moving...

Unfortunately I'm not physically moving (yet) but I am moving virtually. I started a blog on WordPress (if anyone still reads this and wants to know where I am).

The link is: sammermaid.wordpress.com

Come visit. I still might resurrect this guy at some point if I feel so inclined. Will keep you posted.

Are you aware of the shape I'm in?

I'm a writer that doesn't write so it would seem. Being graduated is weird. I feel like my life has been split into two parts now. The school portion of my life and the now portion. I know my life can't come together instantly but it'd be nice if a couple things could fall into place. I was never one of those people to set goals for myself. I have memories of being in elementary school and having it be this big deal to set academic goals for yourself and I never had any. My life has always just been fulfilling society's expectations of me over and over and up until now there was always an obvious next step. But here I am now on the precipice of adulthood. I need to get a job. I need to get an apartment or a house and maybe a dog or something. I need to date someone but that's a whole different issue. I don't know what the hell I'm doing or how to plan for anything because I never thought I'd make it anywhere. I guess I'm surprised as hell I made it to 22 and made it through college. I suppose I should've believed in myself more because I don't have any plans now. And I know this blog is a shout into the void and no one takes it seriously but it does help to throw my feelings somewhere and at least pretend I am an actual writer because I'm publishing something albeit on my own on a blog with almost no traffic. I guess I'm back.

moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

dumbed down & numbed by time & age

I should be reading Shakespeare which actually amounts to me reading Sparknotes on Shakespeare but even that is seemingly daunting at the moment. I woke up with a sore throat today. I haven't been sick in a long time so I actually am not too upset by it. I made a tumblr the other day, I still don't fully understand that nonsense but maybe in time I will. Most of my days are spent on campus wasting away in the library or bored to death in a class that I lack passion for. I am not a fan of this semester in the least. I find myself growing jealous of friends that only have class twice a week or have taken a hiatus from school to work. I don't know if this is normal for all college students that are almost done but I am just so over this school life. I'm tired of the endless questions about if I want to teach or what I want to do with my English degree because in all honesty I want to do this. I want to drink overpriced coffee and wander around big cities and write what I feel. And I didn't even need to go to school for that.

even the sun sets on paradise.

I'm a terrible writer. On account of the fact that I don't do it anymore. I don't write. Which is a pretty big fail. If I'm being truthful, it's because I'm afraid. I have purposefully been avoiding writing for about a week now, even though I know it could probably help me the most. A lot has happened and even though I only turned 21 a week and a half ago, I feel like I've aged immensely. I don't want to talk about it though. Like I said I've been avoiding it. And I honestly will probably never discuss it on a blog. So...there's that. My life has become pretty routine really. I work 20ish hours a week but I feel like it's all I do. That and watching shows on Netflix. It's not bad really. I spend a lot of money on clothes too. And I really do need to invest in a new laptop. That's the main reason why I don't blog actually. My old one stays on for like 20 min then goes to hell and restarts itself with some crazy error message. Then it works fine, ha. It's weird. I am going to buy one though so don't worry. I just need to save up a couple hundred more dollars. I had lunch with my old neighbor from Utah State today. It was completely random but good to see him again haha. It's funny how much people can change but still stay the same.

i do my best when i'm busiest.

Random thoughts in no particular order:

• Thinking about doing the photo a day challenge on Instagram again in May. I did the one in February. It was a lot of fun.
• 21st birthday. 15 days. Could not be more excited. Just ordered a new dress. It's red. I hope it fits. Fingers crossed.
• This song
• My laptop is on its last legs of life. Yes, my pink "Legally Blonde"-esque laptop has seen better days. I was on Forever 21's website today and it wanted to translate the whole thing from Danish. Yeah...it was definitely in English. Psycho. Keeping my hopes up that I'll get a MacBook.
• I have one final this week. On Tuesday. Should be studying, not blogging. Oops.
• All eyes on me when I walk in, no question that this girl's a ten, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful, don't hate me 'cause I'm beautiful.
• I got an A- in Spanish 1020. Pretty exciting. Celebrating over Eggs Benedict with mi amigo Ryan tomorrow morning. Stoked.
• Love my job and my coworkers are the best. Some times it's boring but I love when it goes by fast or I can be silly with Hunter and Hanna.
• I need to start working out. Legit.
• I wonder if we ever stop feeling like we're teenagers.
• I started Mad Men on Netflix (finally). I can already tell I'm gonna be addicted to it.
• All those fairy tales are full of shit, one more stupid love song I'll be sick.
• Someday I'll be good at blogging. Maybe.

