even the sun sets on paradise.

I'm a terrible writer. On account of the fact that I don't do it anymore. I don't write. Which is a pretty big fail. If I'm being truthful, it's because I'm afraid. I have purposefully been avoiding writing for about a week now, even though I know it could probably help me the most. A lot has happened and even though I only turned 21 a week and a half ago, I feel like I've aged immensely. I don't want to talk about it though. Like I said I've been avoiding it. And I honestly will probably never discuss it on a blog. So...there's that. My life has become pretty routine really. I work 20ish hours a week but I feel like it's all I do. That and watching shows on Netflix. It's not bad really. I spend a lot of money on clothes too. And I really do need to invest in a new laptop. That's the main reason why I don't blog actually. My old one stays on for like 20 min then goes to hell and restarts itself with some crazy error message. Then it works fine, ha. It's weird. I am going to buy one though so don't worry. I just need to save up a couple hundred more dollars. I had lunch with my old neighbor from Utah State today. It was completely random but good to see him again haha. It's funny how much people can change but still stay the same.

& it feels like i am just too close to love you

"Be happy". That's all I've ever wanted for you, I wanted to add but didn't.
I'm going to write a book of my life because if I ever told anyone all of this crap no one would believe it. I'd start on it now but if I'm going to be writing anything it should probably be one of the 4 papers that I need to write by the end of the month. Yikes. It's tough when your passion directly interferes with school. My art and my lifeline gets pushed aside because I get so drained writing other things but meh. I should do a life update or something that other bloggers do I guess. I have a new job, I have about a month left of school, I have about a month until I'm 21, and I am home on a Friday night.
Lately I've been fixing things with people. I am now back in contact with all the people that were huge parts of my life last year. But now everything is so different. I was so happy then and I am so happy now but in completely different ways. I think I am finally pretty sure of who I am yet at the same time I feel lost. It's hard to be who you really are when your loved ones want something different for you. Or just one specific loved one. It's also weird to be completely single. I am surrounded by people who are just starting a new relationship, working on mending a broken one, or starting the rest of their lives together and I am just...me. Alone. And it's okay, usually, but sometimes it makes me anxious. Everyone has found their someone except me. And it's weird. I am always infatuated with someone and now I just have this empty feeling. I guess this is the downside of moving on. I do have hope though. I know it'll happen someday, it just seems so far away right now...

alabama, arkansas...

I listened to that song.
And I let every note and every line consume me. I let it fill the cracks and the holes that I had long forgotten about. And for a moment it wasn't our song anymore. It was a song that I had listened to many times before you had been in the picture. It was a song that I listened to with my best friend Sarah while we drove to the U for our first week of school. Brand new transfer students at the tail end of summer. It had nothing to do with you. You and the song were finally separate entities. And I don't know why it took me so long to separate you from stupid things like that but it did. And I guess I realized a lot of it tonight. As one of my closest friends was crying and telling me about her broken heart and my heart ached because I knew exactly how she felt. But of course you can't say that, because a broken heart feels like such a solitary horrific feeling. But she kept asking me questions.
"What if she doesn't come back?"
they were words that always echoed in my mind too. The scariest question I ever thought of, I think. What if he doesn't come back? It was only now that I realized why that question was so terrifying to me was because I knew there was a part of me that believed he wouldn't come back. A part of me had already surrendered. Hope was gone, a part of me had given up. And yet, the even more terrifying side is the side that believed that he would. That maybe, just maybe if I said the right thing or called him at the right time he would suddenly realized I was perfect for him and we could fix things.
And it's weird to be on the other side of it now. To have to tell your beautiful hopeless best friend that her girlfriend of almost 2 years still loved her and have her not believe you. Of course she still loves her I thought, it's so obvious. But to her it's not. And I know how that feels too. Because when someone breaks your heart it makes you feel like an idiot. That you should've seen it coming and hell, maybe you did. Maybe you had even considered breaking it off yourself but you didn't. But it doesn't really matter because once someone tells you they don't want to be with you, or they need time, or they need a break your world is different.
It took me a long time to get to this point. To finally feel over him and be healed. I don't know where I'd be without my friends that helped me so much. I don't know where I'd be without my amazing therapist who helped me realize that the mistakes I've made and the choices I've made do not define me. They have shaped my future and changed me, but they're not who I am. I still have control over my future and I have learned so much. I still wish I could fix things, but I know that even if I can't I'll be okay with that. I'm so happy where I am right now. I finally feel like things are falling in to place for me. I have amazing friends, a wonderful family, an education, and a new job. I may not have a boyfriend or anything but I know that fate will take care of me. It always has in the past.

