do you remember how it used to be, we'd turn out the lights and didn't just sleep

So I'm just sitting in my room listening to a playlist on 8 Tracks called "From Bitter to Better" and trying to figure out when exactly I became so old. I became acutely aware of it today while wandering around Butlerville Days with my friends and looking at all the high school kids and thinking "God, did I really look that clueless and awkward at 16?" And I realized that yes in fact I did, and I probably looked worse... this was me at 16

If you don't think that's bad enough check this out

I had no boobs hahaha

I'm also super weirded out that I have so many pictures of me from high school where I'm taking dumb mirror shots. I forgot this was when Myspace was still popular. Maybe I'll post more if you're lucky ;) 

But I digress

I'm 20 years old. And when I got home from my night I sat down next to mom and watched Doug on the 90's Are All That and seriously I felt so old. I have just had a strange night I guess. I'm not even sure how to word how I feel right now, I just feel really weird. I guess I reflected back on high school and graduation and I thought of my life then and I never imagined I'd end up this way. When I graduated high school I thought I was going to Utah State. I thought I'd go there for four years and become a psychologist which meant going somewhere else for grad school and now I'm on a completely different path. My best friends then are now total strangers to me that I've barely talked to in the past year. Some people that I was acquaintances with or enemies with even are some of my closest friends now. I suppose vice versa has happened as well, I've lost some close friends too. People have been engaged, married, and having kids that I never expected would settle down so fast. It's all just mind blowing I guess.

I don't really know what the point of this was but it's nice to throw my thoughts out there sometimes. I think I'm always contemplative and thinking about how different my 24th of July always is every year. Last year I was at a Real game with my boyfriend Truong and Ed and Diana. Truong and I went out to lunch at Market Street and then we swam in Chelsea's pool with Ed before the game and I didn't have a swimsuit so I swam in my underwear haha. She was on vacation and her cousin was over and he came outside and scared the hell out of us. Truong was pretending to be a koala and clinging to me and said I was a eucalyptus tree. It's weird the things you remember. Haha. The year before I barely remember. Jane wasn't my friend anymore and I think I stayed home and sulked about it. The year before that Jane and I went to Butlerville Days together and watched the fireworks in our friend Brad's backyard. I don't know why I'm telling you guys all of this I'm just feeling reflective. My heart is big. I remember things down to the very last details and it's hard for me to let go I guess. It's hard for me to believe that people I loved so dearly could stop loving me back but it seems to be a trend in my life. People move on, but I never seem to.

you used to shine so bright, but I watched all of it fade.

I should probably actually write something here instead of putting random images and curse words in to convey what I’m feeling. I guess honestly I’ve been running and trying to ignore all the feelings that have been brought up this week.

I haven’t had this much of an emotional week in a long time. It’s been hard and only because of one person. Which in the scheme of things is a little bit ridiculous. Especially because it’s a person who shouldn’t really have any effect on me at all anymore.

I don’t know what I even expected from him. He hasn’t said a word to me, probably has hardly looked at me. Yet I am just so aware of him. All the time. It’s like when he’s around me my senses go into overdrive and every sound is louder, every color richer, and every movement more pronounced. The butterflies still come every time too. I start to get nervous the night before and by the time I’m driving to school I feel so nauseous that I wonder where I could possibly vomit in my car. I manage to keep it under control but I don’t know. I feel like it’s inevitable that we’ll have to talk to each other at some point. I feel like I should ask if we can ever be okay but at the same time, I don’t know why I feel like I should be the one to ask. He’s the one who broke this. I should be the one who hates him. I do hate him most of the time and honestly he deserves it.

And I get to see him again in…9ish hours. Fantastic.

that boy is a monster…

 

I’ve spent a lot of time wasting time today. Mostly cleaning up my playlists on iTunes and my iPod and what not. It’s been weird looking at the “last played” column. Thinking back to those times when I last listened to a certain song. I can almost put myself back into that moment somehow. And it’s crazy. I feel like I should warn the girl listening to the song of impending danger or changes that would happen. Or tell her to remember the way things are in that moment and appreciate them.

