& it feels like i am just too close to love you

"Be happy". That's all I've ever wanted for you, I wanted to add but didn't.
I'm going to write a book of my life because if I ever told anyone all of this crap no one would believe it. I'd start on it now but if I'm going to be writing anything it should probably be one of the 4 papers that I need to write by the end of the month. Yikes. It's tough when your passion directly interferes with school. My art and my lifeline gets pushed aside because I get so drained writing other things but meh. I should do a life update or something that other bloggers do I guess. I have a new job, I have about a month left of school, I have about a month until I'm 21, and I am home on a Friday night.
Lately I've been fixing things with people. I am now back in contact with all the people that were huge parts of my life last year. But now everything is so different. I was so happy then and I am so happy now but in completely different ways. I think I am finally pretty sure of who I am yet at the same time I feel lost. It's hard to be who you really are when your loved ones want something different for you. Or just one specific loved one. It's also weird to be completely single. I am surrounded by people who are just starting a new relationship, working on mending a broken one, or starting the rest of their lives together and I am just...me. Alone. And it's okay, usually, but sometimes it makes me anxious. Everyone has found their someone except me. And it's weird. I am always infatuated with someone and now I just have this empty feeling. I guess this is the downside of moving on. I do have hope though. I know it'll happen someday, it just seems so far away right now...

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

let's skip the charades.

I feel like I should write something here but I don't know what. It's been a pretty boring Sunday night and I am done with all my homework that I need to get done immediately so here I am. My iPhone has a broken lock button so I might have to get it replaced tomorrow so I've been backing up stuff and in my notes I have some blog ideas/writing that has popped into my head when I haven't been able to write it down. Here's one of those quotes:

I was never a girl that sat on the sidelines of love. I jumped right in, guns ablaze. I won't say it hasn't hurt me or broken my heart sometimes seemingly beyond repair but at least I know what love is. And that is; something worth fighting for.

I am not sure when I wrote that now. Within the past few months I guess but it's still completely true. And I hope that everyone who reads my blog knows that too. Love is always worth the pain you go through to get it. I have never regretted falling for anyone or the memories I have shared with them. So don't be afraid to make a fool of yourself. Tell someone how you feel. Make the first move. Do something. You never know if maybe they're hoping you will.

your ex lover is dead.

It's been an eventful weekend. I love where I am in life right now. And I love that no matter what happens to me and no matter how bad life seems it always bounces back. There is never any time or any situation that lasts forever. And even though it may be sad that it's true for unbelievable happiness as well, the dark times don't last forever. And I hope anyone reading this that is in a dark place knows that it will get better again. It has to. It's the way the world works.

I can't wait for summer. I know it's still February but I am so excited. It's funny to think of the person I was last year or even last fall. I have come so far since then. I truly know who I am and I truly love it. And the cool thing about finding out who you are and loving it is it's so much easier. Everything is easier. You make friends easier, people like you better because they get to know the real you! And if they don't like it then find someone else who does. It really is simple. We complicate life so much when in reality you don't need to. Let go of people who don't love you and find people who do. There are all kinds of great people in the world that might be waiting for a friend like you.

Sorry I know I'm being ridiculously cheesy right now I am just blissfully happy. Everything happens for a reason. Fate and serendipity are watching over me. I know it. Things are falling in to place. And even though I'm really stressed with school right now and trying to get a job it's all gonna be okay. I know it. I'll get through it and if some things fall through the cracks it'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. In fact in a year I'm sure I'll be amazed at how far I've come again...these challenges are a part of life and I welcome them.

Seriously so happy right now. Just kinda feel like telling everyone I know and giving everyone hugs. I love all my friends and I am so grateful to the ones that have stayed by my side and the new ones I've been making along the way. 

Yes you can judge me for loving Katy Perry's new song. Also the lyrics in this video are kinda off but really this song makes me happy and I blast it in my car and belt it out. So judge away, I'm happy.

somebody that i used to know.

I've been trying to write this blog post in my head for days now and I still haven't perfected it. This is my first attempt at actually typing out what I want to say so hopefully it all comes together.

It's been an interesting year.