don't bring me down with you.

They say people get used to beauty. But I don't think I ever got used to yours. And I remember me sitting on your bed an hour before and watching you pack and thinking how beautiful you are to me.
The way your brown hair slightly curls in all the right spots and your pale blue eyes and I kept wondering how I could be so lucky. And it's weird to think about now. All of it really.

I need to write more. I'm the worst writer ever, how long can you consider yourself a writer if you don't write anything at all? Although, that's not entirely true. I'm writing a 6 page paper right now for school but it's not something that's for my soul. I need to write things for my soul. My sister told me the other day that I talk like a writer. And I don't think I've ever been given a more beautiful compliment in my life. I've missed it. Remember when I used to blog weekly? I need to get back to that. And this summer I'm going to write. I have to. What kind of writer am I if I don't? I need to get back to writing my paper but I just thought I would say something here so my readers don't forget about me. Even though I think there's only about 2 of you nowadays.

& it feels like i am just too close to love you

"Be happy". That's all I've ever wanted for you, I wanted to add but didn't.
I'm going to write a book of my life because if I ever told anyone all of this crap no one would believe it. I'd start on it now but if I'm going to be writing anything it should probably be one of the 4 papers that I need to write by the end of the month. Yikes. It's tough when your passion directly interferes with school. My art and my lifeline gets pushed aside because I get so drained writing other things but meh. I should do a life update or something that other bloggers do I guess. I have a new job, I have about a month left of school, I have about a month until I'm 21, and I am home on a Friday night.
Lately I've been fixing things with people. I am now back in contact with all the people that were huge parts of my life last year. But now everything is so different. I was so happy then and I am so happy now but in completely different ways. I think I am finally pretty sure of who I am yet at the same time I feel lost. It's hard to be who you really are when your loved ones want something different for you. Or just one specific loved one. It's also weird to be completely single. I am surrounded by people who are just starting a new relationship, working on mending a broken one, or starting the rest of their lives together and I am just...me. Alone. And it's okay, usually, but sometimes it makes me anxious. Everyone has found their someone except me. And it's weird. I am always infatuated with someone and now I just have this empty feeling. I guess this is the downside of moving on. I do have hope though. I know it'll happen someday, it just seems so far away right now...

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

i tried to hold your hand but you'd rather hold your grudge

The rules for this tag game:
1. Post these rules.
2. Post a picture of yourself and 11 random things.
3. Answer the questions set for you in the original post.
4. Create 11 new questions and tag people to answer them. 

Randomness


1. I should be writing a paper right now.


2. I have a ridiculous number of Draw Something games going on right now and I never seem to be able to catch up on them.


3. I just got a job at a new boutique at Fashion Place mall. It's called Francesca's Collections.


4. I'm craving coffee. Might have to take a study break to procure some. 


5. I have 7 different iPhone cases...it's a bit of an obsession.


6. I have 434 followers on Twitter so I'm a relatively small deal.


7. I am going to California on Wednesday.


8. Every time I think about blogging it's usually because I'm either avoiding something or need to vent. Neither one of those things are very good for maintaining followers but it's therapeutic so you'll have to deal.


9. I'm home alone! And breaking all the rules. Well just a few.


10. I want to fix things with a certain person and I'm starting to worry the only way I'll be able to do that is giving him a taste of his own medicine.


