Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

there's something in the water that makes me love you like i do.

Legit obsessed with this song.

Might update later. We'll see how my paper goes ;)

it's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I always think of the best blog posts to write while I'm driving. Or in the shower. You know, the moments where there's no possible way to jot down your thoughts to revisit later. But I guess that's the way life is. It's fleeting, it's passing us by all the time. And it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

Lately there's been a lot of songs that have been able to convey my feelings better than I have lately. I guess that's one of the hazards of being a writer. Sometimes you can't find the words, or they've already been written for you. I don't like to think of myself as an "aspiring writer" like many people my age or even older that are trying to establish themselves. No. I'm just a writer. Whether I aspire to be published, downloaded, printed, whatever doesn't matter really. I am writer. It's what I do and it's also who I am. I may aspire to be a better writer but that's about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure where that came from. I didn't really have a specific topic in mind when I started this either, just that I'm on the computer and thought I'd throw a few lines down. I've been thinking about last year a lot lately. It's good and bad. It's crazy to think of how different my life was only 12 months ago as opposed to now. I've grown a lot and I never think I can grow more but then something happens and you have to. It's strange, it makes me wonder where I'll be in another 12 months. Like I said it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

[I know it's from the new Footloose movie but I promise it's good]

it's times like these when silence means everything.

Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.

So much has changed. I loved someone a lot, and one day I woke up and I realized what moving on really is. There’s such a big difference between getting over something and getting through it. I got through with it all, but if he came up to me and told me that he sincerely loved me, I wouldn’t resist that. It’s funny how things work out right? You think you’ll be best friends with someone forever and one day you’re just not anymore. All I know for sure is that when you love someone, I mean truly love someone, whether it’s a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you never stop loving them. Think about it. I’ve moved on, yes, but a part of me will always belong to him. I will always have that part of me that loves him.

Gossip girl comes back tomorrow. I could not be more excited. I guess I should probably do a life update or something. School is good. It's a lot different than last semester. I think I am actually gonna have to do a lot of homework, mostly reading and writing because I'm finally into my major. Yay. I went on a date on Friday, it was a lot of fun. I'm still amazed by how much my life has changed over the course of one year. I'm still not used to it, but it's becoming more and more normal. I'll try to update at least weekly but well, you know me, and I've said that before.

"I cannot forget that I am in love with you. I'm sorry."

I said I didn't want to do this.

Remember 2011. But on New Year's Eve it seems almost inevitable so I will try to keep it short and sweet and possibly just sum it up with this quote from One Tree Hill

"This year I got everything I wanted and everything I wished for, but in a way, I lost even more."


It's true. I had everything this year, more than I ever could have anticipated. And I lost all of it and possibly even more. And although at the end of most trials people look back and are grateful because they learned a lot about themselves and they don't take things for granted anymore or something, I don't know if that's true for me. And maybe it's not true for anyone. We all just say these things because looking back on the past actually breaks our hearts but we know we can't do anything to fix it. We can't change the past. The way we acted and reacted to things that changed our lives is over; we have to keep moving. 
So maybe that's just what we tell ourselves to ease the pain of what we've lost or things that have changed. We tell ourselves it's okay, I'm better now for it. I've grown. 


But I don't know if I really have. Do any of us? I mean really, do we ever really change? I'd like to say yes and maybe we can. And not to quote One Tree Hill again but I think I have to 
"...at the end of the day, you are who you are. And at the end of the day, it's probably who you've always been."
I think the only way we really change is we become more of who we really are. I don't think you can dramatically change your personality. People get hurt and have to adapt and change all the time, but really deep down you're just becoming more of who you are. I mean, I know it's possible and there are exceptions to the rule but I think this is the rule. Who you are is who you've always been.

In other news...

I made the Dean's list this semester so I guess having a broken heart was good for something.

I still haven't given up yet.

i just wanna feel okay again.

Please be good to me February.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I’d tell you I still love you but your heart has probably been fermented from all the alcohol coursing through your veins.

first post of 2011

This is also incidentally my 101st blog post on this website. Crazyyy. Especially because most of them are really stupid ha.

Anyway, I could do the whole cliché thing of posting my new years resolutions but I highly doubt any of you care. Also, let’s be honest. It’s January 2nd, do you have any idea how many resolutions have already been broken? Probably a lot, I don’t know the exact number either haha.

I really do have some goals for myself though and I feel like I should put them in writing so I adhere to them a little bit. No one will comment on this anyway so here are the goals for 2011 and just life in general and beyond this year.

1. Exercise more. And by more I mean at all. I am thinking 3x a week. Trying to keep this realistic. Ha.

2. Be less emotionally charged. I am a sensitive (yet very strong and stubborn) person. I have a side of me that can get ugly if I am frustrated, upset, or overwhelmed and I know everyone does but I seem to be lashing out at people more and more and I really need to stop. I feel terrible and childish afterwards so I am really working on this now.

3. Get a job. I am trying so hard but it really has to happen now.

4. Find time to write and read more. Seriously, I am an English major failure.

I’d like to act like number 5 of my goals would be to successfully stop thinking about him. But I know that won’t happen. And in any case, I will begin seeing him on a regular basis so that will be interesting. Maybe we’ll finally get things right. I feel like there has to be a reason why we’re still so upset about things.

Enough about me, here is my wish for all of you this year.

I see you riding ‘round town with the guy I love and I’m like forget you…

Day 23: Share one of your current favorite tunes

So I uh, don’t really have a current favorite tune. But my default is almost always Seventy Times 7. It fits my life absolutely perfectly right now so look that ish up.

In case you haven’t heard there was a gigantic blizzard warning issued for most of Northern Utah and Idaho and probably part of Wyoming and whatever basically just a ton of the western states. I still went to my severe and unusual weather class today though which seemed fitting and learned a lot about blizzards. Then he made us go outside and measure that crappy old snow we had leftover from the weekend so that was annoying. But I was reminded of the time when I was in Disneyworld with my family and there was a hurricane warning that was issued and we went to Epcot for half the day and then had to settle into our condo and prepare for the storm. It was the same kind of feeling that I had to carry on normally with my life but still realize that there was potential danger coming later on. The main difference between these two events was that the hurricane was much much worse. Seriously the blizzard has basically fizzled out here. I guess lake effect snow is still possible and the severe cold is the real issue here but I was prepared for a lot worse.

But meh whatever at least we’re all safe inside our warm homes. I couldn’t be more grateful for that.

Stay safe and warm everyone.

I didn’t take this but I thought it was pretty…and fitting.

I have a thing for pictures of deserted roads. True story.