For some reason, February is the time where I reflect the most on my life. I think it's because I realized that February is always when I meet people who change my life completely. This year is no different but first I'm going to reflect for a moment. I've needed to move on from someone for awhile now. Moving on has never been my strong suit; I always guard my heart so when I give it to someone I give it completely. Because of this it's hard for me to accept the fact when I'm wrong about a person and my heart gets broken. I am not quick to trust anyone so it's a big deal when I fall in love. This makes it pretty damn hard for me when I have to fall out of love and it takes me even longer. I'm sure that's pretty normal for most people but for me it seems nearly impossible. I'm not trying to place blame on him or anything like that. I have accepted the way things ended between us and I'm finally in a place where I can look back on our memories and it doesn't hurt. I won't say I don't miss the times we shared together but we're two different people now. I'd love to be his friend again but he doesn't seem to want that from me which is fine and I respect that. I can finally say that for the first time in months that I honestly know I'm going to be okay. Memory lane is a place I still visit from time to time but I don't live there anymore. Yes I made that up and yes you can use it ;)

Moving on is fun though. Even though it's terrifying and you never know what lies around the corner that's half the fun of it. You know what's behind you and you know what you're leaving and even though that's safe and comfortable it's not necessarily happier. And maybe happier is just within your reach, you just have to be willing to risk it. It's time to feel things again.

this will blow over in time.

It's weird how a song can bring you back to a moment. I've talked about it before, but it never ceases to amaze me. Because right now I'm in your car. And we're driving around. Doing something stupid, like buying a lava lamp on a gray afternoon in May. Your hand is out the window, and this song comes on so you turn it up. It's one of your top 3 favorite bands ever. Just one of those stupid things that I still remember after all this time...but I digress. And now I'm listening to it here. Six months later. In my room while writing a final paper for a class that was the furthest thing from my mind.
And the truth is, I don't miss you at all. Well, I suppose that's a lie. I will always be in love with that boy who gave me a glimpse of his heart, which is more than most can say I assure you. But we are different people than we were merely six months ago. We have both changed and been altered by each other I'd like to think. In fact, I'd even be so bold to say we are strangers.

I don't know you anymore and you sure as hell don't know me. 

we were all in love, and we all got hurt.

I guess I should say something here again ha. So it's Labor Day which means summer is officially over. I am spending my Labor Day being extremely ill with the flu that just won't quit! Woo. I guess that's a sign of fall eh? Also the fact that I am looking up Halloween costumes though I have no idea what my plans will be that night yet. Another happy fall-related thing is Pumpkin Spice Lattes come back tomorrow! So excited!!

But anyway maybe I'll have a deep moment for a second here.

It always amazes me after a break up how weird it is that certain small things are the same. I think I blogged about this last time too. But it's still weird to me. Like knowing things about that person even though they're pretty much a stranger. Like my ex boyfriend is allergic to bees or can only have the volume on an even number or a number ending in 5. There's tons of those little things in my mind that I know about him and that I'm sure haven't changed since we've been apart even though everything else has. I'm sure he knows things about me too but it's just weird for me to think about.

I start therapy again on Wednesday. It'll be interesting. I'm pretty nervous but kind of excited. Which is weird I guess ha. I don't know.

I'm watching this show about how pop culture saved America. It's all about 9/11 and it's so interesting. It's making me really sad, I'm basically crying. I'm so grateful for this country that we live in even though I feel like leaving it more often than not I'm always so happy to come home.

This got really random really fast ha. I guess I'll just end it here.

Happy Labor Day.

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

reunited.

I've been sitting here staring at this blank page trying my hardest to figure out a way to start this entry. I think I just have to dive in. I guess after awhile of missing someone you start to get used to that feeling that something is missing until you see them again. Especially when it's someone who used to be such a big part of your life. I had coffee with my former best friend Jane yesterday and I still kind of can't believe it. I don't really know what more to say about it except that it's weird how there's some people that I think you never really lose a connection with. It was a little bit awkward at first and we've both changed a bit but we still have a bond and I could tell she still really cares about me. Hopefully we'll be able to rekindle our friendship even more over the next couple months while she's home.

We also got mistaken for these two like old times. Ha!

hopeful

This was my favorite secret this week. I hope it doesn't remain a secret. I'm sure Alyssa would love to know how much her boyfriend supports her. Depression is something that I struggle with and have struggled with since I was diagnosed in 7th grade, it's ridiculously hard to overcome and if I were Alyssa I'd want to know this.

feel free to ignore this.