11. My best friend moon walked into a freezer the other day at the grocery store and it still makes me laugh whenever I think about it.




Jill's Questions
1. What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
That changes on a daily basis. Right now I think just plain chocolate sounds delightful.

2. If you could live anywhere for 10 years, where would you live?
London, of course.


3. What would have as a pet if it could be anything?
I legit want a fox as a pet, they actually can be domesticated too.

4. Favorite movie?
The Holiday, duh.

5. Paper or plastic?
Paper. I am a writer, after all ;)


6. What is an invention that you want to invent?
I'd appreciate if any kind of food could just appear at the touch of a button. Like in the Capitol in Hunger Games.


7. What is your favorite kind of weather?
Pretty much like today actually. Mild weather with a bit of sun. I love rain too though.


8. I'm copying this, but guilty pleasure?
Taylor Swift and Gossip Girl.

9. What are you most excited for during 2012?
Summer.10. If you could have any career in life, what would it be?
Traveling writer. Or something.

11. If you could redo one thing from the past five years, what would it be? 
I don't play that game anymore.


11 New Questions.


I don't really know anyone to tag so I'll just make 11 new questions for whoever reads this and wants to play. If you do though, leave me a comment so I can read your answers!


1. Would you ever audition for a reality show? Which one?


2. What literary character do you most wish was real?


3. How do you feel about gay marriage?


4. Do you like cats?


5. Do you believe in fate?


6.  Favorite Disney movie as a kid?


7. Do you believe in an afterlife?


8. Would you rather wake up early or sleep in late?


9. Are you single or in a relationship?


10. If you could be another race, what would you choose?


11. Do you have any strange eating habits? 

your ex lover is dead.

It's been an eventful weekend. I love where I am in life right now. And I love that no matter what happens to me and no matter how bad life seems it always bounces back. There is never any time or any situation that lasts forever. And even though it may be sad that it's true for unbelievable happiness as well, the dark times don't last forever. And I hope anyone reading this that is in a dark place knows that it will get better again. It has to. It's the way the world works.

I can't wait for summer. I know it's still February but I am so excited. It's funny to think of the person I was last year or even last fall. I have come so far since then. I truly know who I am and I truly love it. And the cool thing about finding out who you are and loving it is it's so much easier. Everything is easier. You make friends easier, people like you better because they get to know the real you! And if they don't like it then find someone else who does. It really is simple. We complicate life so much when in reality you don't need to. Let go of people who don't love you and find people who do. There are all kinds of great people in the world that might be waiting for a friend like you.

Sorry I know I'm being ridiculously cheesy right now I am just blissfully happy. Everything happens for a reason. Fate and serendipity are watching over me. I know it. Things are falling in to place. And even though I'm really stressed with school right now and trying to get a job it's all gonna be okay. I know it. I'll get through it and if some things fall through the cracks it'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. In fact in a year I'm sure I'll be amazed at how far I've come again...these challenges are a part of life and I welcome them.

Seriously so happy right now. Just kinda feel like telling everyone I know and giving everyone hugs. I love all my friends and I am so grateful to the ones that have stayed by my side and the new ones I've been making along the way. 

Yes you can judge me for loving Katy Perry's new song. Also the lyrics in this video are kinda off but really this song makes me happy and I blast it in my car and belt it out. So judge away, I'm happy.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

there's something in the water that makes me love you like i do.

Legit obsessed with this song.

Might update later. We'll see how my paper goes ;)

"if you really need him fate won't let you lose him, fate will bring him back, it may not be soon, but he will come back."

