Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

some nights.

For some reason, I always have this running dialogue in my head and it usually begins with "My name is Sammy. I have blonde hair and blue eyes and I ________." And the blank is whatever is on my mind at the time. I don't know when I started narrating my life in this way. It seems like it's been forever. And it's stupid, really. I probably have even written about it before. But anyway.

Summer makes me nostalgic. Which is weird. I think every season makes me nostalgic in one way or another though. I guess I truly am an old soul at heart because for some reason I always think longingly of the past as "the good ole days", even though truthfully it wasn't as good as I remember it being. I was reflecting on warm summer nights like this, while driving home from work as I drove past a car with one headlight aglow and I instinctively hit the roof of my car with my fist, yelling "SEX!" And I thought of a boy with pale blue eyes and a big, goofy smile that he was never really fond of, spread across his face looking at me. And it was weird because I hardly think of him that way at all anymore.

And then I started thinking... 

I remember writing a similar post last year. Reminiscing on what my previous summer was like and wondering how different I'd feel this summer from last. The funny thing is, I actually feel exactly the same as I did last summer. Even though almost everything in my world is different. I wondered what friends I'd lose and what people I wouldn't think about anymore. Or people I'd long to think about. But I never could have imagined who I would gain, or ever be prepared for some I would lose. I'm also surprised by those who I lost but have since gained back and under what circumstances. It's all crazy really. Life, I mean. I don't really know why I'm writing this, or why I have a blog anymore. No one reads this, or cares. But I thought I'd throw something out there.  

don't bring me down with you.

They say people get used to beauty. But I don't think I ever got used to yours. And I remember me sitting on your bed an hour before and watching you pack and thinking how beautiful you are to me.
The way your brown hair slightly curls in all the right spots and your pale blue eyes and I kept wondering how I could be so lucky. And it's weird to think about now. All of it really.

I need to write more. I'm the worst writer ever, how long can you consider yourself a writer if you don't write anything at all? Although, that's not entirely true. I'm writing a 6 page paper right now for school but it's not something that's for my soul. I need to write things for my soul. My sister told me the other day that I talk like a writer. And I don't think I've ever been given a more beautiful compliment in my life. I've missed it. Remember when I used to blog weekly? I need to get back to that. And this summer I'm going to write. I have to. What kind of writer am I if I don't? I need to get back to writing my paper but I just thought I would say something here so my readers don't forget about me. Even though I think there's only about 2 of you nowadays.

& it feels like i am just too close to love you

"Be happy". That's all I've ever wanted for you, I wanted to add but didn't.
I'm going to write a book of my life because if I ever told anyone all of this crap no one would believe it. I'd start on it now but if I'm going to be writing anything it should probably be one of the 4 papers that I need to write by the end of the month. Yikes. It's tough when your passion directly interferes with school. My art and my lifeline gets pushed aside because I get so drained writing other things but meh. I should do a life update or something that other bloggers do I guess. I have a new job, I have about a month left of school, I have about a month until I'm 21, and I am home on a Friday night.
Lately I've been fixing things with people. I am now back in contact with all the people that were huge parts of my life last year. But now everything is so different. I was so happy then and I am so happy now but in completely different ways. I think I am finally pretty sure of who I am yet at the same time I feel lost. It's hard to be who you really are when your loved ones want something different for you. Or just one specific loved one. It's also weird to be completely single. I am surrounded by people who are just starting a new relationship, working on mending a broken one, or starting the rest of their lives together and I am just...me. Alone. And it's okay, usually, but sometimes it makes me anxious. Everyone has found their someone except me. And it's weird. I am always infatuated with someone and now I just have this empty feeling. I guess this is the downside of moving on. I do have hope though. I know it'll happen someday, it just seems so far away right now...

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

"I cannot forget that I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

I said I didn't want to do this.

Remember 2011. But on New Year's Eve it seems almost inevitable so I will try to keep it short and sweet and possibly just sum it up with this quote from One Tree Hill

"This year I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for, but in a way, I lost even more."