This is gonna be a lame update. And possibly a whiny one at that butttt...there is one thing keeping me from...

It is this asinine paper that I'm supposed to be writing about something that makes absolutely no sense. I'm serious if you don't believe me google James Joyce's "Finnegans Wake" it's one of the worst things I've ever read, but if any of you can understand it and help me finish this damn paper I will take you out to dinner. But because this is the only thing standing in my way it is probably going to be the worst paper I've ever written because I am completely half-assing it and not trying at all. Besides I think my professor is on crack which sparked an interesting discussion (read: argument) with my ex boyfriend about it who seems to think my professor is a gift from God. I guess there's a reason we're not together anymore right? Right.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant about stupid things. In other news, I got my hair done today so I'm on a high from that. It always makes me feel so much better afterwards :) I also caught up with my neighbor Ashley while laying in the sun and playing with her dog so it was nice and tonight I'm supposed to go to the Cheesecake Factory with my cute family. So all in all despite my stupid paper hanging over my head, I am having a great Thursday! Sorry this wasn't anything thought provoking or what not I just am not really feeling that right now. I'll just get back to writing my paper and watching Grease...the real one. Although it's not nearly as good as the one my high school did, at least not nearly as hilarious.

pick me-up #6

Here's a little pick me-up for your Monday.

Right now…

1. A soldier of sorts is diligently fighting the fight so you don’t have to.
2. Someone who suffered from a severe injury last year is back on their feet.
3. A small group of people are building something that will soon make the impossible possible.
4. Somewhere on Earth a double rainbow is stretched from one end of the horizon to the other.
5. One of the next Billboard-chart-topping musical artists is patiently rehearsing in her garage.
6. A piece of literature is being written that will eventually change your perspective on life.
7. Young children all over the world are singing and dancing before they even realize there is anything that isn’t music.
8. A friend is helping a friend rise above thoughts of suicide.
9. Someone is thinking what you’re thinking, but hasn’t said anything yet either.
10. Two people in your hometown are falling in love.
11. Somewhere someone is admiring a breathtaking sunrise, and somewhere else a surreal sunset.
12. People of various religious backgrounds are in temples, churches, mosques and other places of worship praying, wholeheartedly, for world peace.
13. Someone who has struggled with their weight for the last several years is standing on a scale and smiling.
14. Hundreds of cute elderly couples are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
15. A baby girl just took her first few steps without falling.
16. Two best friends are laughing so hard they aren’t even making any noise.
17. A future world leader is in grade school at recess.
18. Someone is in the process of sincerely forgiving a seemingly unforgivable act.
19. There’s a kid studying hard somewhere who aspires to get to where you are in life.
20. A firefighter is running into a burning building to rescue a perfect stranger.
21. Someone in your vicinity genuinely wants to be your friend.
22. A young mom is lying in a hospital bed and holding her newborn baby twins for the very first time.
23. Someone is taking a shower and singing happily at the top of their lungs.
24. There is someone out there who smiles when they think of a specific moment they once shared with you.
25. An alcoholic just celebrated one full year of sobriety.
26. Volunteers in major cities all over the world are working at homeless shelters caring for those who are less fortunate than themselves.
27. A young man is pulled over on the side of the road helping a young woman change a flat tire.
28. A high school athlete just broke her own personal record.
29. Two teenagers just received their very first kiss ever from each other.
30. A husband and wife who were drowning in debt five years ago proudly hold a balance of zero on their credit cards.
31. Someone is hugging a friend who desperately needs it.
32. A new small business owner just wrapped up his first profitable year working for himself.
33. A grandfather is holding his granddaughter’s hand and they’re both smiling from ear to ear.
34. Someone just placed their spare change in the charity collection cup at the grocery store.
35. A small group of friends are sitting around a table sharing funny stories and cheerfully reminiscing about the good old days.
36. A breast cancer patient just found out her cancer is in complete remission.
37. Someone out there is missing you and looking forward to your next visit.
38. Honest people are working for various government entities to help protect your basic human rights and civil liberties.
39. An emergency room surgeon is in the middle of saving his patient’s life.
40. Someone is holding the door open for the person behind them.

