moving on from him is impossible when i still see it all in my head, burning red.

I'm writing here so I don't text you. I don't know what to do. I didn't know seeing you would be this hard. But things with you have always been amplified. Every look, every smile, every conversation has always been intensified as if I've injected something whenever it happens. I don't know what to do now. How to proceed. On the surface I suppose it's all the same, and you still are unaware of the effect you really have on me. But you're killing me every time there's no progress. Every minute of silence and missed opportunity, is sucking the life out of me. You were more of a vampire, than a pirate it seems. This is actually painful. And I don't know why. I really don't. I want to understand and I want to remove the power you have over me but I don't know how. I have no one to talk to about this, I know I've worn my friends out with this bullshit. Our stupid agreement and why did I ever believe that it was real? What about this entire situation did I think was healthy or normal? I need to stop being so slutty with my heart. I keep believing the best in people even when they tell me and give me every reason not to. You can get your heart broken by anyone, even people who don't realize they hold your heart. Maybe even especially by those people.

So this is what I need to say to you:

I'm done with our little flirtation thing. I don't know what I was thinking in even starting any of this with you. I'm sorry for it, but I think you should be sorry too. You led me on and I was too stupid to notice until now. And you were right, I couldn't have done it without catching feelings. I wish we could go back to being friends because I really love talking to you and hearing your thoughts on life but I feel like you don't respect me so maybe that's not actually an option. I wish things were different.

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

there are 7 billion people in the world. sometimes all you need is one.

I cannot go to the ocean,

I cannot drive the streets at night,

I cannot wake up in the morning without you on my mind.

But so you're gone and I'm haunted,

and I'll bet you are just fine.

Do I make it that easy to walk right in and out...

of my life?

-A Fine Frenzy "Almost Lover"

i would be sad for all the love i've had before.

Just a little bit in love with this song right now. Extremely. The Avett Brothers make me sad but in such a great way. I'll write something later.

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad because the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would settle down with you
Although I know it’s not something that you were asking me to do
And I know we are young but we won’t always be, so marry me
Let’s not be that predictable young couple changing moving on
But I can tell by watching you that there’s no chance of pushing through
The odds are so against us you know most young love it ends like this

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad because the lies that you had told
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I’ve had before

I meant what I said when I said I would rearrange my plans and change for you
You know me I’ve always been the kind with easy confidence
Confident enough to honestly believe that nothing out there
Is stopping me especially not someone who’s not loving me
Now listen here I told you I could live on without loving you
I was bluffing then but it seems that just might have been the truth
Well my dad told me one-day son this girl will think of what she’s done
And hurting you will be the first of many more regrets to come
And he said if she doesn’t call than it’s her fault and it’s her loss
I say it’s not that simple see but then again it just may be

I would be sad because you left me all alone
I would be sad for the lies that you had told me
I would be sad because I got left by a girl that I adore
I would be sad for all the love I had before
I would be sad for all the love I had before

‎"Day after day...give me clouds, and rain, and gray. Give me pain, if that's what's real. It's the price we pay to feel."

I saw the most amazing play last night. It's called "Next to Normal". I hadn't really heard of it before but my parents saw it last week and my professor in one of my classes was talking about it so I went on closing night and I can't remember the last time I loved a play so much. I keep thinking about it today. I'm sad it's not on Broadway anymore. The link explains what the play is about but really if you ever get a chance I'd highly recommend it. It's an interesting viewpoint of someone with a mental illness as well as addressing suicide and prescription drug problems.

Anyway it reminded me of this quote:

I think mental illness or madness can be an escape also. People don't develop a mental illness because they are in the happiest of situations usually. One doctor observed that it was rare when people were rich to become schizophrenic. If they were poor or didn't have too much money, then it was more likely. And this is natural, if things are very good, you can find satisfaction with the world as it is, as it seems to be. If things are not so good, you may be one to imagine something better.

I'm not gonna pretend I have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or any disorder that might have hallucinations or what not but as someone who does have depression and anxiety I really appreciated the fact that they said mental illnesses are like any other kind of physical illness if it goes untreated you could die. I have a lot of friends with depression and I know they're struggling and it makes me sad and worried about them. It's easy to say that life is hard and that it'll get better on it's own but sometimes that isn't always the case. Sometimes you need extra help, and I just want everyone to know that getting help isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. 

