i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.

sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes it hurts instead

Oh man. I do love Adele. I feel like you guys should all know that by now, but I digress.

Um, this has been the longest week of my ENTIRE life. Seriously. I feel like it's been month in one week. I keep saying that I've been so bored but I actually have been doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of my favorite people. I just keep looking for distractions I suppose and there just aren't enough distractions to keep me from missing him. Luckily for me Patrick is finally coming home tomorrow night! I'm sooo excited. I probably won't be able to see him til Sunday though so it's basically like another full day so meh. In other news, apparently the world is ending on Saturday so if that happens I'll never see him again. So my anxiety is kicking in. Nah, not really. There's no way the world is ending on Saturday. Crazy people. Seriously who comes up with this crap? Anyway you should all go see Bridesmaids cuz I saw it last night with my best friend Max and it was sooo funny. Seriously Kristen Wiig is hiiiilarious. No joke. Sorry I'm not really saying anything super interesting right now but like I said I've been effing bored this whole week and I really miss my best friend. Facebook messaging him twice a day is NOT enough. I text this kid 24/7 when he's home and I'm with him everyday. This has been insane for me haha. Yeah I probably sound like a drug addict but I'm just young and in love. That's all it is. Oh in other other news, I'm obsessed with my new iPhone. Except I really don't know how to use it to it's full capacity haha, it's smarter than me nbd. It's also white so that's cool. Haha.

Love you alllll. Leave me a comment for once in your freakin lives. You never know, the world might be ending it might be your last chance! ;)

feel free to ignore this.

This is gonna be a lame update. And possibly a whiny one at that butttt...there is one thing keeping me from...

It is this asinine paper that I'm supposed to be writing about something that makes absolutely no sense. I'm serious if you don't believe me google James Joyce's "Finnegans Wake" it's one of the worst things I've ever read, but if any of you can understand it and help me finish this damn paper I will take you out to dinner. But because this is the only thing standing in my way it is probably going to be the worst paper I've ever written because I am completely half-assing it and not trying at all. Besides I think my professor is on crack which sparked an interesting discussion (read: argument) with my ex boyfriend about it who seems to think my professor is a gift from God. I guess there's a reason we're not together anymore right? Right.
Anyway thanks for letting me rant about stupid things. In other news, I got my hair done today so I'm on a high from that. It always makes me feel so much better afterwards :) I also caught up with my neighbor Ashley while laying in the sun and playing with her dog so it was nice and tonight I'm supposed to go to the Cheesecake Factory with my cute family. So all in all despite my stupid paper hanging over my head, I am having a great Thursday! Sorry this wasn't anything thought provoking or what not I just am not really feeling that right now. I'll just get back to writing my paper and watching Grease...the real one. Although it's not nearly as good as the one my high school did, at least not nearly as hilarious.

fo realz.

I really really really do. Update more after this nightmare is over.

i'm gonna read this later and think i was possessed...

If anyone wants to tell me what the hell Pound is talking about in his stupid Cantos now would be the time.

Thankssss.

I'll update more later, I'm kind of on the downward spiral of a nervous breakdown. The extra energy has been fun but I definitely had zero focus and probably said the weirdest things possible. I guess I should've taken that crazy lady in my Modernism class's advice when she said you need to be slightly intoxicated to understand anything we read in that class. If only...

fake palindromes

My name is Sammy Smith.

I have blonde hair and blue eyes.

I am completely overwhelmed by this stupid paper I'm supposed to be writing right now so for some reason my mind keeps narrating itself in a stupid manner so I thought if I wrote on my blog maybe it would go away.

So far it hasn't.

I guess there's a couple other things stressing me out more than my paper, it's just that the paper seems to be the most prevalent issue at the moment so it's taking all the heat.

I randomly have the urge to say that I hate John Mayer and Jack Johnson. I know, something must be wrong with me but I've never liked those two and I swear everyone else my age does. I'd rather listen to Andrew Bird and Joshua Radin. I probably should've gone to Joshua Radin's concert now that I think about it but 22 dollars seems like a lot of money to me these days. My Wednesday night was rather interesting on it's own anyway...

I don't know where these thoughts are coming from. I wish my brain would shut up for two seconds so maybe I could come up with something intelligent but at the same time, I really don't think anyone in my Modernism class is particularly intelligent. They all seem like desperate wannabes who just say things they think my tries-too-hard professor wants to hear. Maybe if they said it in French they'd impress him otherwise...I don't know. Now I'm just being catty and I don't really mean that. I guess I'm just so overwhelmed.

I want to run way. Why am I even in college? I don't know.

you used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.

I should probably actually write something here instead of putting random images and curse words in to convey what I’m feeling. I guess honestly I’ve been running and trying to ignore all the feelings that have been brought up this week.

I haven’t had this much of an emotional week in a long time. It’s been hard and only because of one person. Which in the scheme of things is a little bit ridiculous. Especially because it’s a person who shouldn’t really have any effect on me at all anymore.

I don’t know what I even expected from him. He hasn’t said a word to me, probably has hardly looked at me. Yet I am just so aware of him. All the time. It’s like when he’s around me my senses go into overdrive and every sound is louder, every color richer, and every movement more pronounced. The butterflies still come every time too. I start to get nervous the night before and by the time I’m driving to school I feel so nauseous that I wonder where I could possibly vomit in my car. I manage to keep it under control but I don’t know. I feel like it’s inevitable that we’ll have to talk to each other at some point. I feel like I should ask if we can ever be okay but at the same time, I don’t know why I feel like I should be the one to ask. He’s the one who broke this. I should be the one who hates him. I do hate him most of the time and honestly he deserves it.

And I get to see him again in…9ish hours. Fantastic.

seventy times 7.

Excuse the language but seriously?

I mean, I kinda prepared myself for this but no. Seeing him was like an out of body experience and I still want to throw up. I don't think I should be this upset about seeing him anymore. I don't think he should be that upset about seeing me anymore. Where did we go wrong in the world of exes? I have no idea. I don't know how I'm going to last though. Bleh.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/brandnew/seventytimes7.html

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/taylorswift/mean.html

Read those. Then you'll know what I feel like. Ha.