tell me now, where was my fault in loving you with my whole heart?

It's weird how slowly time goes by when you're waiting for a text message. And it kinda scares me how easy it is to slip back into old habits. And I'm kind of at the point where I stop feeling anything again. I always think I'll like that part but I never seem to. Sometimes I'd rather just be angry. Anger is easy. It blocks out pain too. You feel invincible and that whatever is bringing you down is insignificant, that you can handle it. But numbness, now that's something different altogether. You start crying and you don't know why. You just are crying. And the make up is stinging your eyes but you don't dare stop because who knows what else might happen after that. Who knows what else might try to seep out of you. And what else might be seeping in.
Hello depression, my old friend...as if I'm greeting an old classmate from school or something. Depression is definitely my enemy. It sits in the shadows of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness. I'll give it credit for that though, it has never truly left me alone. It's always waiting for it's time to shine...or darken I suppose. And I guess it found me again.

I think I've been pretty open that I have depression and if you didn't know that about me now you know. And it is something I have carried around with me for about 8 years. I've been trying my hardest to fight it but it's not working anymore. It's effecting my family and relationships. I just feel so alone and others would probably say I'm just desperate for attention and I guess that's true. Everyone has kind of abandoned me and no one knows how much help I need. I am hopefully starting therapy again soon and I'm scared but I want to get better and I owe it to all of you to do so so I can be a good friend to you again.

So please just bear with me for awhile. I'm trying as hard as I can even though it may not seem like it :/


Thanks. I love you all.

what was normal in the evening, by the morning seems insane

...and on the second week of school Sammy came down with the cold from hell. Actually I think it's more like the flu. My whole body is aching and my throat has never been more sore in my life.

I should be doing my Spanish homework because it's due tonight but I'm taking a break. Spanish is so hard for me, I keep getting the words mixed up with French words because well, I took French for 3 years. Why am I not taking French now? I've been asking myself the same question...oh yeah! Because French is scary haha and the class times sucked. Also Spanish is a lot more useful soo we're giving it a try.

Anyways yeah that's the bane of my existence. I'm not really good at this whole school thing. Homework is kinda not my strong suit. Oh well I guess. Maybe you'll be lucky and I'll update again soon.

the obligatory first week of school post

So I survived another first week of school. Admittedly, I've had worse first weeks of school, but I've also definitely had better. I reallllllly like my classes though. I love my professors, so already we're off to a much better start than last semester. I haven't met my Adolescent Lit prof yet because he canceled class this week but I have only heard good things about him and I could not be more excited for that class. So all in all I think I gave myself a pretty fun semester minus a few of the things that stressed me out this week I really have a lot to be thankful for.

In other news my bff/neighbor Sarah Marshall is getting married super soon and it's crazy. I am so happy for her though Max is a great guy and I know they'll be very happy together :)

I also saw the movie One Day this week and it was really good but so sad! I won't spoil it for people who haven't seen it but it's a pretty good one. I cried.

In other other news I don't really know what to say. I need to start writing something better again, this much I know. I just feel like people who read this blog can't handle the other side of me.

pick me-up #8

New school year tomorrow. Bring it.

i'm shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

Oh hi. Yeah I still suck at blogging.

Here's some things I love lately:

Astrology

So I've always been intrigued by astrology but my bff Josh White has gotten me more into it (as well as most of my friends). It's hilarious, we have these deep cons about how our signs are the best and how we interact with each other. They may not be worth basing your whole life off of or anything but they're pretty interesting and can seem surprisingly accurate at times.

Dear Photograph

I don't know if you guys have heard of this website but I recently found it and I think it's sooo cool/cute/awesome. Basically you take a picture of yourself holding a picture. If that doesn't make any sense then you should check it out and see for yourself haha.

Listening to songs with amazing lyrics that I used to love

Yeah this one is weirdly specific but I recently started listening to some old bands that I used to be obsessed with back in middle school and their lyrics are still amazing. I will always love Brand New, Something Corporate, and Bright Eyes. Also Panic! At the Disco's first album is pretty great to blast in your car when you're feeling a little angry hahaha.

Bingo

Nuff said. Also I'm totes doing that college bingo when school starts. Ha.