Right now is a new beginning. Right now is an opportunity.

Do something extraordinary.

Source: marcandangel.com

pray for japan

By now, everyone knows about the tragedy that has happened in Japan. It breaks my heart watching all the news coverage of the thousands of people who lost their lives or are still missing. It's so sad watching this powerful country be so helpless.

We have to help them, they are our brothers and sisters.

sometimes it all works out.

Oh hey, does anyone remember how much I suck at blogging?

Actually, the truth is I only suck at blogging when I have a life. Which is great because that means I actually have a life right now.

Basically my days are spent daydreaming and wishing for spring break or at least days without pointless essays and confusing professors and my nights are spent with this adorable boy with beautiful blue eyes. Really, no one has prettier eyes than this kid. And every other moment is spent with too little sleep or laughing with my friends.

My life is fantastic. I am truly blessed.

quote of the week: updated

:):):)

The truth is, I honestly don't care about school anymore. At all. Not even a little bit. I know that is terrible to say but the motivation for me has completely fled. Instead I'm being completely consumed by something else and I wasn't even sure it was possible for me to be this happy.

I'm probably making a fool of myself and trusting too much which is actually really hard for me to do anymore but it just seems right.

sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

It’s been almost a week since I’ve updated which actually is weird for me haha and to think I used to never use this thing. Well like I said in my last post a lot of things happened and I’ve noticed some changes in myself. Still don’t wanna discuss it here and probably never will. I’ve been struggling the past 6 months and letting things go and finally realizing I deserve better than the way I’ve been treated has been like a weight lifting off of me. I don’t know what the future holds for me with that person and truthfully we probably will never speak again, and if that’s what happens I think I can finally accept that. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Anyway.

This past weekend was definitely a turning point for me though and I am so thankful and loving of those who I shared it with. It was one to remember ha.

And the quote of the week has been updated. I'm not sure if anyone has even noticed that yet but I update it every Monday :)

So...

A lot of stuff went down last night. I don't wanna go into it on the internet but basically I am finally starting over and moving on after 6 months.

Yeah I know that's ridiculous but hey at least I'm moving on now right?

I'm finally feeling the old strength that I used to have coming back to me and it feels great.

pick me-up #3

you’re the only thing I know like the back of my hand.

I don’t go out looking for these things.

I’d just like to say that right now. In fact, if anything I avoid them. I’d prefer not to see those almond shape eyes that have seemed to lost their luster over these dark months. But alas, you walked into the restaurant after a long day of avoiding you and there you were. Plain as day. Briefly meeting my eyes before I looked at my sister for confirmation that it really was you standing there. I admit I didn’t handle it as smoothly as I wanted to but I did the best I could. I had never expected you to show up there.

Perhaps you go looking for these things, and by things, I mean me.

first post of 2011

This is also incidentally my 101st blog post on this website. Crazyyy. Especially because most of them are really stupid ha.

Anyway, I could do the whole cliché thing of posting my new years resolutions but I highly doubt any of you care. Also, let’s be honest. It’s January 2nd, do you have any idea how many resolutions have already been broken? Probably a lot, I don’t know the exact number either haha.

I really do have some goals for myself though and I feel like I should put them in writing so I adhere to them a little bit. No one will comment on this anyway so here are the goals for 2011 and just life in general and beyond this year.

1. Exercise more. And by more I mean at all. I am thinking 3x a week. Trying to keep this realistic. Ha.

2. Be less emotionally charged. I am a sensitive (yet very strong and stubborn) person. I have a side of me that can get ugly if I am frustrated, upset, or overwhelmed and I know everyone does but I seem to be lashing out at people more and more and I really need to stop. I feel terrible and childish afterwards so I am really working on this now.

3. Get a job. I am trying so hard but it really has to happen now.

4. Find time to write and read more. Seriously, I am an English major failure.

I’d like to act like number 5 of my goals would be to successfully stop thinking about him. But I know that won’t happen. And in any case, I will begin seeing him on a regular basis so that will be interesting. Maybe we’ll finally get things right. I feel like there has to be a reason why we’re still so upset about things.

Enough about me, here is my wish for all of you this year.