your ex lover is dead.

It's been an eventful weekend. I love where I am in life right now. And I love that no matter what happens to me and no matter how bad life seems it always bounces back. There is never any time or any situation that lasts forever. And even though it may be sad that it's true for unbelievable happiness as well, the dark times don't last forever. And I hope anyone reading this that is in a dark place knows that it will get better again. It has to. It's the way the world works.

I can't wait for summer. I know it's still February but I am so excited. It's funny to think of the person I was last year or even last fall. I have come so far since then. I truly know who I am and I truly love it. And the cool thing about finding out who you are and loving it is it's so much easier. Everything is easier. You make friends easier, people like you better because they get to know the real you! And if they don't like it then find someone else who does. It really is simple. We complicate life so much when in reality you don't need to. Let go of people who don't love you and find people who do. There are all kinds of great people in the world that might be waiting for a friend like you.

Sorry I know I'm being ridiculously cheesy right now I am just blissfully happy. Everything happens for a reason. Fate and serendipity are watching over me. I know it. Things are falling in to place. And even though I'm really stressed with school right now and trying to get a job it's all gonna be okay. I know it. I'll get through it and if some things fall through the cracks it'll be fine. It's not the end of the world. In fact in a year I'm sure I'll be amazed at how far I've come again...these challenges are a part of life and I welcome them.

Seriously so happy right now. Just kinda feel like telling everyone I know and giving everyone hugs. I love all my friends and I am so grateful to the ones that have stayed by my side and the new ones I've been making along the way. 

Yes you can judge me for loving Katy Perry's new song. Also the lyrics in this video are kinda off but really this song makes me happy and I blast it in my car and belt it out. So judge away, I'm happy.

‎"Day after day...give me clouds, and rain, and gray. Give me pain, if that's what's real. It's the price we pay to feel."

I saw the most amazing play last night. It's called "Next to Normal". I hadn't really heard of it before but my parents saw it last week and my professor in one of my classes was talking about it so I went on closing night and I can't remember the last time I loved a play so much. I keep thinking about it today. I'm sad it's not on Broadway anymore. The link explains what the play is about but really if you ever get a chance I'd highly recommend it. It's an interesting viewpoint of someone with a mental illness as well as addressing suicide and prescription drug problems.

Anyway it reminded me of this quote:

I think mental illness or madness can be an escape also. People don't develop a mental illness because they are in the happiest of situations usually. One doctor observed that it was rare when people were rich to become schizophrenic. If they were poor or didn't have too much money, then it was more likely. And this is natural, if things are very good, you can find satisfaction with the world as it is, as it seems to be. If things are not so good, you may be one to imagine something better.

I'm not gonna pretend I have bipolar disorder or schizophrenia or any disorder that might have hallucinations or what not but as someone who does have depression and anxiety I really appreciated the fact that they said mental illnesses are like any other kind of physical illness if it goes untreated you could die. I have a lot of friends with depression and I know they're struggling and it makes me sad and worried about them. It's easy to say that life is hard and that it'll get better on it's own but sometimes that isn't always the case. Sometimes you need extra help, and I just want everyone to know that getting help isn't a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. 