Love Culture

I was looking for new places to buy cute clothes for school and happened upon this website! I had never heard of it before but it's super cute and they have a store opening at City Creek in 2012! Yay. I bought the cardigan above and also another striped cardigan. I'm a sucker for them what can I say?

Cheers.

you belong with me, not swallowed in the sea.

Well hello there blog readers. I don't really know if any of you are out there anymore but I hope you enjoyed all my little pictures from my last post. Probably not because no one commented haha. I feel like I should actually write something but I'm scared of what might spill out if I start letting it. I'm trying really hard to get past things. I really am. I'm using unconventional methods...at least for me. School starts in a week though so I guess I'll have to focus myself on my studies instead of partying which will be better for me mentally and physically ha. I'm taking creative writing and I am so excited, maybe I can actually start writing something meaningful again. It's been too long. Loss is always good for writing too so maybe this will be a good semester. Here's to hoping. I'll try to write more later I'm really tired. Last night was a little crazy...here's some words of wisdom from an 8 year old to tide you over...ha

we're only just as happy as everyone else seems to think we are.

I don't feel like writing. So this is for you. I think it sums up some of my emotions over the past week.

stolen from jill.

Ten Things I Wish I Could Say to 10 Different People (but don't say their name):
1. I wish I could do more to help you. You've been such a good friend to me and you don't deserve all the terrible things that have happened to you in your life.
2. I think you're an idiot. I wish you never pushed me away. I feel like the only person in the world who wants to help you and you're denying yourself of it. You've brought this upon yourself. I still love you though, despite everything. I wish I knew you still cared. I wish you'd talk to me. You broke your promise. You ended up just like him.
3. I miss you. You were my best friend. You knew me better than anyone. I've really needed you these past few weeks but I've been too afraid to reach out. I'm too afraid that you'll leave me again.
4. I really wish you weren't doing this. I know you think it'll make you happy, but I don't want to see you get hurt. You mean a lot to me.
5. I meant it when I said I don't know what I'd do without you. You've been there with me through so much and I think we've always had a special bond...I guess you knew that too. I'm still shocked about everything but the fact that it's you makes it a lot less scary.
6. I know you worry about me, but I promise I'm going to be fine. I'm still the same girl you always knew, now I just get to be honest.
7. I'm so glad we're friends. You make me laugh like no other and we've gotten really close really quickly. I know you feel the same way about me and it's fantastic. I think we'll be friends for a long time. If we can get through all this we can get through anything.
8. You annoy the living hell out of me.
9. I hate your boyfriend. I hope you don't end up together, please you're so much better than that.
10. I probably take our friendship for granted a lot but you've always been there for me. More so than anyone else, even when I call you at 3 in the morning bawling or because I can't sleep. Thanks for being so sweet.

Nine Things About Myself:
1. I am left handed.
2. I'm lactose intolerant but believe ice cream is always worth the pain.
3. Taurus and proud.
4. I would love to run away and not tell a soul.
5. I want to be a cat that lives in a bookstore in my next life.
6. I've kissed eleven people.
7. I could eat Thai, Indian, and sushi for every meal and be extremely happy.
8. London is my favorite city.
9. I'm in love with Bradley Cooper.

Eight Ways To Win My Heart:
1. Honesty.
2. Make me laugh.
3. Endless conversations.
4. Proving that you'll stick around.
5. Going on fun/spontaneous/random/awesome adventures.
6. The little things (ie holding my hand, i love yous, compliments)
7. Letting me meet your family and friends. It means a lot.
8. Not giving up on me when I'm stubborn.

Seven Things That Cross My Mind a Lot:
1. You.
2. Money.
3. Traveling.
4. My family and friends.
5. Naps.
6. How much I want another dog.
7. Song lyrics.

Six Things I Do Before Falling Asleep
1. Put pajamas on.
2. Brush teeth.
3. Take make up off.
4. Check facebook and twitter.
5. Text.
6. Think about stuff and hope that I can fall asleep that night.

Five People Who Mean a Lot:
1. Katy
2. My parents.
3. The rest of my family.
4. My Georgey Shore family
5. My other amazing friends.