It's true. I had everything this year, more than I ever could have anticipated. And I lost all of it and possibly even more. And although at the end of most trials people look back and are grateful because they learned a lot about themselves and they don't take things for granted anymore or something, I don't know if that's true for me. And maybe it's not true for anyone. We all just say these things because looking back on the past actually breaks our hearts but we know we can't do anything to fix it. We can't change the past. The way we acted and reacted to things that changed our lives is over; we have to keep moving. 
So maybe that's just what we tell ourselves to ease the pain of what we've lost or things that have changed. We tell ourselves it's okay, I'm better now for it. I've grown. 


But I don't know if I really have. Do any of us? I mean really, do we ever really change? I'd like to say yes and maybe we can. And not to quote One Tree Hill again but I think I have to 
"...at the end of the day, you are who you are. And at the end of the day, it's probably who you've always been."
I think the only way we really change is we become more of who we really are. I don't think you can dramatically change your personality. People get hurt and have to adapt and change all the time, but really deep down you're just becoming more of who you are. I mean, I know it's possible and there are exceptions to the rule but I think this is the rule. Who you are is who you've always been.

In other news...

I made the Dean's list this semester so I guess having a broken heart was good for something.

I still haven't given up yet.

why do we like to hurt so much?

Guys...
I have decided that I'm giving up on the reverb challenge. I don't get any comments or feedback from it and honestly I'm not sure what good it's doing me to keep looking back over this past year. I feel okay with the half that I did but I don't think I'm going to complete the project. I hope you understand and I will just be going back to my normal and sporadic posts from now on. And that's not to say I won't ever post about my past again, I just don't think this particular project is helpful for me.

now all your love is wasted then who the hell was i?

DAY FIFTEEN - Popular Culture

What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/ words you hope will stay in 2011? What are some things/ideas/people/phrases/words you hope to hear more of in 2012? 

Ew number one person I want to stay in 2011 is Kim Kardashian and any Kardashian really. They're such a waste. That was the first person of popular culture I could think of to exile and I really think that's the main one. Ha I don't really have any other issues with anything that's popular. I totes love my abbrevs still ;)

I'm not really sure what I want to hear more of...there's nothing really that I'm super passionate about pertaining to pop culture. I'd say I wanna get rid of hipsters but let's be honest I listen to hipster music all the time and those are the people I end up dating haha so I guess I can't go there. Although I don't really want more of them either ha. I really don't know this is a hard question for me. Although the Occupy protesters weren't organized at all and pretty much are lame I like the idea that people our age are actually attempting to change things. That's pretty cool to me, so I'd like to see young people take a stand and be less apathetic. Wow now I sound like my parents...I'm done now ha.

So that explains it...

thankful.

DAY FOURTEEN - Appreciation

What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it?

I have so many things to be grateful for but above all this year I am so thankful for my family. I have always heard people say that your friends come and go but your family will always be there and this year more than any other I have found that to be true. I'm so glad my little sister is my best friend. I would be so lost without her and I am gonna be so sad when she moves out next year to go to college but I am so excited for her. I have had some issues with my mom too but I love her more than anything and I am so grateful for her. As well as everyone else in my family. They're great. 

Me and Katy. We're twins basically.

if you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken

DAY THIRTEEN - Sticky!

What stuck with you? In 2011, what book that you read, film that you saw, song that you heard (or whatever is your preferred sensory experience) really stuck with you? The kind of thing where you keep thinking about it.

This is awesome because I just saw a movie today that I thought was so great and I think it'll stay with me for awhile. It's called Hugo. I hadn't heard of the movie but my parents heard it was good and because I am done with school and had nothing else to do I tagged along. And it was so cute. I really loved it. I did not see it in 3D  because it gives me a headache but I'm sure if you're into that kind of thing it'd be great. James Cameron even said it was the best use of 3D he had ever seen (including his own movies). So there's that. It is a kid's movie but it definitely appeals to adults and if you love movies you have to see it. Just do it.

These were my favorite quotes from it:

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason."

"If you lose your purpose, it's like you're broken."