I guess I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on things lately. I was tagged in our high school panoramic picture on Facebook tonight. I had completely forgotten it existed. It made me sad thinking that we won’t ever all be together in that big of a group again. Not everyone will attend reunions. So many people have changed already. I immediately looked for him in the picture too. He looked so stoic and different which is weird. I wonder what the boy in the picture would think if he saw the current man he’s trying to be. And I think of the fact that we graduated together and had a class together and had no idea how perfect we were for each other. I guess it makes me scared and excited for the future. It makes me want to appreciate this moment I’m in now because I’ll miss it someday.

so I bid my goodbye

2010 wasn’t horrible to me. I won’t act like it was. However, the past few months have been hard on me. I lost a lot of faith in people this year. I don’t really know if that faith is possible to be restored. I think a part of my heart and my light hearted attitude towards trust has definitely been shattered for good. A part of me is closed off and it will be hard to get around in the future. I don’t really think I was naïve before, but I know better now but not in a way that I would ever wish upon anyone.

2010 was a year that I will always remember though. It was definitely a big turning point for me. I transferred from Utah State and moved back home. I changed my major to my true passion; English. I lost some friends, gained some new ones, and rekindled old friendships with people from high school. But of course, above all other things that happened this year I met him and everything changed. And that is something I will never forget.

So here’s to 2011. May you hold new adventures, new friends, new loves, and happiness.

you have no right to say a single word about me, my choices, or the past few months. you weren’t the one who got your heart broken.

Day 44: Something that fascinates you and why

That people can understand math and actually figure out and discover this crap. I mean, really? I definitely admire them though and am glad they exist because otherwise the world would be screwed.

Also, I don’t understand how no matter what the girl always ends up being the b*tch in a break up. I didn’t do anythinggg. Especially because everyone knows how much I love you and would do anything for you but you just sulk alone and call names.

damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive.

Day 42: A letter to a deceased person you wish you could talk to or someone you've lost in another way

I’ve been really fortunate in that I haven’t lost anyone close to me to death yet. I actually am terrified for when it finally happens because I know it’s inevitable and I can’t believe I’ve made it 19 years without losing someone. But then I realize that I have actually lost many people that are close to me, only in ways other than death. I don’t really feel like writing a letter to any of those people though. I feel like the main ones that still hurt me I’ve already written letters to here and I don’t really want to take up more space at this moment dwelling on it. Not here.

It’s finals week and I have two big finals to study for.

I was quite worried about math, but I don’t think it’ll be as bad as I think anymore. Now only to worry about my science one. Bleh. I hope you all ace your finals as well.

how many times can I break til I shatter?

Day 40: Bad habit(s) you have

Failing at updating my blog…hahaha jk

Procrastination, for sure. Still loving guys that I should be over. Picking off my nail polish. Spending money on food especially sushi. Facebooking.

Probably more I just can’t think.

I’m getting sushi with my favorite boy Max tonight so I am super stoked.

i don't know how to be something you miss

Uh so basically listening to T Swift's new album again and this song made me cryyyyy

The pitch is a little weird on this video cuz apparently they're avoiding copyright laws...you can hear the pain in her voice though...it really connected to me :/

I still remember the look on your face
Been through the darkness at 1:58
The words that you whispered for just us to know
You told me you loved me so why did you go... away, go away

I do recall now the smell of the rain,
Fresh on the pavement,
I ran off the plane,
That July 9th the beat of your heart,
It jumps through your shirt I can still feel your arms.

But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know,
How to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips

I do remember the swing of your step
The life of the party you're showing off again
And I roll my eyes and then you pulled me in.
I'm not much for dancing,
But for you did because
I loved your handshake meeting my father
I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets
How you'd kiss me when I was in the middle of saying something.
There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions and

I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips
Ohh

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep and
I'll feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe and
I'll keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are.
Hope it's nice where you are and
I hope the sun shines and it's a beautiful day and
Something reminds you,
You wish you had stayed we can plan for a change in weather and time,
I never planned on you changing your mind.