Four Things I'm Wearing:
1. Pink and white striped shirt I got for my birthday.
2. Jean shorts.
3. Silver bow earrings.
4. Socks.

Three Songs I Listen to Often (this summer):
1. Fools Like Me - Vanessa Carlton
2. She (For Liz) - Parachute
3. Wayy too many Taylor Swift songs

Two Things I Want to Do Before I Die:
1. See the Northern Lights while in a hot tub.
2. Live on the coast of Maine

One Confession:
1. 

i love when jersey shore comes back...

Because then this happens:

Also this happens:

and this

Sorry I have sucked at updating lately...I've been super busy. I'd tell you the details but yeah not really blog worthy. Anyway I'm off to see a movie with my two cute Leo boys, I'll give you a better update later I promise.

Ciao bitches.

without you i'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

I still love this song.



"Stop For A Minute"
(feat. K'naan)

[Keane]
Some days, feel my soul has left my body
Feel I'm floating high above me
Like I'm looking down upon me

Start sinking, every time I get to thinking
It's easier to keep on moving
Never stop to let the truth in

[K'naan]
Sometimes I feel like it's all been done
Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one
Sometimes I wanna change everything I've ever done
I'm too tired to fight and yet too scared to run

[Keane]
And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe

[K'naan]
I feel like a thief who has no faith
Maybe more than by the grade
Of the drugs you took that day

Sinking in the pain he's been inflicting
Yet he's feeling like the victim
Just a horoscope's to blame

[Keane]
Sometimes I feel like a little lost child
Sometimes I feel like the chosen one
Sometimes I wanna shout out 'til everything goes quiet
Sometimes I wonder why I was ever born

And if I stop for a minute
I think about things really I don't wanna know
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm child and so wherever you go
I will follow

[K'Naan - rap]
One... yeah...
And baby you are just beautiful from crown to your cuticles
You held down my two sons, you never frown when duty calls
You know me, I gave you more than you can handle
But you still keep a handle on it, even when I take something beautiful and vandal on it
No more females? Well how come my emails got notes on a scandal
It's like Eve with the apple,
A priest in the chapel
Overcome by the devil's tackle
I'm still shackled the bad til I know
I'm such a hassle every time I let my thoughts go
I get baffled so I hardly pause
I just crossed seas with these gnarly broads
Cos it hurts me just to see what I finally lost
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

[Keane]
And if I stop for a minute
I think about things I really don't wanna know
[K'naan]
So I guess I'm just a fiend
Consumed by the scene
[Keane]
And I'm the first to admit it
Without you I'm a liner stranded in an ice floe
[K'naan]
The stage and the screens
Where it's just me and Keane

i don't want to hold on, i want the strength to let go

I've been really frustrated lately. More than half of the time I just want to scream and freak out and the other half I want to hide and let the feelings build up. It's not a good cycle that I've gotten myself into but alas, it is what it is. My parents finally know I don't want to be Mormon anymore and took it better than I ever expected them to, although I don't really know how long they'll be chill with it. They think it's a temporary, but I think it's a much more long term thing than that. Oh well I guess, I'm really glad I can finally be honest with them about what I believe and I don't have to lie anymore :) I think that's all I'm really going to say about the matter on my blog, if you'd like to discuss it with me I'd be glad to have some coffee or pie with you and we can discuss it. Only over coffee or pie though ha.

In regards to other situations in my personal life this is kind of the conclusion I've come up with thus far. I can't change it. I have no control over anything that's happening. I keep trying to help and keep getting pushed away. I was taking it personally and feeling depressed and unwanted and a myriad of other negative adjectives/adverbs but I'm not going to anymore. I've felt extremely powerless over the past couple weeks and I don't think anything has ever been harder for me. I always need to feel like I have some control or power over a situation especially when it comes to someone I love that is hurting but I don't have any here. I literally can't do a damn thing and then it kinda struck me that I guess that's exactly what I'm supposed to do and would be the biggest help to the person. To let them be. Which I can't do. I am the most stubborn person ever and sitting around, keeping my mouth shut, and not worrying about someone I care deeply about seems impossible but I have to do it. Because that's what they want me to do. So dammit I am going to do it. But just because I stopped trying doesn't mean I don't care, it means I care enough about you that I'm doing what you told me.