Anyway I don't know where that all came from but I think that's all for tonight.

tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

It's weird how slowly time goes by when you're waiting for a text message. And it kinda scares me how easy it is to slip back into old habits. And I'm kind of at the point where I stop feeling anything again. I always think I'll like that part but I never seem to. Sometimes I'd rather just be angry. Anger is easy. It blocks out pain too. You feel invincible and that whatever is bringing you down is insignificant, that you can handle it. But numbness, now that's something different altogether. You start crying and you don't know why. You just are crying. And the make up is stinging your eyes but you don't dare stop because who knows what else might happen after that. Who knows what else might try to seep out of you. And what else might be seeping in.
Hello depression, my old friend...as if I'm greeting an old classmate from school or something. Depression is definitely my enemy. It sits in the shadows of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness. I'll give it credit for that though, it has never truly left me alone. It's always waiting for it's time to shine...or darken I suppose. And I guess it found me again.

I think I've been pretty open that I have depression and if you didn't know that about me now you know. And it is something I have carried around with me for about 8 years. I've been trying my hardest to fight it but it's not working anymore. It's effecting my family and relationships. I just feel so alone and others would probably say I'm just desperate for attention and I guess that's true. Everyone has kind of abandoned me and no one knows how much help I need. I am hopefully starting therapy again soon and I'm scared but I want to get better and I owe it to all of you to do so so I can be a good friend to you again.

So please just bear with me for awhile. I'm trying as hard as I can even though it may not seem like it :/


Thanks. I love you all.

post secret.

I cried for 2 hours after breaking our relationship on facebook. I guess that's not a secret anymore.

don't forget me i beg, i remember you said sometimes it lasts in love but sometimes it hurts instead

If I could possibly write something right now I would.

No I'm not really okay, thanks for asking. But if you see me you'll have no idea.

he's just not that into me

Don't be flattered that he misses you.  He  should miss you.  You're deeply missable.  However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you.  Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us.  I understand.  What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone?  It's validating.  It's exciting.  It's irresistible.  But resist you must.

Cut your losses and don't waste your time .  Why stay in some weird dating limbo when you can move on to what will surely be better territory? Don't want to hear it?  Fine.  Here's the answer you're looking for, "Hang in there, baby.  He's not the loser everybody's telling you he is.  If you wait and keep your mouth shut and call at exactly the right time and anticipate his moods and have no expectations about communication or your own sexual needs, you can have him!"  But please don't be surprised if he dumps you or continues to drag you through a completely unsatisfying relationship.

My friends all say I should stop talking to him, but I think he misses me, and I like that.  I miss him.  I feel if I stay in touch with him, it will remind him of how great I am, and eventually he will realize that we should be together again. A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves.  If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.  Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision.  Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

God this book is so true. I seriously feel like someone wrote it just for me sometimes. I think this is like my 4th time reading it too and it hurts and it's hard to read sometimes because you really are convinced that this person really loved you, but I guess he didn't.

i won't rescue you to just desert me.

i've never loved anyone more than i love you. nobody. not him, not anyone.

The truth is, sometimes I just don't sleep. I guess you could say I have insomnia or something. I prefer to think of it as sometimes my brain has too much to think about and just won't settle down to give me a break. But in any case, it's 4 am here in Salt Lake City, Utah and once again I'm here alone.

I've been a mess lately and I attribute a lot of it to not writing anymore. I say that a lot but then I get back in the same habits or not writing every night like I used to. I really do need to try to work on this. I started writing on my private blog again and it helps immensely. If you're lucky maybe I'll give you a link, but maybe not. Like I said, it's private.

I don't really know what to say here anymore. I can't really say what I need to say because I don't want to hurt the people who read this but I guess I'll just say this, I'm really hurting right now and I don't really know how to fix it. There's one person who could make it all a lot easier but I don't know if they'll help me out...so I'm sort of at a loss. I need to talk to them about it I suppose.

Also, I wrote down some of my secrets and realized that they have to remain secrets. Except one...that I put as the title of this post...

I guess that's it. Hello 4 am...how I hate you so much...

dsfdshregfd

I have these meltdowns probably once a month. I think I bottle things up a lot. I've somehow gotten it into my head that showing weakness is probably the worst thing a person can do. So I keep everything inside me. I'm a very sensitive person too so eventually (about once a month) it all hits me and I either start hyperventilating and freaking out or crying and getting really depressed. It scares me when I get like this and I continually tell myself I need to be stronger and keep bottling these things up but the cup always spills over and I can't undo it once it happens. The flood gates open I guess you could say. And I guess that's what's been going on the past couple of days and I can't stop it and it's scaring me. I feel so fragile and I hate it and I feel like a burden and annoyance to everyone around me. I don't know how to not be like this though :/

ramblings

Loneliness is creeping up on me again. I should probably just sleep and let the silence put things back the way they should be. I think something's wrong with me physically and it's making me freak out emotionally. I need to just calm the hell down for awhile but it's really hard for me to do that :/ I don't know what's wrong with me lately and I really wish I did. I wish I had someone to talk to about it.