A lot of my life has been built up on my belief in the idea of fate. It has been one of those things that has gotten me through countless challenges in my life. Just the idea that this is what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be has always been a comfort to me but lately I've been wondering if it is actually true. I guess I've just been wanting fate to prove itself to me. I need that reassurance that I am in the right place, with the right people, and the right person will find me. That last one is the biggest for me. I know I am young and not really ready to be married but living in the place I do, in the culture that surrounds me I start to wonder why I am not in that place yet. And then I get worried I won't ever be in that place. Perhaps it's my anxiety disorder that mucks everything up in my mind but I do get scared. I know that God has a plan for me or what not but I don't know if things can go wrong or get messed up. Do we always end up where we're supposed to? I've always had to believe that for myself. Just for peace of mind and being able to get out of bed in the morning otherwise the things I have lost would probably kill me. I wouldn't say that I am lost exactly I just feel like so much of my life has changed that I'd like to know that it's all supposed to have happened. That all of these losses I've experienced haven't been for nothing and having my heart ripped to pieces wasn't pointless. I'd like to know that you were supposed to have hurt me this way to make us both grow as people and if we are meant to be together our paths will cross again. But I don't have that assurance and I guess no one really does.
I don't really know why I'm writing this. I know no one reads this anymore and I know all anyone will tell me is just to trust in God or something. I guess I'm hoping that fate will make you read this and maybe you'll know what I'm trying to say. But it may or may not and I guess that is fate's prerogative. But truthfully you always show up at the worst of times. I catch a glimpse of you when I am the least prepared and it scares me and my blood pulses and I feel like I've just been kicked in the stomach or something. It's like I have to be reminded that I am not supposed to forget about you or the effect you have on me.


This is just venting I suppose anyway. The truth is no one knows. Not even you.

it's gonna take a superman to sweep me off my feet

I always think of the best blog posts to write while I'm driving. Or in the shower. You know, the moments where there's no possible way to jot down your thoughts to revisit later. But I guess that's the way life is. It's fleeting, it's passing us by all the time. And it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

Lately there's been a lot of songs that have been able to convey my feelings better than I have lately. I guess that's one of the hazards of being a writer. Sometimes you can't find the words, or they've already been written for you. I don't like to think of myself as an "aspiring writer" like many people my age or even older that are trying to establish themselves. No. I'm just a writer. Whether I aspire to be published, downloaded, printed, whatever doesn't matter really. I am writer. It's what I do and it's also who I am. I may aspire to be a better writer but that's about it.

Anyway, I'm not sure where that came from. I didn't really have a specific topic in mind when I started this either, just that I'm on the computer and thought I'd throw a few lines down. I've been thinking about last year a lot lately. It's good and bad. It's crazy to think of how different my life was only 12 months ago as opposed to now. I've grown a lot and I never think I can grow more but then something happens and you have to. It's strange, it makes me wonder where I'll be in another 12 months. Like I said it's scary, but it can also be exciting.

[I know it's from the new Footloose movie but I promise it's good]

it's times like these when silence means everything.

Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.

So much has changed. I loved someone a lot, and one day I woke up and I realized what moving on really is. There’s such a big difference between getting over something and getting through it. I got through with it all, but if he came up to me and told me that he sincerely loved me, I wouldn’t resist that. It’s funny how things work out right? You think you’ll be best friends with someone forever and one day you’re just not anymore. All I know for sure is that when you love someone, I mean truly love someone, whether it’s a friend or a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever, you never stop loving them. Think about it. I’ve moved on, yes, but a part of me will always belong to him. I will always have that part of me that loves him.

Gossip girl comes back tomorrow. I could not be more excited. I guess I should probably do a life update or something. School is good. It's a lot different than last semester. I think I am actually gonna have to do a lot of homework, mostly reading and writing because I'm finally into my major. Yay. I went on a date on Friday, it was a lot of fun. I'm still amazed by how much my life has changed over the course of one year. I'm still not used to it, but it's becoming more and more normal. I'll try to update at least weekly but well, you know me, and I've said that before.

this will blow over in time.