Anyway I don't know where that all came from but I think that's all for tonight.

the obligatory first week of school post

So I survived another first week of school. Admittedly, I've had worse first weeks of school, but I've also definitely had better. I reallllllly like my classes though. I love my professors, so already we're off to a much better start than last semester. I haven't met my Adolescent Lit prof yet because he canceled class this week but I have only heard good things about him and I could not be more excited for that class. So all in all I think I gave myself a pretty fun semester minus a few of the things that stressed me out this week I really have a lot to be thankful for.

In other news my bff/neighbor Sarah Marshall is getting married super soon and it's crazy. I am so happy for her though Max is a great guy and I know they'll be very happy together :)

I also saw the movie One Day this week and it was really good but so sad! I won't spoil it for people who haven't seen it but it's a pretty good one. I cried.

In other other news I don't really know what to say. I need to start writing something better again, this much I know. I just feel like people who read this blog can't handle the other side of me.

i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

Oh hi. Yeah I still suck at blogging.

Here's some things I love lately:

Astrology

So I've always been intrigued by astrology but my bff Josh White has gotten me more into it (as well as most of my friends). It's hilarious, we have these deep cons about how our signs are the best and how we interact with each other. They may not be worth basing your whole life off of or anything but they're pretty interesting and can seem surprisingly accurate at times.

Dear Photograph

I don't know if you guys have heard of this website but I recently found it and I think it's sooo cool/cute/awesome. Basically you take a picture of yourself holding a picture. If that doesn't make any sense then you should check it out and see for yourself haha.

Listening to songs with amazing lyrics that I used to love

Yeah this one is weirdly specific but I recently started listening to some old bands that I used to be obsessed with back in middle school and their lyrics are still amazing. I will always love Brand New, Something Corporate, and Bright Eyes. Also Panic! At the Disco's first album is pretty great to blast in your car when you're feeling a little angry hahaha.

Bingo

Nuff said. Also I'm totes doing that college bingo when school starts. Ha.

Love Culture

I was looking for new places to buy cute clothes for school and happened upon this website! I had never heard of it before but it's super cute and they have a store opening at City Creek in 2012! Yay. I bought the cardigan above and also another striped cardigan. I'm a sucker for them what can I say?

Cheers.

we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I don't feel like writing. So this is for you. I think it sums up some of my emotions over the past week.

stolen from jill.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to 10 Different People (but don't say their name):
1. I wish I could do more to help you. You've been such a good friend to me and you don't deserve all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life.
2. I think you're an idiot. I wish you never pushed me away. I feel like the only person in the world who wants to help you and you're denying yourself of it. You've brought this upon yourself. I still love you though, despite everything. I wish I knew you still cared. I wish you'd talk to me. You broke your promise. You ended up just like him.
3. I miss you. You were my best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I've really needed you these past few weeks but I've been too afraid to reach out. I'm too afraid that you'll leave me again.
4. I really wish you weren't doing this. I know you think it'll make you happy, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me.
5. I meant it when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been there with me through so much and I think we've always had a special bond...I guess you knew that too. I'm still shocked about everything but the fact that it's you makes it a lot less scary.
6. I know you worry about me, but I promise I'm going to be fine. I'm still the same girl you always knew, now I just get to be honest.
7. I'm so glad we're friends. You make me laugh like no other and we've gotten really close really quickly. I know you feel the same way about me and it's fantastic. I think we'll be friends for a long time. If we can get through all this we can get through anything.
8. You annoy the living hell out of me.
9. I hate your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up together, please you're so much better than that.
10. I probably take our friendship for granted a lot but you've always been there for me. More so than anyone else, even when I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or because I can't sleep. Thanks for being so sweet.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I am left handed.
2. I'm lactose intolerant but believe ice cream is always worth the pain.
3. Taurus and proud.
4. I would love to run away and not tell a soul.
5. I want to be a cat that lives in a bookstore in my next life.
6. I've kissed eleven people.
7. I could eat Thai, Indian, and sushi for every meal and be extremely happy.
8. London is my favorite city.
9. I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Honesty.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Endless conversations.
4. Proving that you'll stick around.
5. Going on fun/spontaneous/random/awesome adventures.
6. The little things (ie holding my hand, i love yous, compliments)
7. Letting me meet your family and friends. It means a lot.
8. Not giving up on me when I'm stubborn.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. You.
2. Money.
3. Traveling.
4. My family and friends.
5. Naps.
6. How much I want another dog.
7. Song lyrics.

