeling better knowing that my long lost bff didn't completely hate me I continued on with my life. I knew it was best not to press things with her so I carried on until the next Thursday. I had gotten out of my lit class ridiculously early so I decided to head to the cafe and get a beverage and a donut for breakfast when I saw a boy that I went to high school with. He had been a year older than I was and Jane and I completely despised him. However the feeling was mutual. He had humiliated me which in best friend speak meant he had humiliated Jane too. We shared enemies. As if seeing him wasn't bizarre enough the fact that he was at Utah State completely threw me off. He had always said he was going to the U with his boyfriend but apparently things changed there. After a few minutes of glaring at each other I decided I had to tell someone about this. So of course I thought of Jane. And then it happened again. Nine text messages melted away a year of no talking. I learned things about her life again. Contact was restored.
Now I know that nine text messages doesn't equal best friend but it is a hell of a lot better than the freeze out zone. And who knows maybe she'll wish ME a happy birthday. All in all my faith in humanity has been restored. And maybe I have a best friend waiting to be reinstated and willing to take me back up in Seattle.

I hope this all made sense. It is 3 in the morning and I can't remember how many papers/projects I've done this week so if it doesn't my apologies.

1 comment:

  1. Yay! I am sooo glad you two are finally talking again!