It's weird how a song can bring you back to a moment. I've talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Because right now I'm in your car. And we're driving around. Doing something stupid, like buying a lava lamp on a gray afternoon in May. Your hand is out the window, and this song comes on so you turn it up. It's one of your top 3 favorite bands ever. Just one of those stupid things that I still remember after all this time...but I digress. And now I'm listening to it here. Six months later. In my room while writing a final paper for a class that was the furthest thing from my mind.
And the truth is, I don't miss you at all. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I will always be in love with that boy who gave me a glimpse of his heart, which is more than most can say I assure you. But we are different people than we were merely six months ago. We have both changed and been altered by each other I'd like to think. In fact, I'd even be so bold to say we are strangers.

I don't know you anymore and you sure as hell don't know me. 

the ones that love you will never stop.

I've been really busy with school stuff lately so I haven't had time to update, what with the semester winding down and what not. I did want to say this though. My adolescent literature class has been one of my favorite classes in my college career thus far. I thought it would be amazing to read books for teens and not really do a lot of work which is mainly true, but we were all required to teach one of the books to the class. The book my group was assigned was The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-time Indian by Sherman Alexie. It's a great book if you haven't read it or heard of it like I hadn't. I mainly just wanted to post some quotes from it because I loved it. I also decided Sherman Alexie might be one of my favorite writers. His poetry is great too and he's hilarious which is a nice bonus. I follow him on Twitter and if that's your thing then I'd recommend following him.  


"There are all kinds of addicts, I guess. We all have pain. And we all look for ways to make the pain go away."

"I ran away from there as fast as I could. I wanted to run faster than the speed of sound, but nobody, no matter how much pain they're in, can run that fast."

"I think the world is a series of broken dams and floods, and my cartoons are tiny little lifeboats."

“I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,” I said. “By black and white. By Indian and white. But I know that isn’t true. The world is only broken into two tribes: The people who are assholes and the people who are not”.

“If you care about something enough, it’s going to make you cry. But you have to use it. Use your tears. Use your pain. Use your fear. Get mad. Arnold, get mad.”

“I didn't know what to say to her. What do you say to people when they ask how it feels to lose everything? When every planet in your solar system has exploded?” 

“Grief is when you feel so helpless and stupid that you think nothing will ever be right again, and your macaroni and cheese tastes like sawdust, and you can't even jerk off because it seems like too much trouble.” 

“You have to love somebody that much to also hate them that much, too."

i was in the darkness, so darkness i became.

I have a playlist of four songs...in case you were wondering what I've been listening to on repeat all day. In my car and in my room. While writing poetry. It's fantastic.

Florence + The Machine - Cosmic Love



Mumford and Sons - Home



Birdy - Skinny Love



James Morrison - Pieces Don't Fit Anymore




Yup, I'm obviously single...

‎"Day after day...give me clouds, and rain, and gray. Give me pain, if that's what's real. It's the price we pay to feel."

I saw the most amazing play last night. It's called "Next to Normal". I hadn't really heard of it before but my parents saw it last week and my professor in one of my classes was talking about it so I went on closing night and I can't remember the last time I loved a play so much. I keep thinking about it today. I'm sad it's not on Broadway anymore. The link explains what the play is about but really if you ever get a chance I'd highly recommend it. It's an interesting viewpoint of someone with a mental illness as well as addressing suicide and prescription drug problems.

Anyway it reminded me of this quote:

I think mental illness or madness can be an escape also. People don't develop a mental illness because they are in the happiest of situations usually. One doctor observed that it was rare when people were rich to become schizophrenic. If they were poor or didn't have too much money, then it was more likely. And this is natural, if things are very good, you can find satisfaction with the world as it is, as it seems to be. If things are not so good, you may be one to imagine something better.

I'm not gonna pretend I have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or any disorder that might have hallucinations or what not but as someone who does have depression and anxiety I really appreciated the fact that they said mental illnesses are like any other kind of physical illness if it goes untreated you could die. I have a lot of friends with depression and I know they're struggling and it makes me sad and worried about them. It's easy to say that life is hard and that it'll get better on it's own but sometimes that isn't always the case. Sometimes you need extra help, and I just want everyone to know that getting help isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. 

Anyway I don't know where that all came from but I think that's all for tonight.