Six Things I Do Before Falling Asleep
1. Put pajamas on.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Take make up off.
4. Check facebook and twitter.
5. Text.
6. Think about stuff and hope that I can fall asleep that night.

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Katy
2. My parents.
3. The rest of my family.
4. My Georgey Shore family
5. My other amazing friends.

Four Things I'm Wearing:
1. Pink and white striped shirt I got for my birthday.
2. Jean shorts.
3. Silver bow earrings.
4. Socks.

Three Songs I Listen to Often (this summer):
1. Fools Like Me - Vanessa Carlton
2. She (For Liz) - Parachute
3. Wayy too many Taylor Swift songs

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. See the Northern Lights while in a hot tub.
2. Live on the coast of Maine

One Confession:
1. 

i love when jersey shore comes back...

Because then this happens:

Also this happens:

and this

Sorry I have sucked at updating lately...I've been super busy. I'd tell you the details but yeah not really blog worthy. Anyway I'm off to see a movie with my two cute Leo boys, I'll give you a better update later I promise.

Ciao bitches.

reunited.

I've been sitting here staring at this blank page trying my hardest to figure out a way to start this entry. I think I just have to dive in. I guess after awhile of missing someone you start to get used to that feeling that something is missing until you see them again. Especially when it's someone who used to be such a big part of your life. I had coffee with my former best friend Jane yesterday and I still kind of can't believe it. I don't really know what more to say about it except that it's weird how there's some people that I think you never really lose a connection with. It was a little bit awkward at first and we've both changed a bit but we still have a bond and I could tell she still really cares about me. Hopefully we'll be able to rekindle our friendship even more over the next couple months while she's home.

We also got mistaken for these two like old times. Ha!

hi, i suck at blogging...

sorry.

Really though...I am sorry I haven't been updating this as regularly as you have all grown accustomed to. Although, that being said, I had 3 comments on my last entry because I wasn't updating as much so HA! I beat the system...or something...

Well let's do a quick life update from when we last spoke shall we? Okay here we go. Patrick came home from Greece! Yay! It was a joyous reunion. We spent a lot of time together and he gave me presents! But him being back was the best present of all. (end sappiness).

I also got a job! Finally! After a year of searching my lovely pal Rachel hooked me up with a receptionist job at a salon. She also works there too but sadly we won't ever work together because they only need one receptionist at a time. But it's all good! So most of my week was basically me training and trying to figure it all out. I sound like an idiot but it actually is kinda difficult at once and my anxiety kinda kicks in and I really don't wanna mess up anyone's schedules! But I'll get the hang of it I'm sure...

So that brings us to this weekend. I have been in sunny St George/Las Vegas since Thursday and it has been well...great and boring. Vegas was really fun because we got a lot of shopping done and ate delicious food and what not but St George has been super boring. I got some sun by the pool yesterday and I guess I missed a lot of spots with sunblock because I'm pretty burned. Seriously, it's embarrassing. Like my left foot is burned and a little patch before my hairline. I look like a fool. Umm...yeah other than that it's been super boring down here and I've just been missing my friends a lot. Especially because the last time I was in St George they were all with me and by comparison it has not been even close to the same!

Anyway, sorry this was kinda a boring life update blog. I'll try to be more artsy and thoughtful at some point but now is not the time. Love you all.

may the best of your todays be the worst of your tomorrows...