So,
I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes,
All that I know is I don't know, how to be something you miss.
Never thought we'd have a last kiss
Never imagined we'd end like this
Your name forever the name on my lips,
Just like our last kiss,
Forever the name on my lips,
Forever the name on my lips.
Just like our last

every smile you fake is so condescending, counting all the scars you made

Day Ten – Write a letter to the person you hate most or caused you a lot of pain

Dear person who has caused me a lot of pain,

I don’t know how many times I’ve written letters to you in my head over the past couple months. There are so many things left unsaid between us, so many things that I will never know because you’ve pushed me and everyone else away. Life is picking up and things are getting better for me lately. But I still miss you. I think about you everyday and there has not been one moment in the past 3 months that I haven't wanted to put you back in my life. It’s this constant aching for you and missing that person that I used to have so much in common with.
I know you’re not doing very well, I wish I could help you. Our mutual friends tell me these things and I worry about you, probably even more than they do. I wish I didn’t because I know you don’t think about me at all. I wish that we could have some kind of contact. Even just go out for coffee someday, I’d settle for a couple texts even. I don’t know what I did to you to make you hurt me this badly and cut me out of your life so cleanly. I can’t understand how one day everything could be so perfect and then suddenly you were telling me goodbye.

It took me a long time to get to the point where I could listen to certain bands and read certain books and watch certain movies again. There’s pieces of you in every favorite thing of mine and memories of you around every corner. We weren’t together very long but it seemed like years to me. It’s weird to think about now because you seem so far away. The boy I knew from the summer has long faded. I don’t know where he is now, probably buried underneath your harsh “brooding” exterior but my heart still lies with him. I’ve tried to take my mind off of it and I think I am coping well, all things considered, but if there was any possible way that person could come back or even if you’d apologize and we’d try to be friends again I would be eternally grateful. I miss my best friend and other half of my heart. The person who understood all of my complexities and told me I was beautiful during those summer nights up Big Cottonwood Canyon. The boy with the big brown eyes who told me he loved me and actually made me feel his words as he said them and I believed it. My heart breaks thinking of all the plans we made and trips we wanted to take acting as if we would be together for many years to come and not fizzle and fade the way we did. You broke all your promises to me while I still upheld everything I ever promised you. And I guess that’s what hurts the most. Knowing all the ways I’ve loved and supported you and realizing you’ve never been anything but a let down.

There’s really nothing more to say right now. Maybe someday you’ll come back and realize how stupid you were to push me away. No one will ever love you the way I did. I wish you could stop hating me.

Yours,

Sammy

 

My July

I don't know if anyone even reads this anymore but it's August now, which is absolutely crazy and I wanted to write about my July.

I had the most amazing month of my life. It was the highlight of my summer. Completely special in every way.
I had a wonderful boyfriend throughout the entire month and spent almost everyday with him and it was great. Even though we're not together now I have no regrets about it and I still care about him deeply.
My family got sealed in the Draper temple on July 10. It was definitely a miracle and I am so grateful for that experience and I love my family so much. It was also so fun hanging out with them for a few weeks. It's nice having everyone together.
I went to my first Real game on the 24th which was actually a lot of fun. They also had awesome fireworks.
I finally got a job! I don't actually start til next week but I'm very excited. I get to work in a flower shop, how cool is that?

That's pretty much my life lately. I can't believe summer is almost over and I get to start over at a new school again. It's nuts.

I fail at writing on here.

But this is what you should know about my June life ha.

- Telethon was a major success. This is my mom's like 8th year doing it or something? I don't know. But they raised $2.6 mil for Primary Children's which was a miracle in and of itself.
- Scottie the Hottie/Scotty dog got his mission call which I blogged about.
- Went to Hilton Head with part of the fam. Which I also blogged about.
- I haven't been watching the World Cup as religiously as I watched the Olympics but lets be honest...Canada isn't in the World Cup so therefore it isn't as cool hahaha totally kidding. But my other favorite country England, epic failed which was sad.
- I've been hanging out with Chelsea, Ed, and Truong. Especially Truong. We are becoming best friends. Sushi date was a major highlight probably. So funny.
- My brother and his family are here from Egypt. They just got here on Friday night so I've been hanging out with them a little bit which has been wonderful.
- Pie Wednesday...nuff said.
- Still searching for a job...I kinda stopped for awhile because I knew my trip was coming up but I guess I need to start looking again. Kinda sucks.
- Trying to write things that I'm proud of again...I've been lacking inspiration though meh.

I think that's basically it. I can't believe June is almost over. This is weird.