"You've been trying to forget the past for so long. Maybe it's time to try and remember."

Other than that I think I pretty much have already blogged about things that stick with me. Certain songs I've posted like Cosmic Love and I Would Be Sad etc. Also the musical I saw Next to Normal. I try really hard to share the things that stick with me so they can stick with you too :)

& your eyes must do some raining if you're ever gonna grow

DAY TEN - Lesson Learned

What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?

Yay I love this :) I think by far the biggest thing I learned this year about myself is acceptance. I think this is the first time in my life that I actually can truly say I love myself and I am not insecure about my appearance or anything. This is nearly impossible in our world to find I think. People that are comfortable in their own skin and not comparing their bodies, personalities, pay checks, etc to everyone else is practically unheard of. But I have finally reached it. No more thoughts of "I'll be beautiful when I lose 10 pounds." No. I am beautiful right now. I may not be the skinniest or the prettiest but I'm not the fattest or the ugliest either. I love who I am.

I think my strength is something that always surprises me. I am a very emotionally strong person. And this year more than ever I have stopped taking people's shit. I think this quote sums it up beautifully:

Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really changed my life, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to become.

And I haven't looked back since.

it's almost like the world is saying "stop separating, you are meant to be together."

DAY EIGHT - Five Minutes

Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2011 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2011.

Hahahahahahaha. Oh gosh. Hmm I'm just trying to picture the way my life would be right now if 2011 never happened. Wow. My life would be completely unrecognizable. I don't even know. My whole life has changed this year in so many different ways. And I'm sorry but I don't really want a play by play of what's happened over this past year. Not here. If you know me you know what happened if you don't then we have some catching up to do. And besides, I know there's no way my heart could forget it. Which kind of reminds me of that movie Eternal Sunshine. I know if I had the chance I couldn't and wouldn't erase you even if I tried. It wouldn't work.

come find me.

DAY SEVEN - Beyond Avoidance

What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?)

I actually think 2011 was my biggest year of being who I am and not having regrets. The first thing that came to mind when I thought of something I didn't do in 2011 that I wanted to do more of was traveling but I don't really have any power over that because I have no money. I really miss traveling. It has always been such a big part of my life. But I definitely think I am going to try to be more adventurous in 2012 though. I've never been one to sit around and not tell people my feelings for them so that won't be an issue but I think I'll try to do more of that. Also greetings from St George! I am basically done with my semester, just have an online final and a portfolio to turn in on Monday. So happy :)

i'm the one that's acting like i'm so strong, you're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong.

DAY FIVE - 2011: The Movie

If a film were made about ONE thing that happened to you in 2011, what would the film be called? Describe the plot/story.

So I've been staring at this prompt for 20 minutes or so trying to decide what thing that happened this year that I should write about. And I honestly don't think there is ONE single experience from the past year that is movie-worthy. Not to say my life has been drama free or anything like that I just think it would make a better movie if it were more comprehensive. Perhaps a look at my life over the past year overall would be better. And I guess I would just have to call it "A Work in Progress". 

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

reverb 11.

So I just heard about this blogging project called Reverb 11 that you're supposed to do everyday in December. And I really want to do it and it's only the 4th so I think I am still gonna go for it. Basically it's a reflection on 2011 and there are prompts for everyday that you're supposed to use. So I'm gonna do my first four days in this post and then try to do it daily from here on out. Here goes!

DAY ONE - One word.

Encapsulate 2011 in one word. Explain why you’re using that word.


Hmm that's really difficult. Of all the prompts I've had to do this one actually kinda tripped me up the most. I don't know what one word I could use to describe it. I guess if I picked one word it would be "trying". I think that word fits really well because it has two meanings. One is obviously to try something which I definitely did a lot of this year. I had a few firsts and did things I had never done before but also it has been trying in a different way. The second half of this year has been really hard for me. A lot of constant things in my life changed and I had to learn to adjust so yeah "trying" seems to fit.

DAY TWO - Let go

What, or whom, did you let go of this year? Why?