when there is nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

The soap here smells like Froot Loops, it's a little bit off-putting when you're in the shower. Luckily for me, my thoughts tend to be so scattered and random at all times anyway so it doesn't phase me for long. I've had a lot of different thoughts running through my mind lately though. I suppose it's natural after losing someone but I've been thinking about death a lot. My grandpa died about a week and a half ago and I guess that just makes you feel a lot more mortal. I suppose it's funny how things work out because the job I got recently fell through and I was able to drive out to California with my parents and sister to go to his funeral. I'm really glad I had that opportunity because I got to learn a lot more about my grandpa than I knew. He was such a great and inspiring man and I am so grateful to be related to someone so incredible. Military funerals are amazing by the way, and I'm so thankful to those who have served our country.
So I guess I've lost a lot these past couple weeks, but in the end I think I've learned lessons from each thing and I know it will all work out in the end. Here's hoping I land a new job soon and don't have to attend any more funerals for a very long time.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm a defective human being and perhaps there's another me somewhere else that's doing much better with my characteristics and personality flaws than I could ever begin to. I kinda hope there is actually. It'd be nice to know that someone can make this work. I've had a very long past couple of days. A lot of things have gone wrong and I guess that's what always happens when you start feeling good about things right?

---

Well I started that entry on June 2nd and I think things are getting a bit better. Summer isn't my best time for blogging I've come to notice. A lot has happened since I last wrote. It seems to be a recurring thing that the times when I need to write the most seem to be when I have the least motivation. It never used to be that way and hopefully I can break through this mental block. Honestly I have been thinking a lot about how much my writing has suffered lately. I can pinpoint it to a singular event too and I know I need to get past it, it's just really difficult. This past semester I had a professor who was a real douche. There's really not a better way to put it, but in short he basically ruined my confidence and made me feel like a terrible writer. I guess I've just been second guessing everything since. Maybe I'll feel better now that I've got that out into the open but it's been weighing on my mind for some time.

I'll try to update this a little bit more this week while I'm on vacation, I just thought I'd post this blog that I started a week or so ago.

Love you all, thanks for caring.

i need you so much closer.

So my birthday was yesterday and stuff and it was great but these past two days have been dragging on forever. It probably has something to do with the fact that I only got 5 hours of sleep last night or something but it mostly has to do with the fact that like my picture says, time goes by slower when you miss the one you love. I am pathetically listening to "Halfway Around the World" by A*Teens on repeat at the moment. I know, you all should probably unfollow me right now. How embarrassing.

It's also been weird to me thinking about how easily one can fall into old habits. It's weird how a time of year, a room, a smell, can take you back to a memory. I'm trying to avoid it and probably will I'm just slightly vulnerable at the moment.

I don't even know why I write here anymore haha. Whatever.

eight days.

I reached an all-time low the other day. Sitting in my car alone with my Chick-fil-A on my lap listening to Adele in a parking lot. I have a feeling there will be a lot more of these nights this week while my boyfriend is in Greece. Sooo you should all probably hang out with me to prevent me from becoming an obese recluse. I promise I'm still pretty fun, but I can't promise I won't talk about Patrick a lot.

Oh and my birthday is tomorrow if I need to guilt you into it further. Bahaha. But really. Please distract me from this. He just called me from the plane to tell me he was gonna miss me and he's really leaving. I'm sad already :(

nostalgia

Sooo I was watching the Graduation episode of One Tree Hill (which is never a good idea because I am always so sad afterwards) annnnnnnd I remembered this song. It makes me cry EVERY single time... so I'm warning you now.

may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows...

It's funny how a song can bring you back to a moment so quickly. One minute you can be driving home on a warmish night and a song comes on and you're instantly transported back to another time, which is what happened to me tonight. I was driving home and looking over the Salt Lake valley and I heard this song come on and a smile spread across my face as last summer all came back to me. Driving on the freeway at one in the morning blasting this song. Laughing at our inside jokes...breaking into Chelsea's house when she was on vacation. It all seemed so surreal and I realized how much of my life I will never experience again. Memories that are just that, memories. It wasn't really a sad realization either. It was just that a realization. We're not the people we were last summer. This song is the same but we're very different now and holding your hand driving through the canyon to our special spot will never happen again and I am perfectly okay with that. You went your way and I went mine and it seems so strange that two people who used to be so intertwined and so convinced they could last forever could now be strangers and act as if we hadn't been those people we were last summer. It kind of scares me a little bit. The way things are now could be completely different in a year and I expect them to be. It makes me wonder who will be a stranger next year and who will still be beside me and if I could do anything to stop them from leaving or if they'll be gone because they chose to or had to be. It's all very strange when you actually think about it. And all the people you have yet to meet or had no idea you'd ever be hanging out with in the future. It's all very weird and life seems crazy sometimes but I guess that's the only thing in life you can count on...change.