It's funny how a song can bring you back to a moment so quickly. One minute you can be driving home on a warmish night and a song comes on and you're instantly transported back to another time, which is what happened to me tonight. I was driving home and looking over the Salt Lake valley and I heard this song come on and a smile spread across my face as last summer all came back to me. Driving on the freeway at one in the morning blasting this song. Laughing at our inside jokes...breaking into Chelsea's house when she was on vacation. It all seemed so surreal and I realized how much of my life I will never experience again. Memories that are just that, memories. It wasn't really a sad realization either. It was just that a realization. We're not the people we were last summer. This song is the same but we're very different now and holding your hand driving through the canyon to our special spot will never happen again and I am perfectly okay with that. You went your way and I went mine and it seems so strange that two people who used to be so intertwined and so convinced they could last forever could now be strangers and act as if we hadn't been those people we were last summer. It kind of scares me a little bit. The way things are now could be completely different in a year and I expect them to be. It makes me wonder who will be a stranger next year and who will still be beside me and if I could do anything to stop them from leaving or if they'll be gone because they chose to or had to be. It's all very strange when you actually think about it. And all the people you have yet to meet or had no idea you'd ever be hanging out with in the future. It's all very weird and life seems crazy sometimes but I guess that's the only thing in life you can count on...change.

about that...

The truth is, there aren't enough hours in the day for everything I want to do or need to get done or for all the time I want to spend with you.

I guess I've recently required a life. It's been funny. I've gone all these years and all this time without one and somehow gotten by. I have a group of friends that I mostly hang out with now which is a pleasant change and a sweet boyfriend that makes me chai tea at 2 in the morning and helps move tree branches out of my yard on his Saturday afternoons.

I don't really know what else to say. Things have been seemingly perfect on the surface but I suppose there are a lot of things that are brewing under my happy exterior. It's been tough, and I guess I still struggle with letting people in and sharing some of my feelings with people. I just take so many things upon myself and don't know how to ask for help until I'm piled up under everything and I break down. I guess that's something I still need to work on.

In any case, it is almost summer and I desperately need a job. I'm waiting to hear back from an interview I had last week and I'm hoping it comes through otherwise things are going to get really bad.

In all honesty though my life is really good right now and I am extremely happy. I feel like I belong here and all the people I know are meant to be in my life right now. It's a nice feeling.

two. words.

More updates to come :]

sometimes it all works out.

Oh hey, does anyone remember how much I suck at blogging?

Actually, the truth is I only suck at blogging when I have a life. Which is great because that means I actually have a life right now.

Basically my days are spent daydreaming and wishing for spring break or at least days without pointless essays and confusing professors and my nights are spent with this adorable boy with beautiful blue eyes. Really, no one has prettier eyes than this kid. And every other moment is spent with too little sleep or laughing with my friends.

My life is fantastic. I am truly blessed.

quote of the week: updated

sometimes you just have to cut your losses.

It’s been almost a week since I’ve updated which actually is weird for me haha and to think I used to never use this thing. Well like I said in my last post a lot of things happened and I’ve noticed some changes in myself. Still don’t wanna discuss it here and probably never will. I’ve been struggling the past 6 months and letting things go and finally realizing I deserve better than the way I’ve been treated has been like a weight lifting off of me. I don’t know what the future holds for me with that person and truthfully we probably will never speak again, and if that’s what happens I think I can finally accept that. It doesn’t hurt anymore.

Anyway.

This past weekend was definitely a turning point for me though and I am so thankful and loving of those who I shared it with. It was one to remember ha.

And the quote of the week has been updated. I'm not sure if anyone has even noticed that yet but I update it every Monday :)

beehive tea room

I think I am going here with Becca tomorrow.

Can't waitttttt.

coffee in salt lake

My new favorite hobby is reading reviews for restaurants online. Specifically coffee places. Some people have the greatest/most terrible stories. I'm supposed to meet my friend for coffee on Tuesday and I haven't really talked to him in a year and a half so I'm kinda nervous.

If any of you have any suggestions to me let me know. We want something more local not Starbucks or Beans ha.