I let go of some friends this year. I didn't feel like they were the best kinds of friends I could be hanging out with and thought it would be better if we went our separate ways. It's a lot more complicated than that but that's the gist of it. I also let go of trying to pretend I'm Mormon in front of my parents which was a big deal but I am so thankful that I am no longer trying to be someone I'm not. Admittedly it's not easy and I know it's still a disappointment to them but in the long run I know it's for the best.

DAY THREE - Ambitions

What are your ambitions? What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to/detracts from your ambitions? Can you eliminate it?

I think my main ambition is writing. I want to someday be published and I know that seems like an impossible dream it's what I've wanted since I was little. I don't know many little girls that wanted to be writers when they grew up but it's something I've always loved. I think something that detracts from that is the fact that I'm always busy writing things for school and not anything for myself anymore which is also why I wanted to take this challenge. I am hoping it'll force me to focus more time back onto my writing.

DAY FOUR - Healing

What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2012?

I am still in a large process of healing. I started therapy again in early September because I could sense that I was about to spiral out of control and I am so glad I started when I did. I think if I had prolonged therapy any longer it could've been very bad. I had to fill out an evaluation when I started and I was only 3 points away from severe depression which is generally where people start committing suicide or acts of self harm. I took the test again last week and I am now in the normal range so I've made a lot of progress in just a few months. It's definitely been a drip-by-drip evolution and I am still in the process. I hope to have a lot more healing in 2012. I hope to be able to trust people again and kind of start over.

this will blow over in time.

It's weird how a song can bring you back to a moment. I've talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Because right now I'm in your car. And we're driving around. Doing something stupid, like buying a lava lamp on a gray afternoon in May. Your hand is out the window, and this song comes on so you turn it up. It's one of your top 3 favorite bands ever. Just one of those stupid things that I still remember after all this time...but I digress. And now I'm listening to it here. Six months later. In my room while writing a final paper for a class that was the furthest thing from my mind.
And the truth is, I don't miss you at all. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I will always be in love with that boy who gave me a glimpse of his heart, which is more than most can say I assure you. But we are different people than we were merely six months ago. We have both changed and been altered by each other I'd like to think. In fact, I'd even be so bold to say we are strangers.

I don't know you anymore and you sure as hell don't know me. 

the ones that love you will never stop.

I've been really busy with school stuff lately so I haven't had time to update, what with the semester winding down and what not. I did want to say this though. My adolescent literature class has been one of my favorite classes in my college career thus far. I thought it would be amazing to read books for teens and not really do a lot of work which is mainly true, but we were all required to teach one of the books to the class. The book my group was assigned was The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian by Sherman Alexie. It's a great book if you haven't read it or heard of it like I hadn't. I mainly just wanted to post some quotes from it because I loved it. I also decided Sherman Alexie might be one of my favorite writers. His poetry is great too and he's hilarious which is a nice bonus. I follow him on Twitter and if that's your thing then I'd recommend following him.  


"There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away."

"I ran away from there as fast as I could. I wanted to run faster than the speed of sound, but nobody, no matter how much pain they're in, can run that fast."

"I think the world is a series of broken dams and floods, and my cartoons are tiny little lifeboats."

“I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,” I said. “By black and white. By Indian and white. But I know that isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes: The people who are assholes and the people who are not”.

“If you care about something enough, it’s going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear. Get mad. Arnold, get mad.”

“I didn't know what to say to her. What do you say to people when they ask how it feels to lose everything? When every planet in your solar system has exploded?” 

“Grief is when you feel so helpless and stupid that you think nothing will ever be right again, and your macaroni and cheese tastes like sawdust, and you can't even jerk off because it seems like too much trouble.” 

“You have to love somebody that much to also hate them that much, too."

i was in the darkness, so darkness i became.

I have a playlist of four songs...in case you were wondering what I've been listening to on repeat all day. In my car and in my room. While writing poetry. It's fantastic.

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love



Mumford and Sons - Home



Birdy - Skinny Love



James Morrison - Pieces Don't Fit Anymore




Yup, I'm obviously single...